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191 pages

English

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Description

Power is embedded in our society and makes its way into relationships through control. Hidden in everyday interactions, control is one of the major contributors to disagreements, arguments and conflicts in interpersonal relationships.

Our sense of self is the most precious thing we have. Controllers may target someone's emotional, social, financial or physical well-being, but their most effective target is a person's self- identity. That is why control is so debilitating. When our autonomy is damaged our self-worth is damaged.

But control is not simple â if someone tries to use power over another, that person will resist. Resistance in turn can become controlling. This book unravels the tangled web to show how control can take over; what is and what is not controlling behaviour; what is control and what is resistance; the effects of the power struggle; the harm it causes and how to deal with it.

While the book's focus is on romantic relationships the material applies to many types of relationship such as student/teacher, parent/child, co-workers or employee/employer. The explanations provide a framework for understanding bullying and domestic violence.

The personal strategies are helpful for many different situations in which we find we lack the skills to achieve a good outcome. By understanding how control works people can stand back and see the inner workings of their relationships and how they operate.

Chapters:

1: "Five Stages of Relationships" -Relationships can be divided into five stages: honeymoon; power struggle; parallel lives; synergy; end (by death or breakup). This chapter describes the transition from honeymoon to power struggle, where many relationships become stuck.
2: "Power Struggle" -There are differences in why people hurt others. Some want to get their own way and hurt others in the process. Some hurt others because they like seeing their pain.
3: "Why People Control" -People control to enact their beliefs. Thirteen different beliefs are investigated.
4: "Macro Control" -There are different levels of control. The most control one person can have over another is to define their reality.
5: "Social Methods of Control" -A common method of social control is to alienate a partner from their friends and family. Another is to diminish the partner in public.
6: "Resistance and Counter-Control" -People resist being controlled. Their resistance behaviours can become self-destructive. Sometimes they resist to the point that they become controlling in return.
7: "Manipulative Methods of Control" -Manipulative control can be the hardest to pin down what it is.
8: "Manipulative Arguments" -Sometimes we know the other person's argument is not right but we can't exactly say why. Common fallacious arguments y controllers use are presented.
9: "Who is Resisting and Who is Controlling?" -It can be very hard to tease out what is happening with control. The levels of control provide a clue.
10: "Covert Methods of Control" -These diminish a partner but are hidden in everyday behaviours.
11: "Overt Methods of Control" -Controllers who use overt methods believe they have the right to dominate the other person.
12: "Physical Methods of Control" -Include domestic violence where the controller uses any means to subdue their partner.
13. "Effect of the Power Struggle on the Self" -Power struggles deplete people. Continual diminishment can lead to depression. Continual criticism or attack leads to anxiety.
14. "History of Control" -Shows how values and beliefs are passed down the generations.
15 "Power of the Environment" -From our inherited behaviours to modern day social expectations our environment influences what we do and how we think.
16. "Power Over Ourselves" - looks at how people can rebuild themselves using a healthier paradigm.
17. "Does it Have to be a Power Struggle?" -The book concludes that the power to influence is more effective than the power to control and includes some techniques to achieve that.

Sujets

Santé et bien-être

Santé mentale & traumatisme

Vie de famille

Relations familiales

Soutien psychologique et conseils familiaux

Santé mentale

Fracture familiale

Abuse

Self-help

Famille

Informations

Publié par	eBookIt.com
Date de parution	12 juin 2014
Nombre de lectures	4
EAN13	9780987380814
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0494€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

Power and Control in Relationships
Mary Rose
Published by Vase Publishing
PO Box 305 Parkholme South Australia 5043
enquiries@vasepublishing.com.au

This book is available for purchase from www.vasepublishing.com.au

ISBN 978-0-9873808-1-4
First published in 2013
Copyright Mary Rose 2013

All rights reserved. Except for referenced quotations of less than 300 words in one work no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Email: enquiries@vasepublishing.com.au

The moral right of the author has been asserted

National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry
Author:
Rose, Mary.
Title:
Power and control in relationships / Mary Rose.
ISBN:
9780987380807 (pbk.)
Subjects:
Interpersonal relations

Control (Psychology)
Dewey Number: 158.2

The author would like to thank:

Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs of Duluth Minnesota for permission to use their Equality Wheel and Power Wheel illustrations.

David and Kathryn Geldard for permission to use an adapted form of their Irrational Beliefs Table from Basic Personal Counselling, Pearson Education.

