Love Busters , livre ebook

Baker Publishing Group - Jr. Harley Willard F.

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110 pages

English

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A Classic Resource from Dr. Harley--Now Revised and Repackaged to Highlight Six Changes in Habits That Will Save Your MarriageAccording to relationship expert and bestselling author Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., after couples get married, they often develop habits that slowly undermine the love they have for each other. If tolerated, these Love Busters--selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, annoying habits, and independent behavior--will destroy a couple's love for each other. The solution, however, isn't merely to avoid these negative behaviors and attitudes. Rather, it's to cultivate Love Builders--positive habits that will strengthen the relationship.With Dr. Harley's expert guidance, couples will be able to avoid the major causes of marital unhappiness and disappointment. Instead of tearing their marriage apart, they will learn to build it into the marriage they had needed and wanted. This book is a perfect companion to His Needs, Her Needs and will be useful to pastors, counselors, and couples.

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Publié par	Baker Publishing Group
Date de parution	04 octobre 2016
Nombre de lectures	1
EAN13	9781493405565
Langue	English
Poids de l'ouvrage	1 Mo

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0576€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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© 1992, 1997, 2002, 2008, 2016 by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com
Ebook edition created 2016
Ebook corrections 12.18.2017
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
ISBN 978-1-4934-0556-5
Contents
Cover 1
Titlel Page 3
Copyright Page 4
Preface 7
1. The Secret to Lasting Love 9
2. The Love Bank 13
3. How Love Busters Can Wreck a Marriage 23
4. Selfish Demands: Part 1 33
5. Selfish Demands: Part 2 47
6. Disrespectful Judgments: Part 1 61
7. Disrespectful Judgments: Part 2 73
8. Angry Outbursts: Part 1 85
9. Angry Outbursts: Part 2 95
10. Dishonesty: Part 1 115
11. Dishonesty: Part 2 129
12. Independent Behavior: Part 1 143
13. Independent Behavior: Part 2 151
14. Annoying Habits: Part 1 165
15. Annoying Habits: Part 2 173
Bonus Chapter: Building Romantic Love with Care 185
Bonus Chapter: Building Romantic Love with Time 195
Appendix A: Basic Concepts to Help You Fall in Love and Stay in Love 201
Appendix B: Love Busters Questionnaire 211
About the Author 219
Other Books by Willard F. Harley, Jr. 220
Back Ads 221
Back Cover 222
Preface to the Revised & Updated Love Busters
It’s been almost twenty-five years since I wrote Love Busters as a companion to my first book on marriage, His Needs, Her Needs . The reason that I chose this title, Love Busters , is that spouses often engage in habits that destroy their love for each other. If these habits are left to run amok, they will wreak havoc on a marriage.
While the primary focus of my first book, His Needs, Her Needs , was to teach couples how to create romantic love for each other, I wrote this companion, Love Busters , to teach them how to avoid destroying that love. At first you might think that destroying romantic love is simply failing to do what it takes to create it. But it turns out that the ways to create it and destroy it are entirely different.
As I explain in His Needs, Her Needs , spouses find fulfillment in marriage when their five most important emotional needs are met by each other. When that happens, romantic love is created and sustained. But in Love Busters , I identify six common habits of spouses that make each other miserable and destroy romantic love.
In the first half of my original Love Busters book, I presented the six Love Busters and what spouses could do to avoid them. Then, in the second half, I explained how couples could resolve common conflicts in marriage if they avoided using any of those Love Busters. But many readers felt that the first half did not provide enough help in learning how to overcome Love Busters.
So in this new book, I have expanded the first half to offer readers a more complete understanding of how to replace love-busting patterns with love-building habits . The information found in the second half of the original book—learning how to resolve common conflicts by not using Love Busters—is now found in another book I’ve written, He Wins, She Wins , and the accompanying He Wins, She Wins Workbook .
Although the title of this book is somewhat whimsical, there’s nothing whimsical about Love Busters. They are extremely destructive to a marital relationship, and I’ve written this book to warn you of their threat to the love you and your spouse have for each other.
1 The Secret to Lasting Love

