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90 pages

English

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It's 2006 and George Bush is about to come to India on state visit. As part of his tour, armed with the knowledge that 70 per cent of India is below thirty, he asks to meet one young Indian achiever who represents the new face of the nation. The US consulate shortlists India Today's six 'top Indian achievers under thirty. They are a stockbroking genius, unfortunately named Kapil Dev, a possibly lesbian novelist, the CEO of a lipstick company, a not-for-profit activist with sexist views, a call center owner who once lived in America, and a Microsoft programmer who likes the ladies. The winner will be selected through a round of tests, each more absurd than the other. The next day, the President will shake their hand among a long line of waiting Indian luminaries. And all six candidates are desperate to win-some are even prepared to sell their soul for it. Who will come out first? Smart, slick, and sarcastic, The President is Coming is a searing comedy that captures the pulse of the nation like no other book has.

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Lifestyle

Humour

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Publié par	Random House Publishers India Pvt. Ltd.
Date de parution	02 décembre 2011
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9788184002645
Langue	English

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THE PRESIDENT IS COMING
THE PRESIDENT IS COMING
ANUVAB PAL

RANDOM HOUSE INDIA
Published by Random House India in 2011
Copyright Anuvab Pal 2009
Random House Publishers India Private Limited
Windsor IT Park, 7th Floor, Tower-B,
A-1, Sector-125, Noida-201301, U.P.
Random House Group Limited
20 Vauxhall Bridge Road
London SW1V 2SA
United Kingdom
This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author s and publisher s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.
EPUB ISBN 9788184002645
Namaste
The first word spoken by President George W Bush after getting off Air Force One and touching Indian soil. November 2006.
PRESIDENT BUSH TO VISIT INDIA
By Cecilia Natarajan, CNN (The White House)
14 May 2006
Jacqueline Strobman, Assistant Spokesperson for the White House, announced today that President George W Bush would visit India in the first visit of a US Head of State to that nation since Gerald Ford, clearly indicating a thawing of diplomatic relations between New Delhi and Washington. She also noted that visits by President Bill Clinton prior could not be taken seriously because they were not state visits but ones where he promoted The Clinton Foundation, leveraging his celebrity status and dancing with village women wearing ethnic head-gear . Also, insiders say, Mr Clinton s dancing with women of any nationality is more an indication of a known character weakness and less an indication that the US is fond of that nation. This trip will follow all State Dept norms and is official, a clear sign of the rise of India as an important global power. The phenomenal growth of India and China has caught the attention of the world for the last couple of years and Bush s visit just highlights the increasingly influential position India will come to occupy in the coming years, in key decisions relating to US foreign and economic policy.
The President also shares an especially fond relationship with India s current Prime Minister, economist and financial thinker Dr Manmohan Singh, architect of the policies that gave birth to the new India, who has gone on record as saying, I love you .
In a rare departure from diplomatic norms, and noting that 70 percent of India s billion plus population was under 30 years of age, the spokesperson noted that President Bush wished to shake hands with one young Indian person who represented all the values of new India which according to the White House were English-speaking, ambitious, determined, understanding of core native customs, America friendly and enjoys capitalism .
Ms Strobman finished the news conference by saying The President wants a young Indian to which the reporter from the Sydney Morning Herald asked, How young? to which Ms Strobman replied, It s not like that.
Email from Programming Head to Executive Producer,
MDTV
12 June
Subj: Fucking hilarious ya
You should ve seen the panelists on tonight s India Fights. Bush is coming so some shit about that. Charkha asked, What does India think of George W Bush? and Alex Kadamsee said, It s rubbish, totally rubbish and then What s the question? Why is he on every panel about everything? Does he live at our studio? Then Rahul Ghose. Jesus man, that guy, he said 5 million people should go to Maurya Sheraton and throw stuff at Bush because he was an international terrorist like Osama but because he wears a suit we can t guess . Charkha asked, What stuff? And he said, You know peaceful things, so he learns to love. I used to just think his acting was terrible but now that I m seeing the person, he s even worse. And then Mahesh Hut, that director (Why is he a panelist? His only qualification is ripping off Julia Roberts movies and remaking them), started shouting Lies, lies! at everyone, no one quite understood why. Then Kadamsee started shouting back saying, I can t hear anything. One audience member got up, about to hit Ghose saying his last movie gave the man a kidney stone and Ghose ran out of the studio saying this was no way to treat an international sportsperson (apparently, he was once in the Indian Judo team at the SAARC games in Dhaka). It was quite something.