Patricia Easteal for permission to reproduce a case from Killing the Beloved , Australian Institute of Criminology.

Cover design: vasgraphix@adam.com.au

Printed in Adelaide by Finsbury Green
CONTENTS
FULL CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 1: FIVE STAGES OF RELATIONSHIPS
CHAPTER 2: POWER STRUGGLE
CHAPTER 3: WHY PEOPLE CONTROL
CHAPTER 4: MACRO CONTROL
CHAPTER 5: SOCIAL METHODS OF CONTROL
CHAPTER 6: RESISTANCE AND COUNTER-CONTROL
CHAPTER 7: MANIPULATIVE METHODS OF CONTROL
CHAPTER 8: MANIPULATIVE ARGUMENTS
CHAPTER 9: WHO IS RESISTING WHO IS CONTROLLING?
CHAPTER 10: COVERT METHODS OF CONTROL
CHAPTER 11: OVERT METHODS OF CONTROL
CHAPTER 12: PHYSICAL METHODS OF CONTROL
CHAPTER 13: EFFECTS OF THE POWER STRUGGLE ON THE SELF
CHAPTER 14: HISTORY OF CONTROL
CHAPTER 15: POWER OF THE SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT
CHAPTER 16: POWER OVER OURSELVES
CHAPTER 17: DOES IT HAVE TO BE A POWER STRUGGLE?
ENDNOTES
FULL CONTENTS
CONTENTS
FULL CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 1: FIVE STAGES OF RELATIONSHIPS
NEED TO KNOW
FIVE STAGES
HONEYMOON TIME
POWER STRUGGLE
PARALLEL LIVES
SYNERGY
RELATIONSHIP END
TRANSITION FROM HONEYMOON TO POWER STRUGGLE

CHAPTER 2: POWER STRUGGLE
MOTIVES OF AGGRESSION
INSTRUMENTAL AGGRESSION
HOSTILE AGGRESSION
PRACTICES OF AGGRESSION
SOCIAL AGGRESSION
EMOTIONAL AGGRESSION
PHYSICAL AGGRESSION
POWER STRUGGLING AND POWER FIGHTING
CONTROLLER GOALS

CHAPTER 3: WHY PEOPLE CONTROL
REACTIONS TO DIFFERENT POINTS OF VIEW
OUTRIGHT DENIAL
RATIONALISING DENIAL
CONSIDERATION
PARTIAL ACCEPTANCE
FULL ACCEPTANCE
HIERARCHY
GRATIFICATION IN THE POSSESSION OF POWER
OBEDIENCE TO THE HIERARCHY
OWNERSHIP
JEALOUSY/ENVY
JEALOUSY OF PARTNER
NEED FOR DESTRUCTION
NATURAL ASSUMPTION
NATURAL ASSUMPTION OF SUPERIORITY
NATURAL ASSUMPTION OF BEING RIGHT
PROBLEM OF NATURAL ASSUMPTION
EXTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL
ROLE-PLAYING
ZERO SUM GAME
FEAR
SELF-CENTRED
ADVERSARIAL PARADIGM
DICHOTOMOUS THINKING
Winning/Losing
Right and Wrong/Good and Evil
ADVERSARIAL THINKING
The whole world is the enemy
GETTING ATTENTION
COMPETITION
FOR AND AGAINST
OVERDEVELOPED SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY
LACK OF SELF-WORTH
ARROGANCE WITH LOW SELF-WORTH
THE WORLD AS A FAIRY STORY
RESISTANCE AS CONTROL
UNABLE TO CHANGE THEMSELVES
HABITS
THE IMPORTANCE OF GOODWILL IN AN OVERARCHING PARADIGM

CHAPTER 4: MACRO CONTROL
PARAMETER SETTING
DEFINING REALITY
DEFINING WHO YOU ARE
FRAMING
POLICY MAKING
SETTING THE AGENDA
MAKING THE RULES
DEFINING THE PROBLEM
ORGANISING
NARROWING THE GOAL POSTS/CHANGING THE RULES
DISCONNECTION VS. DISENGAGEMENT VS. DETACHMENT
DETACHMENT
DISCONNECTION - THE ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP CONTROL WEAPON
DISENGAGEMENT
SPHERES OF CONTROL

