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104 pages

English

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What happens when a wife says, "I don't love you anymore"? What happens when a husband says he is going to move out? What does the partner do? How does he or she survive the devastation? Clinical psychologist Dr. David Hawkins offers heartbroken readers his straightforward yet sensitive wisdom for rebuilding their lives. He addresses the realities that reconciliation is not easy and may require separation first--or may not come at all. He helps readers work through their grief and the tough decisions ahead in order to heal their lives, whether or not their marriage is ultimately reconciled.Dr. Hawkins's trustworthy guidance offers compassion and hope to both partners in a failing relationship. Pastors and counselors will recommend this book to those facing this urgent yet rarely addressed struggle.

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Philosophie et théologie

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Publié par	Baker Publishing Group
Date de parution	01 octobre 2008
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781441201928
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0173€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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Living Beyond a Broken Marriage
Living Beyond a Broken Marriage
Dr. David B. Hawkins
2005 by David B. Hawkins
Published by Revell a division of Baker Publishing Group P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287 www.revellbooks.com
Spire edition published 2008 ISBN 978-0-8007-8770-7
Previously published under the title Love Lost
Printed in the United States of America
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means-for example, electronic, photocopy, recording-without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Scripture is taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION . NIV . Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.
While I have used my clinical experiences throughout this book, all names and situations have been changed to provide anonymity.
Contents
1. Love Lost
2. The Mysterious Grief of Love Lost
3. The Uncertainty of What s Next
4. Vulnerability
5. The Ride
6. Friendship in Times of Need
7. Family Matters
8. Searching for Silver
9. Crucible for Change
10. Considering Reconciliation
11. Embracing Community, Encouraging Church
12. New Moorings
Notes
1 Love Lost
The tears streamed down, and I let them flow as freely as they would, making of them a pillow for my heart. On them I rested.
Saint Augustine
As the sun rose over the forested hills outside her Northwest home, Trish fidgeted with the covers and wondered what to do. She had awakened several times during the night, fretting about the pending talk with her husband. She feared telling Clint what she had come to realize she must say. Slowly, quietly, she pulled back the covers. She could barely summon the energy to get out of bed. She glanced out the window, wondering how she would be able to complete today s exercise walk with her friends. She could not seem to clear the fog from her mind. Still, she decided that the walk might give her a little more energy to meet the day.
Trish came to her counseling session with me that afternoon drained. She had been crying before her session and cried throughout the entire hour. She ached as she considered how to tell Clint about the decision she had wrestled with for the past six months. Time had become a blur to her, as had the details of her life. All she could think about was how unhappy she was and how badly she wanted the pain to end. She wearied of the knots in her stomach, the restless nights, the meager appetite, the sullen thoughts. But despite her feelings, telling her spouse her decision would be incredibly hurtful.
She d told me repeatedly that Clint was not a bad person. In fact, since she had let him know about her unhappiness several months ago, he was trying harder than ever to make a good impression. She had told him that she needed more help with the children and that their finances had to be straightened out. She hated living from paycheck to paycheck, but even more than that, she hated his indifference to the worry it caused her when the bills didn t get paid. His recent efforts seemed like too little, too late. Her feelings had not changed. Even ten years of marriage was not enough glue to hold her to him.
When I saw Trish and Clint together the following week, I could tell something ominous was about to take place. Trish had made her intentions clear during her last session: to tell Clint that she was no longer in love with him. I worried that this would be a challenging session, and I breathed deeply, hoping to find the reserve in me to be fully present for this couple facing the most horrific event in their marriage.
Trish, would you like to start?
She nodded her head slowly. She fumbled with a piece of paper as if she were going to read to us. It had been folded several times, and she worked to straighten it out.
Clint was noticeably anxious. He watched as Trish scanned the paper.
Are you okay? he asked.
I need to tell you something.
Please don t say that you re going to leave me. I ve been working so hard on our marriage. Please don t do anything drastic.
Clint lowered his head, clasping his face with both hands. I said, Clint, let s let Trish say what she needs to say. Please, Trish, continue.
She began reading from the paper.
