Learning How To Leave , livre ebook

Life Logic Publishing - Michael Padraig Acton

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157 pages

English

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This popular book is dedicated to freeing those stuck within toxic relationships.Compassionately grounded in science and embedded in the author's 30 years plus of clinical experience, this is nevertheless an easy and powerful read.

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Publié par	Life Logic Publishing
Date de parution	24 juin 2021
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781839782831
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0500€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

Published by Life Logic Publishing 2021
Text Life Logic Publishing 2021
Illustrations KS Turner 2021
Cover Design Helen Braid 2021
The author has asserted their moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988, to be identified as the author of this work.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
A CIP catalogue for this book is available from the British Library.
Paperback ISBN 978-1-8383527-0-7 eBook ISBN 978-1-8397828-3-1
Typeset in Garamond Classic 11.25/14 by Blaze Typesetting
Printed in Great Britain by Clays Ltd, St Ives
When a narcissist accuses you of something, it s truly a confession
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I would like to start by thanking my clinical supervisors who have really made a difference to myself and my patients over the years.
First, Ruth Baker BACP Snr Accrd. Ruth has been an amazing mentor and guide with fantastic skills to navigate me through my clinical cases with care, insight and reflection. She beautifully combines this with supporting my personal wellbeing, enabling me to go all out.
I also give thanks to Gary Taylor and Brenda Roberts from the Royal Sussex Hospital Psychology Dept., St Peters Place, Brighton, East Sussex and Morley Street Children s Clinic. I learnt so much and your support was second to none.
Then, there are my scholastic mentors. From Stirling, I thank all members of the education faculty that gave me the opportunity of cementing my first career path. I fondly recall Angela Rogers from Dundee University.
You just missed a first by three points Michael, was Angela s response as I stood in a telephone box having called in to see if I had failed my Master s degree in Psychology and Education. Silence prevailed.
She was so helpful, supportive, encouraging and knowledgeable about how to get the best out of me. I truly could not have juggled and managed everything without her firm and nurturing support. I again learned so much.
Moving on to Mick Burton from Sussex University. Bless Mick s soul. He departed soon after I completed my Master s degree in Counselling Psychology. He opened a door to the psychoanalytic world and the field of applied psychodynamic therapy. He was a gentleman and a true scholar.
Mic Cooper was an amazing supervisor for my controversial research at Sussex and Brighton universities. He showed me how to mould and develop a hypothesis and how to best interview participants to generate themes and ideas. This has helped me immeasurably during my career. I am so pleased he went on to become a professor and a major contributor to the field of counselling psychology.
I also want to mention Malcolm Cross from London City University. I felt that there was a huge gap in my knowledge and ability to work with people throughout all aspects of their struggles. It was Malcolm s encouragement as my Director of Studies that sent me along the path of systemic therapy, which involved relationship and family work. He opened up a whole new world for me and also helped me to become a much more effective therapist. I never work with people in isolation; Milanian Systemic Principles have guided me well to work with people in their context.
And lastly, there is John Waite from the University of Western England. John taught me so much about poor supervision practice and how to learn from his examples and be an effective supervisor myself. In the group supervision he mentored, John highlighted how the need for confidentiality is paramount to enable people to safeguard students, patients and faculty staff. I supervise carefully and effectively due to the lessons I learned.
FOREWORD
Michael has brilliantly sewn this book on codependency and narcissism together. The dance that occurs between the codependent and narcissist is couched with such elegance that all who read this book will feel that they are dancing right along with them. The couple whose story we follow through the course of the book depict the true nature of the narcissist and codependent relationship. It s eye-opening to be able to witness this relationship from a distance, as a reader and an observer.
From the moment Michael introduces these characters to us, we re able to consciously feel the stark differences between the two of them. We are able to get a sense of the two personalities and that entices us to look deeper and read on. How Michael delicately draws them into conversation and then into showing their true motivations for therapy is masterful. As we read along, we cannot help but feel as if we re sitting alongside Michael, looking upon his patients, from his perspective.
