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102 pages

English

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Robert Johansen's and Todd Gaffaney's breakout book, Making Love - How to Create, Enjoy, and Sustain Intimacy, is a beautifully written, easy to understand, clinically proven concept that teaches the reader how he or she can create and sustain love for their partner.Making Love is an extremely important book for today's times, given that a staggering sixty-seven percent of couples married after 1990 are divorced. Ironically, marriage counselors divorce at the same alarming rate as the national average. While these failed relationship statistics are troubling, there is hope for a better tomorrow.Author's Johansen and Gaffaney's research evolved into a groundbreaking and clinically tested model that gives readers the tools to thrive in their marriage or relationship.

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Publié par	Untreed Reads
Date de parution	28 février 2012
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781611872651
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0186€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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Making Love
By Dr. Robert Johansen and Dr. Todd Gaffaney

Copyright 2012 by Dr. Robert Johansen and Dr. Todd Gaffaney
ISBN-13: 978-1-611-87265-1
Cover Design by Eric Lindsey
Cover copyright 2012 Park East Press and Untreed Reads Publishing
The author is hereby established as the sole holder of the copyright. Either the publisher (Untreed Reads) or author may enforce copyrights to the fullest extent.
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold, reproduced or transmitted by any means in any form or given away to other people without specific permission from the author and/or publisher. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
http://www.untreedreads.com

Making Love
How to Create, Enjoy, and Sustain Intimacy
Dr. Robert Johansen and Dr. Todd Gaffaney

Acknowledgments
To my wife, Anne, thank you for being the loving catalyst to the ideas contained in this book. Words fall short of capturing my gratitude for your unwavering support and devotion. Todd and I will always be grateful for your practical suggestions.
To my son, Dr. Ian Johansen, thank you for your love, support, and prodding. Your labors gave the armchair theorizing of our intimacy model a scientific footing. Todd and I will always be grateful to you.
To my daughter, Lauren, thank you for your love, inspiration, and encouragement.
To my parents, Nils and Naomi, your love was formative.
- Robert Johansen
To my wife, Vi, and our family, Mat, Wendy, and Sherice, thank you for the opportunity to know myself better. I appreciate all of your loving support and ideas. It has been a long haul. Vi, you even had the time to remodel the house.
To Bob, thank you for your wise and clever feedback. Your humorous margin notes took the edge off.
To John, thank you for having confidence in our project.
Lastly, our thanks to the many clients who supported and inspired us.
-Todd Gaffaney