Clint, I need a separation. I don t think I love you anymore, and I need some space to figure out how to find myself again. Our marriage has not been good for either of us. We haven t been happy for a long time.
Clint burst into tears.
How can you say that? Things have been getting better. I ve been trying hard. I ve been coming to counseling and meeting with the pastor every week. Please reconsider. Give it a little more time.
This isn t something I decided yesterday. It may seem sudden to you, but I ve been thinking about this for a long time. I m not saying that our marriage is over. I just need some time to think things through. And I need to look at why I don t love you anymore. I m sorry to hurt you, Clint. Please know that this is not easy for me, either.
I watched, helplessly, wishing more than anything that I could say some magic words to transform their faltering marriage into the vibrant, dynamic partnership that God intended. For the moment that was not possible. For now, both ached with the pain that only one who has been through this kind of experience can understand.
The extent of pain for those who have endured hearing, or having to say, the words I don t love you anymore is hard to understand. I can hardly imagine any more excruciating words. Yet I have seen many people successfully recover from that initial suffering, some by moving on with their lives and others by making step-by-step repairs to their relationship. In either case the path is not easy, but hope does lie ahead.
An Epidemic of Lost Love
Tragically, this experience is replicated almost weekly in my office. Of all the desperate situations I face, lost love is one of the most heartrending. I watched Trish and Clint face the unspeakable: a love lost in the rubble of years of irritation, alienation, bickering, resentment, and neglect. Neither had spent the requisite time counting the cost of their battles. Both assumed that love could withstand such onslaughts. Both assumed that love could continue, however feebly, amidst the harsh, choking words and insensitivity. They did not think their failure to foster love-a form of benign neglect-could cost so much. No one was there to say, Stop this before you kill your love for one another. Your hearts can t take the battering.
And so in thousands of homes, in thousands of relationships, love dies or is buried in the ruins of words both spoken and unspoken. It is an epidemic.
You may be reading this book because you too have fallen victim to lost love. You too may have spoken or been told those most painful words, I don t love you anymore, and felt their toll on your life.
While we hope for the best with these kinds of marital problems, not all marriages survive. Perhaps nothing is as painful and devastating as looking into the eyes of your partner as you are told that the affection you once shared has diminished or died. No one who endures the experience walks away without scars. It would be shallow and ridiculous to offer platitudes in the face of such tumult. No simple offer of consolation does justice to that level of loss. That would be a slap in the face to the magnitude and depth of love lost.
As a small consolation, you should know that others have walked this path and survived. You join many others who have wrestled with rejection and come away stronger than ever. You and your partner can, with diligence, focus on the problems, find solutions, and create a new life-perhaps together, possibly not.
Christie s Story of Separation
Night comes early in winter in the Pacific Northwest, where I live. We go to work in darkness and return home in darkness. Add a dose of dispiriting dampness and it is easy to become discouraged.
This evening was typical of winter-cold and damp with clouds hung so low you could feel their weight. A drizzle that chilled the bones added to my client s sinking spirits.
Christie sat across from me with a drawn look on her face. The dark circles under her eyes gave evidence of sleepless nights and unresolved grief. Christie held her face in her hands as she spoke that bitter, icy word: separation. That single word had torn the fabric of her soul.
She told her story in a rambling manner; I let her talk. I tried to comfort her with my attention, empathy, and a box of tissue.
I stood at the bottom of the stairs of our apartment, thinking that it couldn t be real. I was being asked to leave the home my husband and I share. I m not exactly sure when things started to change. In the beginning it was little things that didn t seem to make a difference-we talked less, touched less. But I guess even I can t ignore the fact that the downward spiral has been increasing. What I can t understand is why fifteen years of marriage wasn t enough to keep us from spinning out of control. How could he say that he doesn t love me anymore? I just don t understand that.
Christie paused and looked up at me. She seemed to be reliving the torturous scene as she twisted the moist, fraying tissue in her hands.
When I looked up at my husband, it was like the ten steps between us were more like ten miles. I felt so small and powerless. I asked him again if it really had to be this way. I thought we could discuss our problems, perhaps from a new angle. There had to be a way to work things out.
He said his mind was made up. I don t understand how he could be so strong and hard while I felt so weak and helpless.
Tears streamed down her face. What little strength she retained appeared to be draining away. Even as a professional psychologist,