Most Unreliable Bible Dictionary, Ever! , livre ebook

Lion Hudson - Nigel Bayley

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80 pages

English

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The Bible is full of words which don't really work hard enough. Nigel Bayley has provided outrageous but hilarious definitions, describing situations that were just waiting to be brought into the light. Such as, Junia (n.) The intelligent young volunteer who is inadvertently outwitting you and thereby gently ruining your poorly thought out children's talk. Hittite (n.) One towards whom your immediate and overwhelming pastoral instinct is to punch them really hard in the face. Shamsherai (n.) The vocal mayhem caused by songwriters who think it would be pleasing and authentic to have a line in Hebrew. The finest antidote to boring sermons and the best possible reading for the smallest room. This book will make a splendid gift for the less reverent members of the congregation.

Sujets

Humour

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Publié par	Lion Hudson
Date de parution	29 août 2013
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9780857215093
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0300€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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Words You Never Knew You Needed
Nigel Bayley

Text copyright © 2013 Nigel Bayley

This edition copyright © 2013 Lion Hudson

The right of Nigel Bayley to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published by Monarch Books an imprint of
Lion Hudson plc
Wilkinson House, Jordan Hill Road, Oxford OX2 8DR, England Email: monarch@lionhudson.com www.lionhudson.com/monarch

ISBN 978 0 85721 508 6 e-ISBN 978 0 85721 509 3

First edition 2013

Illustrations by Bridget Gillespie

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

Cover image: Ocean/Corbis

“I get asked to review a lot of humour books these days, and I’m usually left embarrassed trying to find something positive to say. This is not the case with this book. It’s brilliant. The effort and wit that Nigel has put into it are evident from the first page, and you’re never far away from a nice chuckle. I’m not usually a Harhur, but I thoroughly commend and recommend this excellent book.”
– Andy Kind, comedy writer

“If you’ve ever wondered whether it is possible to make the Bible mean what it never meant… wonder no more! But if you invest some ‘Minniths’, you’ll discover things about ‘Heman’ that may have more to do with ‘Caesar’ than your getting the ‘Gaash’ treatment (now you’ll need to buy the book!).
“And if you die laughing, they’ll give you your money back (upon personal application!)”
– Steve Brady, Principal, Moorlands College

“Nigel Bayley makes me laugh and if you read this book you’ll see why.
“When we laugh our defences come down and we can learn… which may make this a learning book as well as a laughing one.”
– Ian Coffey, author and speaker

“This book is wonderfully irreverent, uncomfortably hilarious and joyfully provocative. Read it. Laugh out loud. And think before you speak from now on…”
– Matt Summerfield, Executive Director, Urban Saints

Elaine, who God has rather wonderfully allowed me to share life with. Thanks for everything you are and everything you do. You’re the only one for me.
Hannah and Josh, for putting up with my terrible jokes and sometimes even laughing. You’re both brill and I’m very proud to be your Dad.
All those at Lymington Baptist Church, who still seem to like me after nearly nine years. Oh, and any resemblance any of you might have to people in this book is entirely coincidental.
My Mum, who bore me (apparently) and whose support is unfailing.
To Gary, John, and Ben, for saying the stuff that I don’t want to hear but desperately need to. And for being the best friends I’ve ever had.

Thanks also to all of those who have helped me bring this book to life:
John Arthur, for helping me see the vision of this book more clearly while letting it remain wholly mine. And for writing some of the more unruly definitions that reside within it, including that one which doesn’t. Sorry, I just couldn’t.
Andy Kind, a proper comedian and author who became a friend, who really believed in me despite plenty of evidence to the contrary, and then helped me to find some more people who did too.
Dave Gooderidge, a good boss and a better friend, for being my primary source of feedback, often whether I like it or not, but in this case in generous response to my request. And for Barabbas.
Michael Walsh, for reading through and correcting mistakes while serving up the usual side dish of encouragement.

And special thanks to those at Lion Hudson:
Tony Collins, for giving this chancer a chance.
Jenny Ward, Miranda Lever, and everyone else who has worked hard to make me look good.
And believe me, that is hard work – just ask Elaine.

But most of all, to him who is able to keep me from stumbling and to present me before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy – to the only God our Saviour be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and for evermore! So be it.

So there was this dictionary in the 1980s called The Meaning of Liff .
Liff (n.) A common object or experience
for which no word yet exists.

