Infidelity and Other Affairs , livre ebook

Thames & Hudson Australia Pty Ltd - Kate Legge

Découvre YouScribe en t'inscrivant gratuitement

Je m'inscris

Obtenez un accès à la bibliothèque pour le consulter en ligne
En savoir plus

82 pages

English

Vous pourrez modifier la taille du texte de cet ouvrage

Obtenez un accès à la bibliothèque pour le consulter en ligne
En savoir plus

A propos
Informations
Extrait

Description

One cannot fail to be entranced by Legge's bone-deep strength and wisdom."
Annabel Crabb
"Unflinchingly investigating the value of monogamy and the true cost of betrayal."
Trent Dalton
What do you do when your partner's infidelity upends your life? When you have to face up to your own addictions? Mental illnesses rain down on those you love? Parents die, careers end, love is found in unexpected places.
As a journalist, Kate Legge often sought answers to how people reckon with bad hands dealt or bad decisions. Then came her own search when faced with her husband's affair that unearthed a fault line of unfaithfulness running through four generations of his family.
Is infidelity a predisposition or learned behaviour? Infidelity and Other Affairs starts with this puzzle then contemplates life's curveballs as Legge strives to understand how we become who we are.
To her own surprise, she finds strength and peace where revenge and hate were imagined.

Sujets

Vie de famille

Relations familiales

Philosophie et théologie

Informations

Publié par	Thames & Hudson Australia Pty Ltd
Date de parution	28 février 2023
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781760763053
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0524€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

What do you do when your partner s infidelity upends your life? When you confront living on your own? In amongst parents dying, careers ending and becoming a grandparent?
As a journalist, Kate Legge often seeks answers to how people reckon with bad luck or bad decisions. When faced with her husband s affair, she discovered a fault line of betrayal running through four generations of his family, which began a search for answers both close to home and more universally.
Infidelity and Other Affairs begins with this puzzle: is unfaithfulness a predisposition or a learned behaviour? From there, Legge contemplates a vast catalogue of behaviours as she strives to understand how we become who we are.
To her own surprise, she finds strength and peace over revenge and hate, as well as joy in unexpected places.
Kate Legge is an award-winning journalist and author who has chronicled social and political affairs since the 1980s. Her novel, The Unexpected Elements of Love , was longlisted for the Miles Franklin award. Her non-fiction book, Kindred: A Cradle Mountain Love Story , was a finalist in the Queensland Literary Awards.
Praise for Infidelity and Other Affairs
Utterly compelling, deeply complex, achingly beautiful, heartbreakingly clear-headed, frequently saddening but more frequently wondrous, and always honest as f-k. Not unlike marriage when it works. One of Australia s finest writers unflinchingly investigating and illuminating the value of monogamy and the true cost of betrayal. But all of life is here, too, and all of love.
-Trent Dalton
It s very hard to find an Australian writer who can portray others more virtuosically than Kate Legge. But now, when she turns her pen to the infidelity within her own marriage, she achieves something truly extraordinary; a pellucid study that is at once shocking and generous. It s so gripping that I crashed into a bin while reading it as I walked home from the train. I m certain some will pick up this book out of curiosity and prurience. But having done so, they cannot fail to be entranced by Legge s bone-deep strength and wisdom, and her quiet instruction on building a whole life out of things that are broken.
-Annabel Crabb

