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Miracle Publications - The Angels

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85 pages

English

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The Angels have been commanded to rewrite the story of the Creation, the Universe, and Everything. But how could humans - trapped as they are in their world of inconsequential and ephemeral trivia - be induced to engage with the story? The answer was bold, radical, and innovative: they would be invited to participate in the re-write. To turn this fantastic idea into reality, a Holy Helpdesk was set up to receive communications from any human, regardless of their historical or geographical location. The idea was simple, and perfectly attuned to a world now placing so much value on connecting, communicating, and sharing. What could possibly go wrong? An Angel, chosen to introduce the book, decides to establish some common ground by setting out the realities of the Universe in which humans exist. But as she proceeds, she begins to suspect that comprehending reality, for humans, might not be an option. The Angels on the Holy Helpdesk take up the narrative. They are ready and eager to engage humans in a dialogue. But they immediately find themselves under siege by the mockers, the cynics, the nutters, and the just plain barmy. There are questions about the Apocalypse, war, building your own Ark, bagpipes, over-population, sex, sin, credit cards, heaven, hell, floods, plagues, frogs, road humps, love, Morris dancing, snakes - and many other things besides. At first it seems that the task of rewriting the story of the Creation, the Universe, and Everything, will prove impossible. But the Angels doggedly hold their own, fending off the questioners like experienced batters fending off a succession of demon bowlers. This book will make you laugh, and make you think. It will take you to places you didn't expect to go, and in so doing, reveal that everything you thought you knew was an illusion.

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Humour

Informations

Publié par	Miracle Publications
Date de parution	05 décembre 2017
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9780995740921
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0400€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

