World's Greatest Collection of Clean Jokes , livre ebook

Harvest House Publishers, Inc. - Bob Phillips

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50 pages

English

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This top-selling collection of pure fun (more than 295,000 copies sold) is back with a fresh and lively new cover to reach more readers eager to laugh. Puns, one-liners, jester-worthy jokes, and quirky quips will amaze and astound friends and family. Giggles are guaranteed as readers enjoy the crazy conversations and hilarious observations-"Daddy, the teacher was reading the Bible to us-all about the children of Israel building the temple, the children of Israel crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel making sacrifices. Didn't the grownups do anything?""You're the laziest fellow I have seen.Don't you do anything quickly?""Yes, I get tired fast.""I haven't slept for days.""How come?""I only sleep at night!"

Sujets

Humour

Informations

Publié par	Harvest House Publishers, Inc.
Date de parution	01 mars 2013
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9780736948500
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0230€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS
EUGENE, OREGON
Cover by Dugan Design Group, Bloomington, Minnesota
THE WORLD S GREATEST COLLECTION OF CLEAN JOKES
Copyright 1998 by Bob Phillips
Published 2013 by Harvest House Publishers
Eugene, Oregon 97402
www.harvesthousepublishers.com
ISBN: 978-0-7369-4848-7 (pbk.)
ISBN: 978-0-7369-4850-0 (eBook)
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means-electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any other-except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Contents

Introduction
1. Adam and Eve
2. Airplanes
3. Army and Police
4. Bald
5. Barbers
6. Bible Quiz
7. Boys and Girls
8. Cannibals
9. Church, Preachers, and Sunday School
10. Crusty Characters
11. Do You Know?
12. Education
13. Family Frolic
14. Famous Last Words
15. Food
16. Getting Older
17. Golf
18. Hot Air
19. It s All in the Family
Introduction
A s one attempts to write a book, even a joke book, he often encounters periods of depression and a slowing of motivation. During periods of depression, I was spurred on by an important quote designed for writers:
If you steal from one author, it s plagiarism;
If you steal from two or three authors, it s literary discernment;
If you steal from many, it s masterful research.
Joke telling can be a lot of fun. Or it can be a disaster, like the man who told a joke and everyone booed except one man-he was applauding the booing.
If you would like to guarantee disaster in your joke telling, follow these suggestions:
1. Make sure you forget the punch line; sadists enjoy a letdown.
2. Laugh at your own joke and be sure to jab your audience during the process.
3. Tell the same story over if the point is missed. This will assure at least wry smiles.
4. Make sure the story is long enough to lull the dull ones to sleep.
5. Tell the wrong joke to the wrong audience; they ll feel worse than you do.
6. Above all else, don t be yourself because you know you re not humorous, even if you are funny.
If, on the other hand, you would like to have some measure of success in joke telling-ignore these suggestions.
-Bob Phillips
1
Adam and Eve
At what time of day was Adam born?
A little before Eve.

When was radio first mentioned in the Bible?
When the Lord took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker.

Eve: Adam, do you love me?
Adam: Who else?

Adam and Eve were naming the animals of the earth when along came a rhinoceros.
What shall we call this one? Adam asked.
Let s call it a rhinoceros, said Eve.
Why? responded Adam.
Well, it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we ve named yet! Eve replied.

Teacher: Why was Adam a famous runner?
Student: Because he was first in the human race.

Adam was created first . . . to give him a chance to say something.

What a good thing Adam had-when he said something he knew nobody had said it before.

The first Adam-splitting gave us Eve, a force which men in all ages have never gotten under control.
2
Airplanes
Passenger: Excuse me. How high is this plane?
Flight Attendant: About 30,000 feet.
Passenger: And how wide is it?

The loudspeaker of the big jet clicked on and the captain s voice announced in a clear, even tone: Now there s no cause for alarm but we felt you should know that for the last three hours we ve been flying without the benefit of radio, compass, radar, or navigational beam due to the breakdown of certain key components. This means that we are, in the broad sense of the word, lost and not quite sure in which direction we are heading. I m sure you ll be glad to know however, that we re making excellent time!

