Medical Jokes & Humour , livre ebook

V & S Publishers - Clifford Sawhney

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105 pages

English

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While many Indian joke books are jokes themselves, this book avoids the pitfalls by its professional approach towards compilation, rewriting and editing. The book comprises the world's best adult medical jokes, quips, quotes and humour. Bold and bawdy lines that don't make it between the covers of joke books in India make an appearance here. Unlike many joke books that are a start-to-finish affair without categorisation, this book is divided into 21 chapters that facilitate easy reading. The chapters include: Nurses, Surgeons, Gynaecologists, Sex Therapists, Viagra, AIDS, Veterinarians, Optometrists, Limericks, Wisecracks and a Medical Glossary, amongst others. This book is not meant for those whose sensibilities are easily hurt or people with an ill-developed sense of humour. But for those who love non-vegetarian fare of medical humour, this book is just what the doctor prescribed!

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Publié par	V & S Publishers
Date de parution	01 avril 2012
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9789381384862
Langue	English
Poids de l'ouvrage	2 Mo

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0500€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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F-2/16, Ansari road, Daryaganj, New Delhi-110002 23240026, 23240027 • Fax: 011-23240028 Email: info@vspublishers.com
Branch : Hyderabad
5-1-707/1, Brij Bhawan (Beside Central Bank of India Lane) Bank Street, Koti Hyderabad - 500 095 040-24737290 E-mail: vspublishershyd@gmail.com

© Copyright: Dr Dayal Mirchandani ISBN: 978-93-81384-86-2 Edition: April 2011
The Copyright of this book, as well as all matter contained herein (including illustrations) rests with the Publishers. No person shall copy the name of the book, its title design, matter and illustrations in any form and in any language, totally or partially or in any distorted form. Anybody doing so shall face legal action and will be responsible for damages.
DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to my eclectic and ecumenical upbringing, which taught me that the only thing that counts at the end of day is a good laugh and the Truth.
Preface
Me dical Jokes & Humour focuses on the non-vegetarian variety, since this is precisely what most adults want, although they may say just the opposite in polite company! If the bold and the bawdy offends you easily, we suggest you drop this book like a hot potato.
Having said that, we realise that despite any moral predisposition, you will be all the more tempted to read this! Please do so without reservations – the ensuing bouts of laughter will wash out all trace of toxic characteristics (such as hypocrisy, double standards and negativity) from the body. Besides, to tell the truth, the purpose of warning prudes to drop the book is to ensure they do otherwise!
With this statutory warning having been served to readers, those who proceed across these delectable pages would not mind some risque comments and barbs. And for those who still do mind, never mind!
—Clifford Sawhney
Acknowledgements
T his book has been compiled from various sources, including individual raconteurs, with the actual creators of the jokes largely faceless and unknown, some having long since left for the happy hunting grounds. To one and all of these masters of humour, my sincere thanks.
Contents
1. Nurses For Courses
2. General Practitioner’s Blues
3. The Patient Syndrome
4. Chemists: Over-the-counter Fun
5. Dental Drills
6. Multiple Practitioners’ Shenanigans
7. The Surgeon’s Special
8. Psychiatric Feedback
9. Gynaecological Openings
10. Obstetrician’s Day
11. Sex Therapists’ Tricks
12. Viagra Tales
13. AIDS
14. Vet Antics
15. Optical Illusions
16. Doctors’ Mixed Bag
17. Merry Old Men
18. Medical Limericks
19. The World of Assorted Medical Cracks
20. Short Medical Insights
21. The Ultimate Medical Glossary
Nurses For Courses
The Tight Experience
An old man in a nursing home is hornier than Chunky Pandey ever was. So when he sees this nurse who is well endowed on all fronts, he coos, “How about a quickie for twenty bucks?”
The nurse too is as randy as hell and will have anything on two feet or four. She agrees and gets on top of the old man. They have a ball for about ten minutes.
After the act, having enjoyed the ‘tight’ experience, the old man says, “What the heck, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks.”
The nurse smiles sweetly and replies, “And if I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my panties!”