Douglas Adams and John Lloyd used place names as words for these liffs and it was splendidly funny.
And I loved it.
And then one day, many years later, it suddenly dawned on me that someone should write a Christian dictionary along the same lines.
Because, having had a lifetime of adventures in churches, I was acutely aware that in church life there are countless objects and experiences that we know only too well, but for which no words yet exist.
And that there are countless wonderful words in the Bible, magnificent names of places and people, that need a fresh opportunity to be enjoyed by all.
And then later that same day, it suddenly dawned on me that I have had a lifetime of adventures in churches and that the someone should probably be me.
So here it is.
And why, exactly?
Good question.
I love the church. It’s not yet all it could be. But I love it.
I really liked The Sacred Diary of Adrian Plass , because there were absurdities in churches that I didn’t think anyone was allowed to talk about. And then he did. And although I wasn’t quite sure if that was OK, I was absolutely certain that it was hilarious.
And I don’t think we laugh enough – especially not at ourselves.
And sometimes when we laugh at ourselves, we see the absurdities in us.
And I think that’s a good thing.
Maybe you don’t.
If you don’t, you should probably put this book down, glance around to check that no one saw you looking at it, and quickly pick up a proper Christian book. There are loads of brilliant ones.
Otherwise, I think you’re probably ready to laugh.
If so, this book is for you. I hope you enjoy it.

Nigel Bayley
@babydrums

If you have any unreliable comments, or wish to send in your own unreliable definitions, please use any of the following: @mostunreliable www.facebook.com/mostunreliable mostunreliable@gmail.com

Note: Terms in italics are given their definitions elsewhere in this dictionary.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Praise
Acknowledgments
Introduction

A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
Z

Bible References

Abaddon (adj.)
Descriptive of the new minister as they begin to try to make changes.
Abdi (v.)
To neatly sidestep responsibility for your repeated sinful behaviour by announcing: “That’s just the way I am.”
Abel (n.)
One who has the opportunity to pray for someone to be healed but decides not to do so in case it doesn’t work and they make God look bad.
Abel Maim (n.)
An abel whose prayers not asking for healing are entirely effective.
Abishag (n.)
The despairing look that quickly follows on from a terah when the only response that eventually comes is the sound of two bezers arguing about what the nice man at the front is asking.
Achaicus (n.)
One who believeth that none but the Authorised Version is given by inspiration of God.
Achish (n.)
The sneeze of a baby during a critical point of ministry that makes everyone go “aww” and rather spoils the moment.
Addon (n.)
The thirty- minnith period following the obvious closing point of the sermon, during which the preacher, for some reason known only to themselves, is still preaching.
Adin (n.)
That which the youth band makes.
Adoraim (n.)
One who cleverly uses the phrase “in love” as permission to unleash a tirade of abuse at someone.
Agag (n.)
An unintentional pun made by the preacher, which gets considerably more laughs than their carefully prepared jokes, and as a result has just managed to hijack the most profound part of the message.
Agrippa (n.)
A look of calm serenity on the face of the minister, despite the utter mayhem going on all around. This is what a minister needs to quickly find after a kadesh barnea and is why you will sometimes hear people saying, “He needs to get agrippa himself ”.
Ahikam (n.)
A filming device positioned in the balcony for the purpose of recording a christening or baptism.
Ahira (n.)
An elderly individual who loves nothing more than hearing the young people getting involved in church, but just wonders if they could be turned down a little.
Ahuzzath (n.)
That moment, a short while after the uzzah , at which the undignified dancing breaks out and the sadducees leave.
Ai (n.)
The involuntary outburst of a colossae who has been tishbiting and finally gets to the table, only to discover that all the food has gone except for seven cherry tomatoes, a handful of peanuts, a small slice of soggy vegetarian quiche, and a mountain of lettuce.
Aiah (n.)
A greeting you hear every few seconds if you employ a teenager as a welcomer.
Akbor (n.)
The moment during a sermon when your head suddenly lolls forward and you realize that today’s message is not quite as impactful as you had hoped it would be. This is particularly embarrassing if you are the preacher.
Akbor

Amaziah (n.)
One who complains about the worship in a way that makes it appear they believe that it was meant to be for their benefit.
Amok (n.)
A lively young child who always volunteers during a children’s talk but is never chosen by anyone who knows them. As a visiting preacher, you know you have found an amok when you hear the communal intake of breath from the congregation.
Amorite (n.)
An alternative answer to “fine” for non- sharezers .
Anem (n.)
That which a beeri calls out rather too loudly at the end of the minister’s opening prayer.
Ararat (n.)
That which a dishan shouts upon spotting a rodent in the kitchen.