The Journey Home , livre ebook

Outskirts Press - Lori-ellen Pisani

Découvre YouScribe en t'inscrivant gratuitement

Je m'inscris

Obtenez un accès à la bibliothèque pour le consulter en ligne
En savoir plus

148 pages

English

Vous pourrez modifier la taille du texte de cet ouvrage

Obtenez un accès à la bibliothèque pour le consulter en ligne
En savoir plus

A propos
Informations
Extrait

Description

Lori-ellen Pisani lives with a powerful enemy inside her brain. At times, Lori-ellen soars to the heights of mania. She's highly creative and a multi-tasker. Then a trigger such as an argument will send her into a suicidal depression. Having been undiagnosed until her early thirties and working as a teacher, if anyone were to find out, her career would be in serious jeopardy. Bipolar Disorder is very often misunderstood, and therefore perceived as a threat by the parents who have entrusted their children to her care. She takes you on her journey to learn the identity of this enemy and to declare a secret war to save her life. Each chapter brings the reader along her experiences as she battles: abandonment, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, divorce, and cancer. Readers will relate to Lori-ellen's words, and hopefully find the strength to wage war against mental illness and begin their own journey towards victory - peace of mind and heart.

Sujets

Vie de famille

Soutien psychologique et conseils familiaux

Mental Health

Sociologie, société et politique

Psychology

Informations

Publié par	Outskirts Press
Date de parution	03 février 2020
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781977223326
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0500€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

