Overqualifieder , livre ebook

Ecw Press - Joey Comeau

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42 pages

English

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Everyone who has ever sent a job application letter has felt the urge, the temptation to say what they really think. To say something completely insane. With 2009's Overqualified (ECW, also available), Comeau acted on those urges and delivered a book collecting his cover letters. But even after the dozens of insane, hilarious and sometimes strangely sad job application letters, he still didn't get the job. So he's at it again. But he's had to step things up. Were the letters not insane enough? There's only one way to find out: Overqualifielder.

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Humour

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Publié par	Ecw Press
Date de parution	30 novembre 2015
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781770908192
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0350€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

Overqualifieder.
Joey Comeau
ECW Press

For Adrian.

Dear Reader,
Thank you for taking the time to read this, my second collection of cover letters. But before you start, I wanted to make something clear. This is a different book from the first. This volume is a collection of more funny letters, and not an experimental novel in the way the first sometimes was. There is no hidden narrative in these pages. No story of a doomed romance, no struggles with the death of a loved one. Though every letter is signed with my name, you’ll find a different sort of crazy person at the heart of each.
Also worth noting: every one of these letters was actually sent to a company, and not one of them ever replied. It breaks my heart.
I hope you like the book.
Joey Comeau

Dear Disney,
I am writing to apply for a position as anything with your company. I don’t care if you have me parking cars. Yesterday was my three-month anniversary of looking for work, and my dad says that I can’t find a job because I’m not a gay, crippled immigrant, so you can understand why it’d be nice to move out.
Joey Comeau

Dear Radiotech,
Thank you for taking the time to consider me for the position of Radiographer with your company. The first time I ever saw an X-ray machine, I was coming through airport security, with my dad. I must have been eight years old at the time, and the customs official put my teddy bear through the machine just like my mom said he would.
He took my whole family into this little room, and I was terrified. But my dad wasn’t. My dad kept smiling the whole time, and his voice was real quiet. He stood between the security guard and us, and he said, “We can do this the easy way or the hard way,” and the official laughed nervously and patted the gun on his hip.
“Oh yeah?” he said, and my dad just nodded, real slow.
“The easy way,” my dad said, “is I knife you.”
Later on, when I was in my first year of university, I lived with a friend named Alex. When I found myself once again covering Alex’s rent money, my mom told me, “Never lend money to a friend, because you lose both the money and the friend.” My father told her to mind her own business. He said, “Let him make his own mistakes, Karen.”
After three months of covering his rent, I was out of money and desperate. Week after week, Alex kept telling me that he’d pay me when he had “the money to spare,” and I didn’t know what to do. So I called my father, and he told me exactly what had to be done. Step by step. His voice was quiet and calm.
I woke up early the next morning and went into Alex’s room, where he was sleeping. I carefully set a phonebook, open halfway, on his stomach and then I took a hammer to him.
Waiting for the taxi to take us to the hospital, I told him, “We can do this the easy way or the hard way,” and Alex just stared at me, clutching his stomach, tears on his face. “The easy way,” I told him, “is I knife you. The hard way is you start giving me straight answers about my money, and we can work on rebuilding the trust that is essential to our friendship.”
At the hospital, I watched as the technicians X-rayed him, looking for internal damage. I thought, “This is a cushy job. All you have to do is push a button and keep your goddamned mouth shut.”
I decided that I wanted to be a Radiographer.
Joey Comeau

Dear NSCC,
I am sending you my resume in the hopes that you will hire me for the position of Research Assistant with the Nova Scotia Community College. I have extensive experience working with GIS software, and I would like to take a minute to better outline my qualifications.
Last night, I was in bed with a boy (whose name escapes me just now), and afterward he said, “When did you know you were gay? Thirteen? Fourteen?”
I smiled as wide as I could, and I told him, “Oh, I wasn’t gay when I was a kid.”
“Oh no?” he said, with that knowing grin. He ran his fingers over the tattoo that runs across my torso, “GEOGRAPHIC INFORMATION SYSTEMS 4 LIFE.”
“Nope,” I said. “I turned gay when I was twenty-one years old, on February 15th.” I gave him a playful kiss on the cheek. “It was cold and grey, and I was on my way home from the movies. I had just gone to see a showing of Fight Club , and I remember thinking that there had been too many shirtless men. A car came out of nowhere, and I didn’t have time to jump out of the way. Later, the doctors said that it was unlikely the accident had caused my homosexuality. But I knew better.”
“What?” he said.
“I was hit by a car,” I told him. “And now I’m gay.”
Sorry for the trip down memory lane, NSCC, I know it’s not standard for a cover letter, but I think it is important to explain myself. You see, it’s like that with GIS, too. A second, similar accident happened to me about two years ago: a bus stopped too quickly, causing me to lose my balance and hit my head, leaving me with the desire to devote my life to geographic information programming.
I’ve done nothing but study GIS and sleep with men since the accidents. I’ve never been one to question the hand I’m dealt.
I look forward to hearing from you about this position.
Joey Comeau

