New Monogamy , livre ebook

New Harbinger Publications - Tammy Nelson

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133 pages

English

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Sujets

Sociologie, société et politique

Social

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Publié par	New Harbinger Publications
Date de parution	01 décembre 2012
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781608823178
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0918€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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“Infidelity doesn’t have to be the end of the road, even though it often feels that way. Couples can, and do, often find their way to an ultimately deeper, more intimate bond, and I can think of no better guide to lead the journey than Tammy Nelson.”
—Ian Kerner, PhD, sex therapist and New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First
“ The New Monogamy takes an honest look at infidelity and illustrates a clear path toward healing after an affair.”
—John Gray, PhD, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
“The New Monogamy sets Tammy Nelson apart from many other therapists. She doesn’t believe affairs simply involve a pathetic victim and an arrogant perpetrator—and that’s why she can actually help couples navigate this difficult challenge.”
—Marty Klein, PhD, author of Sexual Intelligence
“Provocative and juicy, far-reaching and intelligent.”
—Janis Abrahms Spring, author of After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You?
“This book is a game changer for couples dealing with the aftermath of an affair. It is unique in offering hope that this experience can be used to build a new and better relationship. But it offers far more than just hope; it provides detailed guidelines for how to make it happen. Tammy Nelson is a visionary in going beyond the immediate need to develop a new monogamy agreement to include the all-important process of revisiting and revising this agreement over time.”
—Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth and host of www.dearpeggy.com
“Tammy Nelson is a master therapist who can help you find hope and opportunity in the multiple crises caused by an affair. The New Monogamy offers safe, effective steps through the confusion, betrayal, and hurt—with guidelines for how you can create more honest, erotic, and soul-satisfying relationships.”
—Gina Ogden, PhD, LMFT, author of The Return of Desire and The Heart & Soul of Sex
“At a time when life can feel so murky and chaotic, along comes Tammy Nelson with this guidebook…. The New Monogamy is as crisp and clear as it is hopeful and realistic. A book to open again and again.”
—Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity

Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2012 by Tammy Nelson
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer
Text design by Tracy Marie Carlson
Edited by Nelda Street
All Rights Reserved
___________
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Nelson, Tammy.
The new monogamy : redefining your relationship after infidelity / Tammy Nelson, PhD.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-60882-315-4 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-316-1 (pdf e-book) (print) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-317-8 (epub) (print) 1. Adultery--Psychological aspects. 2. Marital conflict. 3. Intimacy (Psychology) 4. Trust. I. Title.
HQ806.N45 2013
306.73'6--dc23
2012034635
This book is dedicated to all of my family, who I hope will always know that I love them above all else.
To Tyler and Emma, who are in my heart always, thank you for understanding that, although my work is my mission, you are my whole life.
To Nicole and Lauren, thank you for opening your hearts to me and letting me love you.
To my monogamous husband, Bruce, I have loved you for a thousand years and will love you for a thousand more.
Contents
Acknowledgments
Introduction
1 Infidelity and the New Monogamy
2 Listening to the Affair
3 Building Trust
4 Creating a Vision of Your New Relationship
5 Creating a New Monogamy Agreement
6 Erotic Recovery
7 Further Explorations in Eroticism
8 Your New Relationship, Moving Forward
References
Acknowledgments
Thanks so much to Melissa Kirk for her ceaseless and tireless editing, and her deep understanding of the subject matter. Thanks to Tesilya Hanauer for believing in me after reading my original article, “The New Monogamy,” in Psychotherapy Networker magazine (2010), and thanks to Rich Simon for publishing that article; Rich is the kingmaker. Thanks to Nelda Street, Jess Beebe, Nicola Skidmore, Melissa Valentine, Adia Colar, Amy Shoup, Will DeRooy, and everyone at New Harbinger Publications for making this book happen.
Thanks to my assistant, Inara DeLuna (a.k.a. Rebecca Emberger), for being my assistant extraordinaire. Thanks to Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt for their work in spreading Imago Relationship Therapy and for all that it has given me and my relationships. Thanks to Gina Ogden, Esther Perel, Janis Abrahms Spring, and Peggy Vaughan for everything they have taught me. Thanks to all of my clients, who have shown me what it means to do the work.
Thank you to Doug and Andy (show ’em how it’s done!) Thanks to my sister, Melanie Barnum, for her support and love, without which I wouldn’t always be so inspired.
Introduction
We live in a culture where almost 50 percent of married people get divorced and second marriages end at a rate of over 70 percent. Many of these marriages, perhaps as many as one-third, end because of infidelity. Are affairs a natural result of long-term relationships? Does this mean that as a society, we are not committed to monogamy?
Although studies vary, research shows that almost 60 percent of men and over 45 percent of women will cheat at some point in their marriages (Atwood and Schwartz 2002). Affairs affect 1 out of every 2.7 couples, which is almost one-third of all of us (Spring 1996).
Much of the literature on affair recovery assumes that infidelity is a symptom of some fundamental problem in a marriage or committed relationship, ignoring the more important dilemma of whether monogamy is even possible for the average person. Are over half of us just chronically bad at choosing our mates?
Yet cheating doesn’t seem to make us happy either. We don’t spend very much time in affairs: 10 percent of extramarital dalliances last only one day; another 10 percent last less than a month; and the rest last, at most, a year or two. Few extramarital affairs last longer than four years (ibid.). So, if affairs last an average of three years at most, do they work?
It turns out that only a handful of cheaters end up with their lovers. Only 3 percent of men marry the women they have affairs with, and the divorce rate is high (about 75 percent) among those who do marry their affair partners (Halper 1988). It seems that having an affair does not, in fact, create lasting happiness.
That makes sense, because unhappiness is not always the cause of affairs. In fact, studies show that up to 56 percent of men and 34 percent of women who were cheating described themselves at the time as being in happy marriages. They also said that they loved their primary partners and had good sex with them (Ben-Zeev 2008).
Staying committed to one partner for many years isn’t easy. Couples in long-term, committed relationships have to learn many difficult relationship skills, including frustration tolerance, self-control, patience, conscious empathy, and, perhaps the most important skill of all, kindness.
The affair that has affected your relationship and brought you to pick up this book has undoubtedly been a supremely painful episode, one from which you may not be recovered and may never even recover fully. You will never be the same person as you were before the affair, and your relationship will never be the same relationship as it was. Although this may be painful to hear, the good news is that you now have the opportunity to create a better, stronger, more vibrant relationship with your current partner, if you are both committed to working through the issues that the affair has brought up.
Why This Book?
What if you could have a whole new marriage or committed relationship with your current partner? Is it possible that, despite the incredible pain of the infidelity that has affected your relationship, the affair was a wake-up call? Can you imagine creating a new relationship that works better for both of you? This book will show you how to make this a reality, by walking you through the steps to creating a new monogamy : a new relationship in which the needs and desires of both of you are explicitly stated and totally validated.
In the new monogamy, together, you get to create a relationship that works for both of you, regardless of cultural norms or expectations, as long as the terms are explicitly stated and agreed on by both of you. This book introduces vital tools for communicating with one another about your new monogamy, and gives you both the opportunity to really talk, honestly and perhaps more openly than you ever have, about your needs in this new style of relationship.
Is This Book for You?
This book is for anyone who has experienced betrayal and wondered how to make the current relationship better instead of ending it altogether. These tools work whether you are a heterosexual couple or a gay or lesbian couple, and whether you are officially married or in a committed partnership.
You can also benefit from this book if you are trying to decide whether or not to move on after an affair. If you haven’t yet made up your mind whether to stay with your partner, this book can help you decide. And it can help you move on with your life in the aftermath. It may also tell you what you will need to know for your next relationship. Creating a new monogamy is an important goal for anyone who wants to start over.
Most of the exercises in this book are designed for you to do with your partner. I will introduce dialogues, checklists, and questionnaires that as