When a couple first comes to my office, I talk with each of them separately. I’ve found that if they are together, they will spend most of their time criticizing each other. If I allow that to happen, they’ll feel worse when the session is over than before they came. They would be engaging in Love Busters, which is one of the primary reasons they needed my help in the first place.
My practice of separating spouses during initial counseling sessions is based on a very important principle that I will repeat throughout this book. It’s a point that I want you to fully understand:
Just about everything that you and your spouse do affects the way you feel about each other. What you do either builds your love for each other, or it destroys that love.
How spouses affect each other determines the success or failure of a marriage. If the spouses I’m counseling would simply stop doing the things that upset each other and start doing the things that make each other feel terrific, their marital problems would be over. Something else would happen too. They would be in love.
But even if they were to leave my office fully convinced that my basic principle is correct, the insight itself would not be enough to change the course of their marriage. They would both be required to follow through on that insight by making significant changes in their behavior. And those changes would be difficult for them to make. They would need a plan and a commitment to follow the plan until the changes were complete. But it would be worth making that effort because it would provide them with something that they both want—a fulfilling marriage.
A Fulfilling Marriage Requires the Feeling of Love
Marriage is like an aircraft with exceptional performance—when it flies fast. But when it flies slowly, it cannot stay aloft—it stalls and crashes. When a husband and wife are in love with each other, they are happier, healthier, wiser, and more productive than ever. But when love fades, they lose everything that made them better people.
The feeling of love also gives a couple instinctive skills that make their marriage wonderful. They are more affectionate, conversant, and sexually attracted to each other than they would be if they were not in love. It almost seems like a miracle to those who experience it. But when they lose that love for each other, and those instinctive skills fade, what once seemed almost effortless becomes awkward and difficult. When that happens, a couple becomes disillusioned. Why are we not caring for each other the way we once did?
In an effort to force each other to provide the care they once took for granted, they become instinctively abusive and controlling. The instincts that once made a couple almost perfect for each other now change to make them so repulsive that they try to escape each other through divorce or permanent separation.
Take my word for it, because it’s based on years of experience: If you want a marriage that satisfies both you and your spouse, you must be in love with each other. That’s because once you lose the feeling of love in your marriage, it’s a slippery slope all the way down to disliking or even hating each other. Instead of bringing out the best in each other, you will find yourselves bringing out the worst.
When a couple is first married, they think their feelings of love will last a lifetime. The vows and commitments they make depend on that assumption. But their passion for each other is usually short-lived. Some couples sustain it for just a few months or years after the wedding. For others, it’s only days. And when passion leaves a marriage, the commitments usually leave along with it.
Some marriage counselors advise couples to accept the inevitable: Enjoy passion while it lasts but don’t expect it to continue forever. Some recommend rising to a higher form of passionless love that they call “true love.”
But I have found that couples do not have to accept the loss of love as inevitable. When spouses learn how to affect each other positively by meeting each other’s emotional needs, and how to avoid affecting each other negatively, the love and passion they had when first married can be maintained throughout their marriage. My wife, Joyce, and I are among those who can honestly testify to having experienced continual love for each other throughout our fifty-four years of marriage because we have applied these important lessons to our lives.
But I have good news for couples who have experienced a loss of love: That love they once had for each other can be restored . And once it’s back, all thoughts of passionless love, or even divorce, vanish.
Impossible , you may say. And it may certainly seem that way. When you’re in love, it seems impossible that you will ever lose that feeling; and when you’re out of love, it seems impossible to get it back. Most couples I counsel don’t believe they will ever feel that love for each other again. But my methods for restoring passion do not require faith—they require action! When a couple follows my instructions, their love for each other returns.
How to Fall in Love and Stay in Love
Let me return to the statement I made at the beginning of this chapter: Just about everything that you and your spouse do affects the way you feel about each other. What you do either builds your love for each other, or it destroys that love.
So the feeling of love in marriage is a litmus test of how you’ve been affecting each other. If you do what it takes to affect each other positively, and avoid affecting each other negatively, your passion for each other is the result.
I’ve written two books to help you create and sustain your feeling of love. They work together. While the first book, His Needs, Her Needs , helps you build the feeling of love, this book, Love Busters , helps you avoid losing that love.
You create the feeling of love for each other by doing what it takes to make each other feel terrific—by meeting each other’s most important emotional needs. His Needs, Her Needs teaches you how to identify those needs and then meet them throughout your lives together. But even if you meet each other’s emotional needs, you can destroy the