PS: Husband still in Dubai? Can I come over tonight? I can bring a falafel.
Letter from Reverend Michael Frayn, US Consul General
(Mumbai)
23 October
Dear Susan,
What can I say? It wasn t what it looked like, ok? I was stressed. On Monday, the damn President called and he asked me to find him a young Indian for his November visit. He said he wants to go bird shooting on a ranch and see if the future of India is all that , but I explained that they didn t have ranches over here and firearms were illegal. And even if I found a ranch, his schedule is tight with one more day in Islamabad. He wants to play polo with Musharraf. So the handshake would have to be squeezed in right before he has breakfast at the Consulate with the industry leaders and me. I asked my staff but you know what they think of W. So most smirked and murmured something vaguely cynical. I know they ll avoid it till the end so I went looking myself.
The Simbanis you know, the oil people, vegetarians in Colaba (not the ones near Hotel President you don t like, these are the others near Makers Tower) with the wife who mentions Prada in every unrelated sentence. I knew he had a son. When I told him about the visit, he brought me a two-year-old saying, This is my son. Take him. He is a young Indian. I was pretty desperate so I stuck my hand out just to try my luck. The kid stared back. Then at the Breach Candy Club, some Parsi woman knew who I was, so came up and gave me a photo of her shaking hands with Saddam Hussein. Brilliant. So that s what led me to Indigo for a drink in the middle of the day when that model (I don t even know the shampoo ad everyone s talking about) suddenly sat on my lap and said, Why doesn t the President meet me? I have hands. And legs. Great legs. She did, but that s beside, the point (not as good as yours though, certainly not as well waxed), but anyway, that s when you walked in. We weren t together (before she perched on my lap, I mean). That s all that happened, I promise. Come back. So what if he has a private plane and a penthouse in Antwerp? It s all rented. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living in Surat with a man named Kalpesh?
So anyway, all those plans failed and I had to come up with a new one. I decided to send Rohit (he s one of my new people) around the country to find the right Indian. Frankly, he s an idiot so I hardly expected much with that approach, but I did feel there must be so many bright kids here. The other day at the club I met one who had just returned from Yale. He beat me at squash and installed iTunes on my laptop. Now someone like him would be great but he s going kayaking in Seychelles in November. Someone mentioned that these reality TV show things are very popular here, apparently they have American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance, and all that but in Hindi. Plus I feel we need to connect to all of India and the club I don t think will give us a complete cross-section. That s where Rohit s road trips through Indian cities would help. Need him to give his encounters with Indians a reality TV feel, and whip up the competition to meet the President. Have mixed feelings about his initial reports, though. He called me the other day to let me know how things were going-he d started with some celeb friends and apparently that Arora model (you know, from that hair removal ad) said, I think it s very good for us as Indians and for them, as Americans and for both of us as Indian-Americans, you know, as one, you know because, one love. What a fool! I believe his meeting with the cricket commentator Savroj Singh Bidhu was nipped in the bud, when Bidhu said, I m going to buy paneer, not now. In front of Xavier s College, these two jokers said, We don t want him to come because of who he is. Who is he? Coming like that and all. He assured me though that in general there s a lot of interest in competing for the handshake, and people seem to be falling over themselves trying to get chosen. He asked me casually if PR agencies didn t help out with this sort of thing.
I ve got to say he s right. I figured the main thing is I need a PR agency to coordinate all this. Someone who understands us. By which I mean speaks English. I ve interviewed a couple of PR agencies who have all suggested a nationwide manhunt (I don t know what that means). Another firm said they would find me six young Indians who are a crack team of multi-specialists . I think they mean smart people. I have to find a PR company soon. By the way, India Today got wind of our hunt for the right Indian, and asked us to release the details of about six shortlisted candidates to them, before we make our final selection. Said that a national media group s involvement would guarantee credibility and transparency. I m not sure, but it can t hurt. We ll let them know who our final contestants are.
So you see, there s a lot of exciting stuff happening. Come back. I don t want to be all alone in a tropical country.
Yours,
Michael
Samantha Patel, CEO, Zenith Public Relations (Mumbai)
27 October
Last evening I went to the annual American Consulate party. This year, it was on a cruise. More specifically, a booze cruise because there was alcohol. You get to attend by select invitation only, so naturally I was invited. Of course, my assistant Ritu was there too-not through any particular talent of her own, but because her husband John Johnson is one of abo