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65 pages

English

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When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new wife or a new car.Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the funniest jokes and one-liners ever told.After reading some of these hilarious jokes you will realise that you can't beat a good laugh.

Informations

Publié par	Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd
Date de parution	06 janvier 2023
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781398471535
Langue	English
Poids de l'ouvrage	1 Mo

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0175€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

You Can’t Beat a Good Laugh
Bill Townley
Austin Macauley Publishers
2023-01-06
You Can’t Beat a Good Laugh About the Author Dedication Copyright Information © CHRISTMAS CRACKERS Recipe For Love -->
About the Author
Bill Townley is a happily retired man.
Bill was born in Dundee and now lives in Linlithgow, Scotland.
He has had several jobs in his career including a time served as a watch and clock repairer, a regional manager for Comet Discount, and a pub landlord in Falkirk.
Dedication
Dedicated to my mum and dad, Robert and Mary Townley.
Copyright Information ©
Bill Townley 2023
The right of Bill Townley to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9781398471528 (Paperback)
ISBN 9781398471535(ePub e-book)
www.austinmacauley.com
First Published 2023
Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd ® 1 Canada Square
Canary Wharf
London
E14 5AA
When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new wife or a new car.
***
Pat and Mick went to the cinema to see the film Jaws . The cashier asks them which seats they would like. Pat replies, “Two at the shallow end.”
***
The golfer hits his ball into a bed of daisies; as he picks it up, a fairy flies up and gives him a telling off, banning him from eating butter for six months. His friend was also golfing and rang him to say that he had just put his ball into a bed of pussy willow. His friend replies, “Don’t go near it!”
***
My wife and I had perfect sex last night.
We both had headaches.
***
Why do cows have long faces? Well, if you had your tits pulled three times a day, and a bull every month – you would have a long face too!
***
I was on a banana diet for three months. I didn’t lose much weight, but God, could I climb trees!
***
A man asked his girlfriend if she smoked during sex.
She replied, “I don’t know, I’ve never looked.”
***
A man had to go to hospital for two weeks. Every day he was served haggis, neeps and tatties. He asked why this was, and the doctor replied, “This is the Burns Unit.”
***
I joined Alcoholics Anonymous today. I’m now drinking under an assumed name.
***
A man only had days to live. His family were gathered around his deathbed. One son asked him that when at rest in his open coffin, were there any special words he would like them to say? The man replied “Look! he’s moving!”
***
The man’s ambition was to live to 99 years old, and then to be shot dead by a jealous husband.
***
There was an accident at the Bellhaven Brewery, a young worker fell into a vat full of beer. Someone asked if he drowned. “Drowned?” replied a co-worker, “He got out three times for a pee!”
***
I was a very clever child – I was walking by three months. Mind you, I had no choice as the arse fell out of the pram.
***
An old couple were chatting one night. The wife says to the husband, “Jim, you’re getting on – you’ll be 80 next year. Where would you like to be buried?”
Her husband replied, “Just above you, dear.”
***
I don’t think my wife likes me anymore. When I became ill, she wrote for an ambulance!
***
A man said to his girlfriend “You have a lovely head of grey hair, but down below it’s black.”
She replied, “I don’t have any problems down there.”
***
They have invented a Viagra biscuit – when you dip it in your tea, it stays hard!
***
If you are going on holiday to a town which has a prison, never say you are going away for 14 days.
***
A man is at a restaurant, looking at the menu. When he’s ready to order, he asks the waitress for a quicky. The waitress replies, “Don’t be so rude!”
A nearby diner leans across to tell the man, “You should have asked for a quiche!”
***
The minister was driving north on holiday and his car breaks down. He wanders along the road and comes across a farmhouse. The minister asks the farmer if he can stay the night. The farmer welcomes him in and says he can stay in his son’s room, as he has a big bed. At 2am, the minister notices the son is kneeling at the bedside, he assumes the boy is praying. To show a good example, the minister gets up and joins him at his side of the bed. The boy looks up and says, “You’ll be in trouble with my mother in the morning, the chanty’s on this side of the bed!”