The Journey Home My journey to find peace of mind and heart while fighting a war against Bi-Polar Disorder All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 2018 Lori-ellen Pisani v5.0
The opinions expressed in this manuscript are solely the opinions of the author and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the publisher. The author has represented and warranted full ownership and/or legal right to publish all the materials in this book.
This book may not be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in whole or in part by any means, including graphic, electronic, or mechanical without the express written consent of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
Outskirts Press, Inc. http://www.outskirtspress.com
ISBN: 978-1-9772-2332-6
Cover Photo © 2018 gettyimages.com . All rights reserved - used with permission.
Outskirts Press and the "OP" logo are trademarks belonging to Outskirts Press, Inc.
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
DEDICATION:
TO: Dr. Martin Mintz, Dr. Itamar Salamon, and Mrs. Renee Pepper, CSW-R My gratitude and thanks are deep and profound. You have traveled with me on my journey home and given me the means and the will to keep fighting the battles along the way.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Prologue
Chapter 1: The Journey Home
Chapter 2: To Trust Another
Chapter 3: Broken Heart
Chapter 4: Escape
Chapter 5: Little Girl Lost
Chapter 6: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
Chapter 7: The Spiral Staircase
Chapter 8: House of Cards
Chapter 9: The Stranger Within
Chapter 10: What World Is This?
Chapter 11: Ticket to Freedom
Chapter 12: Repeating Patterns
Chapter 13: Can You Hear Me, God?
Chapter 14: Rage
Chapter 15: My Life in Shambles
Chapter 16: Starting Over
Chapter 17: A Letter to Loneliness
Chapter 18: Response from Loneliness
Chapter 19: The Answer
Chapter 20: Forgiven
Chapter 21: Mistakes
Chapter 22: Love Is Not a Fairytale
Chapter 23: Fall from Grace
Chapter 24: My Heart Just Took a Picture
Epilogue
PROLOGUE
Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I put my faith in this Bible verse when I am challenged. It gives me courage. I need courage to write my story in a way that will help those who share my struggle to fight daily battles against bipolar disorder. It is the story of a fight; more like a war, with daily battles of will against a powerful enemy that has the capacity to overtake even the strongest of soldiers. My story does not have an ending, for it continues to unfold as long as I continue to live.
I never considered myself to be strong, but over the years, I have learned how to fight. Years of therapy and an effective medication protocol have provided me with the strength I need to wage war on a daily basis. There is no permanent victory, since there is no cure. And, to this day, there are times when the enemy grows stronger than I. Although this war will never be won, I now have the necessary resources and reinforcements to fight alongside me, and I’m still standing. For that, I am blessed and grateful beyond all comparable measure.
Battling bipolar disorder is not a war that one enlists to fight voluntarily. I was conscripted by inheritance. My father and sister suffer(ed) from it, although their diagnoses would come years after mine. I suspect there are more family members who have not recognized that they too have this illness, and my attempts to help them have failed.
I was the first to recognize something was seriously wrong inside my brain and that I needed help, or I would not survive. I had no one to talk to in the family about my fears and concerns. They were not safe people I could share my fears and thoughts with, for it was they whom I believed had put me in this position of helplessness and hopelessness, fear, rage, and deep pain as a child.
Bipolar disorder is characterized by severe mood swings, from the highest of highs (mania-the feeling of euphoria to a degree, the ability to manage many tasks simultaneously, a burst of creativity, energy and/or impulsive actions such as spending money without regard for the consequences) to the lowest of lows (severe depression, with suicidal thoughts or actions).
The goal is to maintain a truce between the two extremes. It is quite the challenge. A word, action, or situation can trigger me into fits of rage (hypomania) or suicidal depression. It’s a spectrum disorder in that one size does not fit all. I do not experience mania as others might. I do not spend money recklessly or paint my house wild colors on a whim. My mania is experienced by bursts of creative energy and the ability to manage many tasks simultaneously. My depression however, is suicidal depression. That is a slow walk through hell, which I would never wish on another human being. I also suffer from hypomania that brings with it incredible rage. And then there are the mixed states when I am raging and depressed simultaneously. I have successfully waged my war against this illness thus far. But make no mistake, it is a war. The enemy is bipolar disorder; the victory is living a life with meaning and purpose and finding peace of mind and heart.
The very first battle is to find competent doctors to diagnose and treat this illness as early as possible. It is a complicated diagnosis and takes time to identify through treatment with a psychiatrist and psychotherapist who work together for your benefit. One can remain in a state of depression or mania for several years at a time, which makes an accurate diagnosis that much more difficult. After almost a year of treatment for clinical depression, my doctors suspected that I was bipolar in December 1996. I wasn’t formally diagnosed as bipolar until February 1997. I was thirty-four years old. It takes a thorough evaluation to accurately diagnose this disorder. My correct diagnosis was a result of therapy sessions with Dr. Martin Mintz, who realized I was suffering from more than depression and referred me to his colleague, Dr. Itamar Salamon, who further evaluated me and confirmed the diagnosis.
I knew something was wrong from an early age, but relied on my faith in God to see me through the crisis periods. My faith was shaken and abandoned over the years, leaving me alone to battle against depression, rage, and mania the best way I could. It was utter desperation that led to my entering into the therapy process and subsequently, my journey.
I count my blessings that I have found the right doctors who, to this day, help me fight to survive. It may sound overly dramatic to say that this is a fight for my life. However, bipolar disorder is a serious illness, and it can take your life or your freedom if you are not vigilant about treatment and medication protocol. I learned that the hard way.
It is a lifetime journey. The worst part of it was that for so many years, I did not know what was wrong with me until I found the professional help needed to put a name to the nightmare I was living. As a child, I attributed my feelings as the consequences of how I was treated within the family. Every action they took had a reaction from me. I didn’t know enough to realize that this exchange could have lasting, cumulative effects. Growing up, I lived in the moment, taking each situation as it came, and praying to God for help. I lived life in this way for decades.
I entered formal therapy in 1994, at age thirty-one. I dabbled a bit in counseling as a senior undergraduate student when I found myself huddled in the corner of my bed, unable to move, but that experience was not formal therapy but career counseling. During that time, I used prayer as my means to fight what had yet to be identified.
As my story unfolds, there came a need to enter formal, long-term therapy. I was separated from my husband, and living on my own for the first time in my life. When I told my parents that I was going into therapy, my father was quick to tell me that therapy was only for crazy people. I explained that I disagreed and planned to seek treatment. From that point on, I was labeled as weak, unstable, and misguided. I was the last to know when issues affected family members. Information regarding their situations was withheld from me because I was too unstable to handle it. "Don’t tell Lori-ellen, it will make her freak out," I heard my sister say.
This attitude did not help me much, but nonetheless I continued my journey. I knew from a very early age that education was my ticket out of the nightmare of living with the people I held responsible for my pain and misery, and so I pursued it with a vengeance. I proceeded to obtain a master’s degree, sixty credits beyond my master’s in education, a doctoral degree in modern psychoanalysis and psychotherapy, and certification as a school administrator and supervisor from New York State.
With each graduation, my status within the family grew. They no longer believed therapy was only for the weak, and that I was unable to cope with stress or family issues. I was the only child to graduate from higher education. My siblings left college for their own reasons. I would like to think that it was my perseverance and determination that changed their perceptions of me. What I do know is that once I completed my doctoral degree, my family’s perception of my abilities and strengths changed dramatically. I was no longer weak in their eyes, but competent, and successful. They put aside their feelings about therapy and medication as they saw me thrive and succeed.
In November 1997, my parents moved to Florida. I became the matriarch of the family in New York. If there was a problem, the family said, "Call Lori-ellen for help." I think it an incredible change from the place I held in the family as a child growing up. You will witness this transformation as my journey unfolds.
The path I traveled was one filled with sinkholes and obstacles. The sinkholes represent the deepest, darkest thoughts of sui