The Second Coming Of The Bible From Hell
by
The Angels
First published in 2017 by:
Miracle Publications
12 Columbine Way, Lewisham, London, SE13 7LQ
www.TheHolyHelpDesk.com
ISBN 978-0-9957409-0-7 (Paperback)
ISBN 978-0-9957409-1-4 (eBook-Kindle)
ISBN 978-0-9957409-2-1 (eBook-ePub)
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
The right of Keith Woods, on behalf of the Angels, to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Acknowledgements
Photograph and illustration acknowledgements.
Chapter 1
https://www.flickr.com/photos/31floors/11663691094/
Chapter 2
https://www.flickr.com/photos/jimsurkamp/14273566539/
Chapter 3
https://www.flickr.com/photos/joshmadison/2707403340/in/photolist-58f9FW-pNeZao-a7CWAq-8hLJp2-4ngLHK-9V9KzU-dpaBoc-dpaE5z-dpaHC2-7BomEW-dvP3vz-7MAs28-dFrnLw-DheHt-nwg9kW-28Gwx8-7xurvG-7q1aNv-8zMztH-6GRKKo-ak32tK-bXggGm-8LFDjW-4FrftG-ak2Lge-8X7oDy-5hUwuJ-6AbhBY-dsgATf-gfPzL-dsgCsq-8X7ky5-aok1PP-dsgBRG-8X7viG-2GZnh-a9WrNa-Bx2YoX-7BwZuN-8WX2XD-8X7qME-ak5zQ7-oT1aL-gz7gRV-5g51ug-7Btb78-8rtv4u-9HostQ-ak5xh3-6GSQTG/
Chapter 4
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category/Apocalypse/
Chapter 5
https://www.flickr.com/photos/montrealprotest/20658020753/
Chapter 6
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Be%C5%82chat%C3%B3w_-_oficjalny_herb.svg
Chapter 7
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Isla_de_Pascua#/media/File:Standing_Moai_at_Ahu_Tongariki,_Easter_Island,_Pacific_Ocean.jpg
Chapter 8
https://www.flickr.com/photos/aerosolhalos/1456507086/
Chapter 9
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_old_Russian_Easter_Postcard.jpg
Chapter 10
https://www.flickr.com/photos/eldriva/9168481251/
Chapter 11
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:The_Devil#/media/File:Bodleian_Libraries,A_happy_dance_for_Europe.jpg
Chapter 12
https://www.flickr.com/photos/internetarchivebookimages/14783116195/
Chapter 13
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Felis_silvestris_catus#/media/File:Neighbours_Siamese.jpg
Chapter 14
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Songs_of_innocence_(1902)_(14767407432).jpg
Chapter 15
https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Search&profile=images&search=ANGEL+TEARS&fulltext=1&uselang=en-gb&searchToken=crbb8266wt4gfsz35w48xx26d#/media/File:Angel_with_broken_heart.jpg
Chapter 16
https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Search&limit=20&offset=240&profile=images/ob87q3zyf#/media/File:Phipps-Loomis_Angel,_Allegheny_Cemetery,
Chapter 17
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Apocalypse_11._Four_angels_let_loose._Revelation_cap_9_v_14._Mortier%27s_Bible._Phillip_Medhurst_Collection.jpg
Chapter 18
https://www.flickr.com/photos/e3000/2575738566/in/photolist-4VBkkC-gofyRf-bq1raA-7Ggzxm-dXpN3Q-EDCDi-EDC7q-2ThjAf-74LCi-nx1xux-dUK8Wb-42r8L-4dnPQ-7cjijC-7nszT1-5QQ5UE-P3jSM-6MNoKi-8qFmMU-7cji7d-iQzTQg-3ZbsDm-JZXPFt-8FpfxT-6PPDC4-agwjZ7-5cKSry-r42rpj-9c3HeQ-7cfs72-ipYpe-7cfshD-JFN1V-7cfsFt-7cfsut-7cjivs-kefb7-kefbc-kejCV-afiD1U-kejCZ-fswkt-kejCY-dAsrK9-eodi8w-kem97-4wgu2d-9gMo9a-q9dJsD-ej5cif/
Chapter 19
https://www.flickr.com/photos/gabbysol/26521649296/https://www.flickr.com/photos/angstdei/855912955/
The Holy Help Desk is now closed
https://www.flickr.com/photos/maveric2003/12066736/
About this Book
The Angels have been commanded to rewrite the story of the creation of the Universe and Everything. But how could humans be induced to engage with the story?
The solution was bold, innovative, and radical. Invite them to participate.
To turn this fantastic idea into reality, a Holy Help Desk was set up to receive communications from any human, regardless of their historical or geographical location.
But the plan does not go as well as hoped.
The Angels immediately find themselves dueling with mockers, cynics, nutters, and the just plain barmy.
There are questions about the Apocalypse, building your own Ark, bagpipes, over-population, sex, sin, credit cards, heaven, hell, floods, plagues, frogs, road humps, and many other things besides. But the Angels doggedly hold their own, fending off the questions like experienced batsmen fending off a succession of demon bowlers.
Their patience, determination, and professionalism, are rewarded, and, despite the odds, The Second Coming Of The Bible From Hell was completed.
And you became one of the characters in it.
About the Authors
Angels have been around for a long time.
They have been to many places and done many things.
Their chief occupation is assisting in the administration of the Universe and Everything.
The Angels would like to thank the many humans who have already contributed to this Bible, and those who are about to do so, but it should be noted that some names have been changed to avoid causing embarrassment or distress.
A very special thank you must go to The Great Fairy, without whom this book could not possibly have been written.
If you would like to participate
just ask an Angel
at TheHolyHelpDesk.com
or tweet
@TheHolyHelpDesk
Content
Chapter One : Introduction
Chapter Two : The Beginning Of Everything
Chapter Three : The Flood
Chapter Four : Dispute Resolution : The Apocalypse
Chapter Five : Begatting and Mother Nature
Chapter Six : Sex and the Apple
Chapter Seven : Mystery
Chapter Eight : Guilt
Chapter Nine : False Prophets and Easter Eggs
Chapter Ten : Blind Faith and Angel Cake
Chapter Eleven : The Devil and Morris Dancing
Chapter Twelve : Frogs, Superstition and Prayer
Chapter Thirteen : Free Will and Cats
Chapter Fourteen : Tears and Miracles
Chapter Fifteen : The Seven Serious Sins
Chapter Sixteen : Judgement Day
Chapter Seventeen : Heaven
Chapter Eighteen : Blessed Are The Meek
Chapter Nineteen : Love and Poetry
The Holy Help Desk is now closed
Chapter One : Introduction
I am an Angel. I have been chosen to introduce The Second Coming Of The Bible From Hell . You may find the title rather alarming, but I didn t choose it. And you may find the notion of Angels rather disconcerting, but I didn t choose to be an Angel. Nor did I choose to allow humans to participate in the re-writing of this Bible, for such decisions are not mine to make, nor to comment upon.
No doubt you might like to know my name, but Angels do not have names in the form that humans would recognize. Although Angels are similar to humans in that we are all distinct and separate, we are not known to each other by a name, but rather by an intuitive feeling of understanding.
My task is to explain the beginning of Everything. I have no particular qualification for this task. It has occurred to me that this might be why I have been chosen.
Before I begin, can I ask you to cast from your mind as much of the petty and irritating minutiae of human existence as you can. By that I do not mean to imply any criticism of humans, because for them, the petty and irritating minutiae of existence are unavoidable. Rather, I seek to warn you that I am about to relate great and mysterious events set in an arena so vast that you may be tempted to react with amazement or bewilderment, or even disbelief. I have to turn what might seem a cosmic fantasy of unbelievable proportions into a reality that will be understandable to the human mind.
I am aware that some of the things I must relate might fall into the abyss that I can only describe as concepts beyond the human imagination . I ask you to be sympathetic to the difficulties I face. Suppose that you, for instance, had to describe a Mozart symphony to a jellyfish. Where would you begin? What language would you use?
By comparing humans to jelly fish, it might seem that I am being facetious. Nothing could be further from the truth. I acknowledge absolutely that humans have shown themselves to be capable of extraordinary achievements. But I am duty bound to be truthful, and it would be less than truthful if I did not mention that these achievements, when compared to the Universe and Everything, are no more remarkable than a grain of sand in a desert. Although it is true that the advent of humanity has been memorable for all those involved, it is also true that everything humans have ever known or dreamed of will soon be without time, place, or name.
I do understand that a behavioural manifestation peculiar to humans, known as ego , might make it difficult for you to accept what I have just said. I mean no disrespect, but it must be acknowledged that the human mind, although capable of great things, is fragile, and rarely responds intellectually to thoughts that it deems unwelcome, or that do not conform to whatever view of the world it has adopted. It has to be said that humans, without exception, form their view of the world not just without knowledge or understanding, but before they are ever in a position to acquire any.
If you are shocked by what I have just said, and wish to protest at what to you may seem a ridiculous statement, I ask only that you hold your scorn in check for the moment. Please allow me to explain.
The problem is, I am not sure where to begin.
Let me start with something familiar to all humans - the night sky. You will, I am sure, be aware that humans perceive it to be still and unchanging. They gaze up at it with awe and longing. They call it serene , and attach to it many and various romantic notions. However, the Universe is definitely not still, definitely not serene, and definitely not romantic. The tiny dots of light called stars are all monstrously raging exploding fi