An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping in the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him for comfort.
Can t you do something? she demanded.
I m sorry, ma am, said the reverend gently. I m in sales, not management.

A man is now able to go across the United States in eight hours . . . four hours for flying, and the other four to get to the airport.

The airline company was disturbed over a high percentage of accidents and decided to eliminate human errors by building a completely mechanical plane.
Ladies and gentlemen, came a voice over a loudspeaker on the plane s maiden voyage, it may interest you to know that you are now traveling in the world s first completely automated plane. Now just sit back and relax because nothing can possibly go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong . . .

That airplane flight was so rough that the flight attendants poured the food directly into the sick sacks!

Pilot: Control tower, what time is it?
Control tower: What airline is this?
Pilot: What difference does that make?
Control tower: If it is United Airlines, it is 6:00 P.M. ; if it is TWA, it is 1800 hours; if it is Smogarian Air, the big hand is on the . . .

Passenger: Say, this is the worst steak I ve ever had. Don t you flight attendants even know how to serve a steak? Bring me another steak right now!
Flight attendant: Will that be to take out?

Flight attendant: I am sorry, Mr. Jones, but we left your wife behind in Chicago.
Man: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

Pilot: Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet high and running out of gas . . . please instruct . . . over.
Tower: Tower to pilot. . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me . . . Our Father, which art in heaven . . .

The other day one of those jumbo jets took off from New York with 400 passengers, then had to make a forced landing in Newark because of a hernia.

Last week I was flying on a plane and almost had a heart attack when I noticed a sign on the door of the pilot s cabin that said Student Pilot.
3
Army and Police
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That s no way to address an officer. Now, let s try that again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, sir!

An Army base staff that was planning war games didn t want to use live ammunition. Instead they informed the soldiers: In place of a rifle, you go, Bang, bang. In place of a knife, you go, Stab, stab. In place of a hand grenade, you go, Lob, lob.
The game was in progress when one of the soldiers saw one of the enemy. He said, Bang, bang, but nothing happened. He ran forward and shouted, Stab, stab, but nothing happened. He ran back and went, Lob, lob, but nothing happened. Finally he walked up to the enemy and said, You re not playing fair. I went Bang, bang and Stab, stab and Lob, lob and you haven t fallen dead yet!
The enemy responded, Rumble, rumble, I m a tank.

A very new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate of a military outpost. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car drove up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, Halt, who goes there?
The chauffeur, a corporal, said, General Wheeler.
I m sorry, I can t let you through. You ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.
The general said, Drive on.
The sentry said, Hold it. You really can t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.
The general repeated, I m telling you, son, drive on.
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, General, I m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?

A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand-new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. The colonel told him to come in. Then, feeling the urge to impress the young airman, the major picked up his phone and said: Yes, General, thank you. Yes, I will pass that along to the president this afternoon. Yes, goodbye, sir.
Then turning to airman he barked, And what do you want?
Nothing important, sir, said the airman. I just came to install your telephone.

Just before a farm boy had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, Count to ten then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up.
The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he careened crazily earthward, he said to himself, I ll bet that truck won t be there either!

One day a sergeant came into the barracks and asked his men if any of them knew shorthand. The recruits thought it would be easy duty and raised their hands.
Good, said the sergeant. They re shorthanded in the mess hall!

Bill: My wife just got a ticket for speeding.
Ray: That s nothing! My wife is so bad the police gave her a season ticket.

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile: I ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I m late for an appointment, and if I don t park here I ll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: I ve circled the block for 20 years, and if I don t give you a ticket, I ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.

The car stalled at a traffic light as the lights went from red, to green, to yellow, to red, to green, to yellow, to red. Finally a cop came up and asked, Pardon me, sir, but don t we have any color you like?

Hello, police department? I ve lost my cat and . . .
Sorry, sir, that s not a job for the police, we re too busy.
But you don t understand . . . this is a very intelligent cat. He s almost human. He can practically talk.
Well, you d better hang up, sir. He may be trying to phone you right now.

What am I supposed to do with t