Contents
Acknowledgments
Introduction
PART I: Problems and Solutions
Chapter One: Why Relationships Fail
Character-Based Love
A Case Example
Four Pathways
Romance Is Never Enough
Low Intimacy Intelligence
Intimacy Defined
The Intricacies of Intimacy
The Intimacy Questionnaire
The Incompleteness of Childhood
The Two Brains
The Ghosts of the Past
The War of the Sexes
The Clashing of Values
Male Stereotypes
Female Stereotypes
Gender Fallout
Reflections and Questions
Personal Exercise
Chapter Two: A New Model for Lasting Relationships
Introduction to the Model
A Case Illustration
A Case Analysis
Principles of the Model
Intimacy Reveals
What Gets Revealed?
Reactions
Blaming: Inevitable and Destructive
Analyzing Our Stories
Need Management
Need Identification
Need Legitimization
Need Representation
Viewing Our Partners in a New Way
A Case Example
Character-Based Love (Already used this heading earlier)
Self-Generated Love
Application
Change Ourselves and Change Our Relationships
Intimacy Is the Best Vehicle for Change and Growth
The Long and Short of Need Management
Summary of the Model
Intimacy Reveals Us
Managing What Is Revealed
Managing Our Needs
Application of the Model
Personal Exercise
PART II: Building Lasting Relationships
Chapter Three: Love Under the Microscope
Romance vs. Marriage
The Highs and Lows of Romantic Love
The Lows
The Worst Low
The Origins of Romantic Love
The Biology of Romantic Love
Infant Love
Infant and Romantic Love
Romantic and Character-Based Love
Character-Based Love
Origins
The Language of Self-Generated Love
Shifting Our Thinking
Benefits of Self-Generated Love
A Case Example
A Case Analysis
Language Metaphor
Personal Exercise
Chapter Four: The Basics of Intimacy
Intimacy Is Unique and Difficult
Managing What Is Revealed
The Fear of Intimacy
Our Needs Define Us
Our History of Needs
I Fear What I Need
Managing Needs and Fears
Making Friends with Fear
Knowledge
Exposure
Redoing the History
The Psychology of Risking
Risking Intimately
I Risk, Therefore I Am
Risk for Intimacy-Quiz
Strategies for Risk-Taking
The Safety in Risking
Need Management and Intimacy
Personal Exercise
Chapter Five: Overcoming Emotional Wounds
Vignette
Past Relationship: Our Parents
Present Relationship: Our Partners
Crossing the Bridge from Past to Present
Emotional Wounds
A Case Example
The Importance of Past Relationships
Imperfect Parents
Imperfect Childhood
Unmet Needs
Surveying the Damage of the Past
Survey Results and Analysis
Learning from Emotional Wounds
Becoming Your Own Parent
Learning to Think and Act Effectively
A Case in Point
Reworking Our Conflicts
Strategies for Overcoming Emotional Wounds
Personal Exercise
Chapter Six: Men vs. Women: The Longest War
He vs. She-The War Between the Sexes
An Acceptable Addiction
Post-Romantic Stress Disorder
Mismatched Priorities
The Male Mistake
Masked Men
The Emotional Side of Men
Over-Sexed
Funny Guy
Mr. Angry
The Feminine Perspective
The Feminine Mistake
Damsel in Distress
Rigid Expectations
The Emotional Side of Women
The War of the Sexes
The Union of Opposites
His Problem
His Solution
Her Problem
Her Solution
Summary
Personal Exercise
PART III: Starting Over
Chapter Seven: Love Affairs
Cheating
Why Do People Cheat?
Escape from the Self
A Case Example
Treatment Options
Stop Blaming Our Partners
Analyzing Our Stories
Managing Our Needs
Need Identification
Shifting Our Thinking
Magical Changes
Personal Exercise
Chapter Eight: Divorce and Starting Over
Terminating Relationships: The Right Reasons
The Wrong Reasons
Poor Need Management
Common Denominator
After the Breakup-Single and Alone
Managing the Emotional Fallout
Examining Your Previous Relationship
Positive Stories
Negative Stories
Starting Over and Reconnecting
Need Management Inventory
Starting a New Relationship
The Myth of Compatibility
Beyond Compatibility: Who vs. How
Self-Generated Love
Using the Model for Starting Over
A Case Example
Attracted to Whom?
Personal Exercise
Need Management Inventory
Need Identification
Need Legitimization
Need Representation: Balance of Self and Other Respect
Expression of Need and Feeling
Prioritizing of Needs
Evaluation: Self vs. Partner
Glossary of Key Terms
References

Introduction
Making Love is not an instructional manual on human sexuality. It is instead a recipe for how couples can create, enjoy, and sustain intimacy.
The Revealed Relationship
Intimacy is the most powerful and unique relationship we will ever experience. The magic of intimacy is its power to reveal who we are-all of our flaws, foibles, and imperfections are drawn into the open. Nobody knows us better than our intimate partners. They provoke us to experience the parts of our personalities that are not fully developed. Now here s the dilemma-what do we do? On the one hand, we can get defensive, withdraw, or argue. Intimacy suffers. On the other hand, intimacy makes possible our fullest maturity as a person. It is the new womb of development.
Two Kinds of Love
Do you remember the first time you fell in love? How did you explain your passionate feelings? Typically, we attribute our attraction to the traits found in our romantic partners. He s so intelligent. She s so sexy. We fall in love with who we perceive them to be. In this book, we refer to this as character-based love.
Character-based love places the source of our love within our partners. Our love then becomes too dependent on our partners, and we lose control of our affections. Worse, when our partners traits change or disappear-and they will-what happens to our love? Character-based love is seriously flawed.
Alternatively, self-generated love presupposes that what we feel for our partners ought to be our own creation. It should not depend solely on the traits in our partners. Love develops from the kind of people we are when we are with our partners. If I like who I am when I m with you, then I like you too.
The centerpiece of self-generated love is effective need management. Our focus should not be on need gratification or on partner compatibility (many self-help books stress these ideas). The key is to create and maintain respect for who I am in relation to you. This requires careful and well-practiced need management. I must identify, legitimatize, and represent the needs I bring to my relationship. This is the way I grow love for myself and my partner. I am self-generating love.
If you need help applying the concepts in the book or would like us to present the model to you or your group, please contact us at 714-651-8853, or e-mail us at rjohansenphd@verizon.net or tgaffaney@cerritos.edu .

Part I
Problems and Solutions

Chapter One
Why Relationships Fail
Relationships fail. Intimacy is diff