The dialogue that permeates through this book creates the ideal place to learn from.
Michael has more than three decades of clinical and counselling experience and that is clearly seen, as we are drawn into his clinical examples with such ease. This is a brilliantly constructed book on a topic that so many authors are unable to articulate for their readers.
I am a paediatrician with 18 years of experience in applied knowledge and clinical experience as a physician, community paediatrician and researcher.
Throughout my years of clinical practice I have worked with a multitude of codependent and narcissistic relationships. Looking for a book on this topic was difficult to find, let alone one that I could learn from.
After reading Learning How To Leave my eyes have been opened again to looking at how I approach and then dance with my patient relationships. I am able to offer new avenues for my patients and families that will create healing and understanding. Michael has created this book for all to read and learn from.
I highly recommend this book and I will be offering it to the families I serve and especially my peers in the medical world.
Barry Scott Lowy
MD Paediatrician
AUTHOR S NOTE
Many books dealing with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) focus solely on the narcissist and the pathological traits behind their behaviour; less attention is paid to the other side of the coin: the codependent.
To understand the basic pattern of the narcissist-codependent relationship, think of the two individuals as dancers at an evening party. The narcissist is the perfect lead on the dance floor: confident, self-assured and decisive. They engage with everyone, asking each in turn to dance, yet none of the dance partners quite match up. Perhaps they misread the narcissist s movements and step on their toes, or are too rigid to just enjoy being swept away in the moment. Finally, the narcissist approaches the humble codependent who has been watching all along-as if mesmerised-from the shadows. A moment later, the narcissist is asking the codependent to dance.
The codependent, amazed at their luck, accepts the invitation and, within minutes, the two are gracefully sweeping around the room.
The acquiescent codependent watches their partner s every step with the care and attention they have grown up learning to provide. The pair adapt and move perfectly together and the dance seems effortless and a joy to watch. The narcissist laps up the attention from their partner and those who are watching in awe. The codependent, carried away by the drama and romance of it all, believes that they have met the partner of their dreams and waits for the day when the narcissist looks back at them, eyes brimming with mutual respect and love-but that moment never comes.
They try ever harder to prove their worth as a dance partner, yet the narcissist barely recognises the effort, wrapped up as they are with how they appear to others around them. As bitterness grows and self-esteem crumbles, the codependent looks across the dance floor for options but sees no one looking back; fear paralyses them. They realise they will never find anyone as eligible as the narcissist and so must choose between being alone in the shadows of life or continuing in a dance that no longer holds any enjoyment for them bar the glimmers of hope that keep them there ( Who would ever love me? ). The narcissist has now completely taken control, reaffirming the codependent s childhood fears of being unlovable.
The key to the codependent is their self-destructive belief that they are responsible for their significant other s happiness or misery. They lack the ability at this point to separate out and see the whole damned picture.
This is the moment when they become trapped-unless they can find a path to healing the wounds that are behind their maladaptive behaviour. NPD and codependency transcend all genders and sexualities.
There is hope for peace and happiness but if you are reading this book for a codependent you know (or for yourself) they will already be in the grip of distorted thinking.
It is my sincere hope that this book, compiled through years of scholastic and evidence-based therapeutic practice, enables the suffering codependent to realise their predicament and to take their first steps upon that healing road. In recognition that readers of this book may not be seasoned academics, I have deliberately kept my language plain and concise, and let the case examples do much of the talking. This focus on readability, accessibility and linguistic economy is a seam that runs through this Power Of You series, of which this is the first book. My aim is to open up taboo topics and bust myths surrounding real-life problems that face the people I ve been working with over the past 30 years, from toxic relationships and domestic abuse to parenting guilt and grief. The Power Of You series aims to reach people in their homes, wherever they are, so I can share my experience and offer support via these pages to everyone who needs