Gaffer Tapes , livre ebook

Pitch Publishing Ltd - Tom Holmes

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103 pages

English

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If you've secretly logged in at work to set your line-up, or if you can't wait to gloat in the group chat, then this unique and hilarious book about the national obsession of fantasy football is for you. The A-Z of Fantasy Football is a journey through the hobby that has people across the world scrambling for their phone every matchday morning. Fantasy footy has come a long way since it entailed scouring through the newspapers in the 90s - and, as the game has grown, so have the lengths players will go to in order to win! You'll read about the eye-watering forfeits, the labour-ward transfers, interviews with footballers who refuse to bet against themselves, and tales of woe from those who take things that little bit too far. Littered with insightful dos and don'ts from the nation's leading fantasy football podcast, this guide will have you in stitches half the time and in disbelief the other. There's no promises that the book will help you win the whole thing, but it has all you need to help you beat your mates.

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Role-playing

Informations

Publié par	Pitch Publishing Ltd
Date de parution	01 juillet 2019
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781785315862
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0500€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

First published by Pitch Publishing, 2019
Pitch Publishing
A2 Yeoman Gate
Yeoman Way
Durrington
BN13 3QZ
www.pitchpublishing.co.uk
Tom Holmes, Craig Hazell and Ash Kernsworth, 2019
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the Publisher.
A CIP catalogue record is available for this book from the British Library
Print ISBN 978-1-78531-506-0 eBook ISBN 978-1-78531-586-2
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Contents
Foreword
Introduction
A Brief History of Fantasy Football
Life is What Happens When You re Busy Playing Fantasy Football
What Are They On About?
How to Beat Your Friends at Fantasy Football
I m Just Unlucky
The Boot Room
What Are You Playing For?
Inside the Dressing Room
Real Fans vs Fantasy Fans
Death, Taxes and Fantasy Football
Foreword
I LL be honest, I have no idea why I ve been asked to do this foreword.
I don t like fantasy football - I don t even like football. I do, however, like fantasies: for example, chocolate covered boobies or a world without football.
In fact I don t actually know if I know what fantasy football is. My friends from The Gaffer Tapes asked me to do this and I said yes because I always pretend to listen to their podcast but never actually have and that makes me feel bad. I m writing this to make myself feel better for all the lies and you know what? It s working. I m such a great guy.
I used to love pretending to like football. It was around the same time I was pretending to like olives. I pretended to support Liverpool and I pretended to cry when they lost in the FA Cup Final to Manchester United with a late goal from some guy who I can t be bothered to google. I don t think I was ever angry enough to like it. Football fans seem so angry. Even when they win they are aggressively happy. Last summer, when England outperformed everyone s low expectations, I saw a street taken over with white shirts where chairs and tables were thrown and the riot police were called. That was when we won. During the madness, I saw a man steal a bike, holding it aloft while singing it s coming home! It s coming home! I m glad something did because the person who owned that bike didn t.
Ok, for the sake of this book let me try and be more positive. I do like three things about football.
I like that the goalkeepers (is that one word or two?), are not allowed to celebrate when they do a good save, even though technically it s as good as a goal. So instead, knowing everyone is looking at them, they hold the ball and shout and point.
I also like the singing aspect. Somehow everyone learns the words without a hymn sheet being handed out, which I find wonderfully impressive.
Finally, I like it when the fans see themselves on the big screen and just as they get excited the camera switches to someone fresh. I think being the man in control of that has one of the finest jobs available, better than a stand-up comedian or professional foreword writer.
I hope you enjoy this book more than I like football. I think you will. I ve read it and its great. Ok, I haven t read it, but I promise to read it one day guys, while simultaneously listening to your shitty podcast.
I m off to scour the internet for chocolate covered boobies. Byeeee
Joel Dommett
Introduction
I F we had to describe fantasy football to an alien, we wouldn t, we d be far too busy worrying about where he was going to put his massive bony finger. We d also be wanting to engage the little fella in more beneficial, existential conversation than explaining bonus points, what a wildcard was and when was the best time to use it. We d want to know if the alien race really were behind the construction of the pyramids, if the Men in Black movie franchise is at all realistic, and if Mesut zil is actually one of them. Come on, look at the eyes! If, after a few hours, the alien still wanted to know the ins and outs of fantasy football, then we d probably have to indulge him. It s only polite, innit? So, take a seat, put up a tentacle and let The Gaffer Tapes walk you through the unique pastime that is the game of the beautiful game .