Dear Northwood Care,
I am writing to apply for the position of Marketing Director at Northwood Care. You want someone who can meet your subscriber and revenue growth needs. I believe I could help you surpass them. I’m including my resume, which details the extensive experience I have working in marketing, as well as my experience with the elderly and the physically challenged.
But allow me to propose something. Your company cares for the elderly and the infirm. In order to understand how you can increase the number of your subscribers, I think it is valuable to examine the reasons that people choose to place themselves or their loved ones in your care.
When people are no longer able to take care of themselves, or when their loved ones are no longer able to take care of them, it is sometimes best for them to seek professional care. But what if there were other pressures that led people to seek your services? What if you yourself were to introduce new market pressures, creating need where before there had been none?
Imagine, if you will, an elderly woman with an adequate retirement fund. This woman has no family, but she takes good care of herself and is in good health; she has no need for your services. Your old marketing strategists would have looked on her as being outside of your potential subscriber base, and that is a mistake.
What if that woman were to fall out of the back of a speeding car and break her hip irrevocably? If this woman lived in your small town, she would have several options for care. She may choose you, she may not. It’s a free country. But what if someone had whispered a suggestion to her before she accidentally fell from that car? What if she felt she would be somehow safer at your home for the infirm and the physically challenged? Somehow less likely to find herself physically challenged again?
I hope that you will contact me about this position. I feel that we could make great things happen together, and we could help a large number of people find the care and, more importantly, the security they need.
Yours,
Joey Comeau

Dear Frito-Lay potato chip company,
I don’t know if an email cover letter can properly express the admiration I feel for men and women who have become rich off potato chips. Thank you. Seriously, THANK YOU, for taking the time to review my resume. I realize that the last time I applied for a job with your company, I accidentally included an instant messenger transcript that reflected poorly on my character, but I have fixed the copy-and-paste bug that led to that particular CHRIS SAYS: also, i thought that a great new trend to start would be to yell something insane every time i orgasm with a girl.....like, “HERE COMES THE CRAZY JUICE.” Wait. I told you that one, didn’t I?
JOEY SAYS: You did. I mentioned it in bed this evening, actually.
CHRIS SAYS: What about the one where I yell “I HATE MY DAD” when I come.
JOEY SAYS: I love you, man.
Which is exactly the sort of experience and underlying motivation that makes for a valuable employee, I think you’ll agree. CHRIS SAYS: or you could just yell “GIVE IT BACK. GIVE IT BACK.”
JOEY SAYS: haha. Or “CAN YOU HEAR THAT MUSIC? IS THAT YOUR BEEF PEACH SINGING TO ME?” copy-and-paste problems are JOEY SAYS: or “MY COLONISTS! MY COLONISTS ARE COLONIZING YOUR BEEF PEACH!” Technical know-how and potato chip enthusiasm. And that said, I look forward to hearing from you regarding this position.
Yours,
JOEY SAYS: “BEEEEEEEF PEACH” Comeau

Dear Alpin,
I am writing to apply for a position as Inside Account Executive, though perhaps I should wait until I’m less upset to send this email. I’m not a “racist.” I respect people of all races equally, or I’m trying to. It takes time to check and make sure.
You can’t just say “every race is equal” without doing any research. That’s not SCIENTIFIC. What if the Chinese really were all monsters? Just because something isn’t polite to say, that doesn’t make it automatically false. Don’t get me wrong, I had a Chinese girlfriend last year, so this is obviously just an example. I’m certain now that they’re perfectly nice people.
The Arabs, too. After I went out on a few dates with the TA from my Semitic Languages seminar while at university, I no longer doubted that Arabs were indeed an equal people. In fact, if I had to compare, I would say that she was a little more equal than some of the white girls I’ve dated. She had a sense of adventure, anyway.
You can see why I’m so upset over this. I am many things — efficient, energetic, charismatic — all of which would make me an asset to your company. I would excel as a