The Hole Joke
There was this arrogant jerk of a doctor who had four nurses working under him. So on April 1, 2002, each of the nurses played a practical prank on him. Later that night, during their break, they were all discussing the fast one each had pulled on the doctor.
The first nurse said, “I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn’t hear.”
The second nurse said, “I let the mercury out of his thermometer and painted them all to read 106 degrees.”
The third nurse said, “Well, I did better than the two of you. I poked holes in all the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.”
Hearing this, the fourth nurse fainted.

Back-to-Front Operations
Two doctors in practice in a small-town clinic had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the Zee online lottery and quit. They interviewed Nurse Shilpa and decided to hire her. She had only worked a couple of days when one doctor called the other to his office and said they would have to terminate Nurse Shilpa’s services.
“Why, we just hired her?”
“Well, I think she is dyslexic and gets things backward. I told her to give Mr Dandekar two shots of morphine every 24 hours, but she gave him 24 shots in two hours and it almost killed him. I told her to give Mrs Holkar an enema every 12 hours and she gave her 12 in one hour.”
The doctor had barely finished outlining his reasons when the other doctor rushed out of the room. “Where are you going in such a tearing hurry?” the doctor inquired.
“To see Nurse Shilpa – I had just instructed her to prick Mr Muthu’s boil!”

Carnal Shot
A big-shot businessman has to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He is a royal pain in the you-know-where to the nurses because he throws his weight around with them just like with his employees.
Within hours, the hospital staff wants to be miles away from him. The head nurse is the only one who can stand up to the jerk. Coming into his room, she announces, “I have to take your temperature.”
He cribs for several minutes, but finally settles down, crosses his arms and opens his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry,” the nurse states, deadpan, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.”
This sparks another round of complaining, but eventually he rolls over and bares his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he hears her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room. “What’s going on here?” demands the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pregnant pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway!”

Nursery Lines
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift!

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, “Aaaaaahhh!!!”

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
General Practitioner’s Blues
Utterly Depressing
A depressed man goes to the doctor. “Doctorsaab,” he says, “I’m terribly depressed. Life seems harsh and cruel. There is no laughter in my life. I feel I’m totally alone in this big bad world, trying to keep the show going.”
The doctor is busy reading his notes and does not bother to look up, but responds: “No probs. The treatment is very simple. You need a change of scene. Something light and hilarious … The great comedian Johnny Lever is going to be in town for one week tomorrow onwards. Go and see one of his shows. That should have you dying with laughter.”
On hearing this piece of advice, the man bursts into uncontrollable sobs just as the doctor looks up: “But doctor … I am Johnny Lever!”

Daily Change
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests show nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
“Every Monday to Saturday,” she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. “I can’t,” says the woman. “That’s the only night I’m at home with my husband.”

The Busy Doc
A young doctor was just setting up his first clinic when his secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor wanted to make a good first impression by having the man think he was very busy. He told his secretary to show the man in.
At that moment, the doctor picked up the telephone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient. The man waited until the “conversation” was over. Then, the doctor put the telephone down and asked, “Can I help you?”
“No! I’m just here to connect your telephone,” replied the man coolly.

Frog Trick
A man goes into the doctor’s clinic with a frog stuck to his forehead. The startled doctor asks, “How did that happen?”
The frog replies, “It started as a boil on my bum!”

24-Hour Countdown
Doctor: “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”
Patient: “Well, you can give me the bad news first.”
Doctor: “The lab submitted your test report yesterday. They said you have only 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “Only 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”
Doctor: “Well, I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday!”

Problematic Problem
Patient: “Doctor, help! I have a serious memory problem. I can’t remember anything!”
Doctor: “Oh I see! Since when do you have this problem?”
Patient: “Problem? What problem?”

Orgasmic Delight
Patient: “Doctor, you must help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
Doctor: “Really! What have you been doing about it?”
Patient, grinning: “Oh, nothing much. Simply taking snuff!”

Healthy Problem
Patient: “Doctor, I have a strange problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.”
Doctor: “You should cut down on drinks.”
Patient: “But doctor, I don’t touch a drop!”
Doctor: “You should cut down on smoking.”
Patient: “Doctor, I don’t smoke!”
Doctor: “You should stop taking drugs.”
Patient: “I don’t ever set my eyes on drugs.”
Doctor: “You should cut down on womanising.”
Patient: “I haven’t touched a woman in my life even with a barge pole.”
Doctor, exasperated: “Ah, that’s your problem! You never do anything! So go get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, enjoy drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!”