Unfortunately, fantasy football in the United Kingdom is dwarfed by its transatlantic cousin. The NFL is big business, and fantasy football out in the States is equally as colossal; there s a disgusting amount of money to be made in and around American fantasy football. Regrettably, that s not the case with our fantasy football (or proper fantasy football, as we like to refer to it) because if there was we d be bloody rolling in it, mate. In fact, five years ago, when we first started recording our podcast, we were inundated with questions regarding the American game, because people were under the misconception that we were an NFL show. Who to pick at quarterback? What guy to go with in the flex? Do you think he ll be found guilty? At first we used to correct them as well as telling them that by fantasy football they mean fantasy soccer and by fantasy soccer they mean fantasy football , the word-stealing, language-butchering, overweight hicks. After a few months of the NFL questions, however, we gave up and just started offering advice. Yeah, pick Tom Brady, he s got lovely legs. Flex is a tough call, maybe go with Smithson, he will touchdown that pigskin right in their bloody endzone. He s definitely guilty.
The Gaffer Tapes have grown and evolved with the game of (proper) fantasy football; from recording our ramblings on an iPhone to about 12 listeners, to being downloaded millions of times in over 50 countries. We ve written about it for the likes of the SPORTbible and talked about it on TalkSPORT radio, or, to be more specific, we were called nerds by the hosts while talking about it on TalkSPORT radio. We ve dreamt about it, lived it, breathed it, loved it and hated it, all in equal measures. It s got to the stage where we can t look at cold temperatures on a weather map without it bringing back memories of bad fantasy football scores of the past, or hear a pilot introduce himself and the first officer without thinking about that weekend s line-up announcements. And god forbid when someone tells me their phone number and it ends in 433. Because that s the problem - fantasy football warps how you look at the world and how much you actually enjoy playing the game. For us, being involved in a full-time capacity for so long means that playing fantasy football has become somewhat of a busman s holiday and has kind of ruined it a little bit. Like how working at the Mars factory ruins chocolate or working at Sports Direct really puts you off massive mugs but that s probably no way to talk about Mike Ashley.
Ever since you first shouted at a manager from the stands or from the other side of a television screen, you became a fantasy football manager. You may not have started playing the actual game of fantasy football until years later, but from that first yell of frustration, you knew what needed to be done - you knew you could do a better job. Fantasy football is your chance to be that football manager. Personally, we think that being a fantasy football manager is actually more difficult and a hell of a lot less rewarding than managing a real team. Think about it, you re on your own in fantasy football, you don t have a team of coaching staff behind you, assisting you with tactics and formation, feeding you information on players fitness levels and telling you how brilliant you are constantly. Nope, it s just you and your team.
Will we be able to enhance and nurture your inner football manager? Yeah, we d like to think so. Will the pages of this book help you realise your full potential, impart some high-level wisdom which will tip the balance of the universe and transform you into one of the greatest fantasy football managers of all time? No. No, we probably won t. But will we talk you through what a ball-ache it can be and laugh at some people who are even worse at it than you? Oh yes. Don t get us wrong, there will be some tips and fantasy discussion that should assist you on your fantasy footballing journey, and some comical anecdotes and observations that will keep you laughing if they don t. We may not help you win the whole of fantasy football, but we ll have a bloody good go at helping you beat your mates, and that s the most important thing, right?
We ve been involved in fantasy football for years and as a result have seen our own fair share of highs and lows, from top-100 overall finishes to drunken transfers that resulted in losing mini-leagues. We ll be pouring everything we have in our huge, swollen kit bags on to these pages, in what we are certain will be the definitive guide to fantasy football. We delve into the time-wasting, procrastinating and commiserating, we scrutinise the forfeits, formations and for Christ s sakes! We look at stories of misfortune, mistakes and miracles, and there s insight into the history, heroes and heresy of fantasy football. We talk to current professional footballers about their teams, who they pick, who they refuse to include and whether they re vain enough to select themselves. There s insight from celebrities, presenters and comedians who sat down with us and made us feel a lot better about the amount of time we spend on fantasy football, knowing that successful public figures (people with actual lives ) do it too.
There s something for everyone within. Whether you ve played fantasy football before, you re interest