For Molly
Contents
Infidelity
Hereditary Disorder
1. Broken Hill, 1939
2. Beaumaris, 1978
3. Malvern East, 2007
4. Williamstown, 2016
Birthmarks
5. Something of Our Own
6. Mother Who?
7. A Room in My Heart
8. Specks in the Cosmos
9. Gone Fishing
Wisdom Spots
10. Crazy Cat Lady
11. Running with Wolves
12. The New Scarcity
13. Breaking Bad
14. Boiled Frogs
15. Grandmotherdom
16. Tree Whispering
17. A Walking Life
Reckoning
18. Imperfection
Acknowledgements
Infidelity
Affairs are a little like childbirth. Someone is always having one somewhere, usually right under the nose of a spouse because nobody knows everything that happens inside a marriage, not even the people in it. The mere mention of infidelity brings confessions tumbling forth. An optometrist forgets my eye test as she regales me with stories of her father-in-law s serial philandering. The barista tells me their brother had sex with a guest on his wedding night. A woman who was hosting her father s wake upstairs caught her husband and his lover in flagrante delicto downstairs. The mother in the midst of breastfeeding was sickened when her husband s phone pinged with kinky texts from his mistress.
Nothing is sacred or beyond the pale once the wick is lit. Women are as game as men. Girlfriends talk deliriously of affairs that lofted them into a realm of illicit pleasure. Lust is tyrannical in dictating concealment and smothering the nag of conscience. Here s where lovers float far above the crunch of domestic routine - conversing breathlessly in a covert lexicon of glances and sighs, for few can resist the thrall of a desire strong enough to snuff out reason. Who doesn t dream of being loved dangerously, thrillingly, free from the tethers of restraint?
Conservative estimates suggest affairs occur in 20 to 25 per cent of all marriages; though surveys in this field are notoriously rubbery, since they rely on self-reporting by participants who are prone to massaging the truth, often kidding themselves. We know that men were once more likely to mate widely for the evolutionary benefits of spreading their seed, and traditional stereotypes boxed them as better at separating sex from love. But this gendered idea of philandering no longer stands as women relish greater freedoms and financial independence. Nor is cheating on your spouse predominantly a gamble by the young and restless, or a cure for midlife late-marriage blues. An academic review of data collected over the decade to 2006 by American psychologist Frank Fincham revealed infidelity was on the rise for all age groups, with the most dramatic lift among elderly men enjoying treatments for erectile dysfunction and the boon of joint replacements. The longer we live, the lower our tolerance for the boredom of staying put.
There are countless excuses for why we go a roving: drought in the marital bedroom, domestic discord, impulsiveness, insecure attachment, loneliness, neuroticism, narcissism, discontent, substance abuse, a desire for risk-taking, a quest for self-discovery, an escape from the monotony of monogamy. Slight gender differences emerged in a 2017 UK research report, Let s Talk Sex , which polled 5000 people and drew on interviews with Scottish relationship counsellors who identified affairs as the prickliest thorn. In a nod to Venus and Mars, they pointed out a libido gap between partners. Women were more than twice as likely as men to blame sexual problems on a lack of emotional intimacy, while men were twice as likely as women to nominate sex as the key to relationship satisfaction.
So, the triggers for an affair are intricate and infinite. Whenever New York couples therapist Esther Perel thinks she s heard every explanation for cheating, she stumbles across a novel variation on this theme, mostly in conversational exchanges outside the confines of her consulting rooms. It doesn t matter whether she s in a nail salon, or on board a plane, or in a Manhattan cab, the minute she reveals her profession, people squeal and tell, whether or not in a whisper. There are no bystanders in this conflict zone.
Perel s been accused of being pro-affair , for the nuanced approach in her books and articles exploring meanings and motives beyond the minefield of trauma. What it did to one and what it meant to the other is how she frames her stance in The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity : I do not approve of deception or take betrayal lightly. I sit with the devastation in my office every day. But the intricacies of love and desire don t yield to simple categorisations of good and bad, victim and perpetrator.
A similar equanimity inspires the advocacy of American sex commentator Dan Savage. He encourages couples to honour the strength of the relationship over the demands of sexual exclusivity. In an interview with The New York Times , he acknowledged the reality that two people who love each other and promise not to stray might, in fact, do this very thing, and if they do it, it should not be the end of the world.
Savage asks us to recognise that some people will be monogamous, while others might like threesomes or taking lovers. Married and gay, he labels himself monogamish to explain a way of being that honours the reality, rather than the romantic ideal, of relationships. His philosophy is soldered to honesty; a little flexibility; and, when necessary, forgiveness instead of exile or punishment. I acknowledge the advantages of monogamy when it comes to sexual safety, infections, emotional safety and paternity awareness. But people in monogamous relationships have to be willing to meet me a quarter of the way and acknowledge the drawbacks of monotony around boredom, despair, lack of variety, sexual desire and being taken for granted.
I didn t consult either of these specialists when infidelity mowed me down in the hallway of my home. I didn t want abstract theories to warm the recesses of my dank cave. In my funk of desolation, I didn t care for facts or research or hypotheses that might explain my husband s behaviour and elucidate how I d contributed to our downfall. I hadn t considered monogamy a tough gig. I hadn t grasped the inherent logic of the adage trust is a risk masquerading as a promise .
For months after that cataclysmic king hit, I withstood waves of ferocious turbulence not unlike the post-traumatic stress symptoms of returned veterans. I d be assaulted without warning by memories I d have to unscramble in a harsher light, as I sought to reconcile what I remembered of the past with what I now knew had transpired.
A wise literary friend discouraged me from an impetuous rush into print, which is every writer s therapeutic reflex. Another who d reeled from the blow of infidelity texted me tips that kept me sane: Long walks with the dog; seeing a psychologist; writing three pages and not sending anything; getting girlfriends around for drinks and talking about other stuff; having a couple of people to confide in - CHOOSE THEM VERY CAREFULLY; the occasional sleeping tablet; a saying, repeat often, this too will pass ; a really good lawyer.
I sought the counsel of a friend who was a family lawyer and an expert in the blitzkrieg of marital warfare. Her professional insights were enriched by personal experience. She d occupied each corner of this triangle: the spurned wife, the other woman and the adulteress. Her practice dealt with every permutation of this ancient conundrum, since infidelity is the most common cause of breakdowns in romantic relationships. She steered me away from the bonfire of court.
So I smouldered in the ashes of deceit, and sought relief in the discipline and distraction of the job I loved - writing long-form journalism for a magazine, scrut