CHAPTER 5: SOCIAL METHODS OF CONTROL
ALIENATING FRIENDS/FAMILY
REFUSING TO GO OUT
CRITICISING FRIENDS AND FAMILY
MAKING FRIENDS UNCOMFORTABLE
EMBARRASSING PARTNER IN FRONT OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY
BEING A WET BLANKET
ENFORCED ISOLATION
SABOTAGING RELATIONSHIPS
DIMINISHING THE PARTNER IN PUBLIC
FLIRTING
EXCLUDING
CONDESCENDING/PATRONISING
LAUGHING AT - NOT WITH - THE PARTNER IN FRONT OF OTHERS
REFUSING TO LAUGH AT PARTNER S JOKES
USING OTHER PEOPLE S EXPECTATIONS
USING OTHER PEOPLE S JUDGEMENTS
TREATING PARTNER DIFFERENTLY FROM OTHERS
APOLOGISING FOR PARTNER
USING PARTNER AS AN EXCUSE
TALKING ABOUT PARTNER AS IF THEY WEREN T THERE
CRITICISING PARTNER IN FRONT OF OTHERS
ANSWERING FOR PARTNER
INTERPRETING FOR PARTNER
PRESSURE TO CONFORM
INCITE OTHERS AGAINST THE PARTNER
FORCED TEAMING
MATERNAL / PATERNAL ALIENATION
SCAPEGOATING

CHAPTER 6: RESISTANCE AND COUNTER-CONTROL
RESISTANCE THINKING
RESISTANCE BEHAVIOURS
SELF-DESTRUCTIVE RESISTANCE BEHAVIOURS
OVERCOMING UNHELPFUL RESISTANCE
RESISTANCE TURNING INTO POWER ABUSE
CONSTRAINTS TO RESISTANCE

CHAPTER 7: MANIPULATIVE METHODS OF CONTROL
NOT ASKING
GIVING
SELF-INTEREST REFRAMED
SELF-GRATIFICATION IN GIVING
BESTOWING
PLAYING FOR PITY
FALSE OFFERS
AFTER-THE-EVENT OFFERS
UNMATERIALISED OFFERS
GIVING AND THEN TAKING AWAY
BACKSTEPPING
BEING INDETERMINATE
NO IN A YES GUISE
FALSE PROMISES
SUCKING IN
EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
PROVING LOVE
GUILT
SPURIOUS EQUALITY
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION
INGRATITUDE
MANIPULATING FEARS
MANIPULATING THROUGH UNHAPPINESS
TRADING ON FEELINGS
MANIPULATING THROUGH OBLIGATION
BARGAINING
FORGETTING
ENGINEERING SITUATIONS
SAYING ONE THING, DOING ANOTHER
CREATING ILLUSIONS
TRANSFERRING RESPONSIBILITY
USING EXCUSES
MANIPULATING INFORMATION
WITHHOLDING INFORMATION
SECRECY
PROTECTION
WASTING A PARTNER S TIME
LYING
I DIDN T HEAR YOU
DELIBERATE LYING
MORALISING
INSISTING ON AN APOLOGY
REINFORCING FAILURES
PRIMING
GETTING DRUNK
ENCOURAGING ADDICTIONS
SEXUAL MANIPULATION
MANIPULATIVE COUNSELLING, PSYCHOLOGY, PSYCHIATRY
ABUSE BY MEDIATION
STEALING
INVOLVING PARTNER AS AN ACCESSORY TO A CRIME
PROMISING CHANGE

CHAPTER 8: MANIPULATIVE ARGUMENTS
FALLACIOUS ARGUMENTS
STRAWMAN FALLACY
AD HOMINEM FALLACY
TU QUOQUE FALLACY
FALLACY OF GUILT BY ASSOCIATION
APPEAL TO POPULARITY
APPEAL TO AUTHORITY
APPEAL TO IGNORANCE
APPEAL TO TRADITION
CIRCULAR REASONING
BEGGING THE QUESTION
SLIPPERY SLOPE ARGUMENT
SLIPPERY PRECEDENT
APPEAL TO EMOTION
FALSE DICHOTOMY
AFFIRMING THE CONSEQUENT
DENYING THE ANTECEDENT
CONFUSING CORRELATION AND CAUSE
POST HOC
FALLACY OF COMPOSITION
FALLACY OF DIVISION
HASTY GENERALISATION
ANECDOTAL ARGUMENT
TWO WRONGS MAKE A RIGHT
SLIPPERY ASSIMILATION
USING LANGUAGE TO MANIPULATE ARGUMENTS
OUR SIDE BIAS
RED HERRING
EUPHEMISM
JARGON
VAGUENESS
DISTORTION
TIME GAP
OTHER FALLACIOUS ARGUMENTS