***
Zaza Gabor is good at housekeeping; after every divorce, she keeps the house.
***
I had to buy a new bathroom mirror today.
My old one was getting wrinkles.
***
My wife and I have great chemistry between us. She takes Prozac and I’m on anti-depressants.
***
My friend had a tattoo on his willy which read ‘Ludo’, when he was sexually aroused it read ‘Llandudno’.
***
The large antique shop had acquired this magic table, which was able to tell anyone how much money a person had in the bank. All you had to do was to tap the table three times, then enter the bank pin number of the person involved. One gentleman was curious to find out how much money his wife had in the bank, so he tapped the table three times and entered his wife’s pin number. To his surprise, the table announced that there was £50,000 in her account. He said out loud “Where did she get all that money?” After a few seconds, the table legs opened wide, and the drawers fell down.
***
An American tourist goes into a Russian public toilet.
What nationality is he? Eurapeein.
***
When you get older, three bad things happen to you; first you start to lose your memory… I can’t remember the other two.
***
The cow and the sheep were sharing a bed. After a few hours the cow asked the sheep to moo-moo-ve over. The sheep didn’t budge, so the cow kicked it out of the bed. The sheep looked up at the cow and shouted, “Baa-baa-bastard!”
***
The nun confessed to the mother superior that she had sworn. “I was playing a round of golf and as I played, my first shot bounced off a telegraph pole, then bounced back to the tee.”
The mother asked, “Is that when you swore?”
“No,” said the nun, “a squirrel got the ball and run into the long grass.”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the mother.
“No,” said the nun. “An eagle got hold of the squirrel and flew off. The squirrel dropped the ball two feet from the hole.”
“You didn’t miss the fucking putt, did you?!” said the mother superior.
***
A man had two parrots, and wanted to know their sex, so he contacted the pet shop for advice. They told him that when one parrot climbed on top of the other, he should tie a white ribbon round its neck and that would signify the ma le. Later that week, the local minister called round to visit. When the parrot saw him, it shouted “Have you been caught on the job as well?!”
***
A man got a taxi to the pub. On the way he spotted someone he knew and had not seen for years. He tapped the driver on the shoulder and asked him to pull over. The taxi flew out of control and swerved into a lamppost. The shaken passenger asked what happened. The driver said, “This is my first shift as a taxi driver, I drove a hearse for 20 years!”
***
A man was having trouble getting his willy out in a public toilet. The man next to him said, “You must have a problem when it comes to sex.”
“Not really,” said the first man, “on those occasions it’s twice the size and there are two of us looking for it.”
***
John Wayne was on holiday in Glasgow. He took ill, and was taken to hospital. Later on when he came to, he still felt dizzy and asked the doctor where he was. “Don’t worry John, you’re in the Western.”
***
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
***
You can buy a very nice bottle of wine at Aldi’s at half price. It’s called Vino Collapso.
***
This chap liked large women. When he visited the brothel he asked for the largest woman they had. They said Janet upstairs was quite large (30 stone). While he was performing, he asked Janet if he could put the light out. She asked, “Don’t you like my face?”
“Oh no, it’s not that,” he said, “the lightbulb is burning my arse.”
***
A man goes to his bank to check his balance – if it’s in the black, he has a pint to celebrate, and if it’s in the red, he has a pint to commiserate.
***
The man stayed for a fortnight in a Blackpool hotel, half board. By the second week, he’d cheered up.
***
The Irish pilot was flying from Dublin to New York. Half way there he received a message from New York, requesting his present height and position. He replied, “I’m five foot tall and sitting in the cockpit.”
***
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
***
Paddy says, “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”
“Really?” says Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
***
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified…
***
A friend of mine recently admitted that he was addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he insisted he could stop any time.
***
I went to the cemetery the other day to lay flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I saw four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot…”
***
My son asked for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to the local pet shop where they were selling for £70!
“Blow this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”
***
The lady said she wa