CHAPTER 9: WHO IS RESISTING WHO IS CONTROLLING .....
LEVELS OF CONTROL
WHO IS THE CONTROLLER?
THE MANIPULATIVE CONTROLLER
THE VICTIM
TURNING INTO A CONTROLLER
DISCONNECTION - THE COLD GLARY THING
DISCONNECTION WITHOUT THE GLARE
A CONTROLLING DYNAMIC
BAD TIMING
LOVE
CONCLUSION

CHAPTER 10: COVERT METHODS OF CONTROL
GLEE IN ANOTHER S MISFORTUNE
BEING UNCOOPERATIVE
INTERRUPTIVE ACTIVITY
SERVANT MAKING
MAKING A MESS
INCOMPETENCE
SICKNESS
IRRESPONSIBILITY
JUDGING
COMPARING
PRAISE
Approval is not love
The language of praise
Damn with faint praise
UNACCEPTABLE APOLOGY
FRUSTRATING
BREAKAGES
WORK-MAKING
THE VETO
KILLING THE MOMENT
LACK OF GOODWILL
MEASURING
DIMINISHING
DISCOURAGEMENT
DENYING COMPETENCE
MONOPOLISING
ATTENTION-SEEKING
RESCUING
CONCERN
COMPLAINING
TIMING
DISTRACTION
LANGUAGE
COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS
Magnification
Minimising
BACKHANDED COMPLIMENTS
TIT-FOR-TAT
CONFLICTING MESSAGES
HIDING BEHIND CONTENT
WITHHOLDING
WITHHOLDING AFFECTION AND/OR SEX
NEGLECT
DISBELIEVING
OVERSTEPPING BOUNDARIES
KILLING THE DREAM
SIGNS OF CONTROL
WALKING IN FRONT
SPEAKING FOR THE OTHER
FROWNING
INITIATING BUT NOT RESPONDING
OTHER PHYSICAL SIGNS OF CONTROL
OTHER BEHAVIOURAL SIGNS OF CONTROL

CHAPTER 11: OVERT METHODS OF CONTROL
LANGUAGE
ORDERING
INTERRUPTING
TAKING OVER THE CONVERSATION
TALKING OVER THE TOP
CORRECTING
DISMISSING WHAT A PARTNER SAYS
ASKING
YELLING
DISRESPECTFUL LANGUAGE
LABELLING
PUT DOWNS
FORCING A RETRACTION
PERSISTENCE
TAKING OVER
HELPING
OVER-REACHING AUTHORITY
INTERFERING
DENYING
INVALIDATING FEELINGS
DENYING WHAT WAS SAID
DENYING WHAT HAPPENED
DENYING WHAT IS HAPPENING
FAILING TO RECOGNISE ANOTHER S CONTRIBUTION
DENYING ENTITLEMENT
DENORMALISING
DENYING CONCERNS
CRITICISM
FINANCES
ECONOMIC CONTROL
EXTORTION
THEFT
WITHHOLDING
WITHHOLDING CONVERSATION
WITHHOLDING HELP
WITHHOLDING NECESSITIES
BREAKING PROMISES
DIMINISHING
INVADING PRIVACY
OGLING THE OTHER SEX
PUBLIC HUMILIATION
STUNTING PERSONAL GROWTH
MAKING A PARTNER BEG
REVEALING CONFIDENCES
ACCUSATIONS
FAULT FINDING
BLAME
INTERROGATING
DICTATING
DOMINATING
OVERRIDING THE PARTNER
FORBIDDING
THREATS
VEILED THREATS
NAKED THREATS
ABUSE OF POSITION
ANGER
DESTRUCTION
EMOTIONAL DESTRUCTION
PHYSICAL DESTRUCTION
PUNISHING
CONTROL THROUGH MOOD
BLOW UPS

CHAPTER 12: PHYSICAL METHODS OF CONTROL
FEAR
STALKING
BODY LANGUAGE
DISCONNECTION
DIMINISHING
MENACING
PHYSICAL HANDLING
HOLDING
WRESTLING
CONSTRAINING
DEGRADING SEX
RAPE
KILLING PETS
PHYSICAL INJURY
VICARIOUS VIOLENCE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
HOW PEOPLE GET INTO ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
Point of