Laugh-a-Day Book of Bloopers, Quotes & Good Clean Jokes , livre ebook

Baker Publishing Group - Jim Kraus

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210 pages

English

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Description

Laughter is powerful medicine--and it's just plain fun. The Laugh-a-Day Book of Bloopers, Quotes & Good Clean Jokes brings together hundreds of the funniest bits of wit and humor to brighten anyone's day. From blunders like "For sale: Electric hospital bed, hardly used. No one died in it," to truisms like "The only thing worse than hearing the alarm clock in the morning is not hearing it," there's something to tickle everyone's funny bone.Teachers, speakers, pastors, writers, and anyone who loves to laugh will enjoy this impressive collection of jokes, bulletin bloopers, and amusing quotes--enough for a whole year of laughter!

Sujets

Humour

Informations

Publié par	Baker Publishing Group
Date de parution	01 janvier 2012
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781441236111
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0288€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

© 2012 by Jim Kraus
Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com
Ebook edition created 2011
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means for example, electronic, photocopy, recording without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
ISBN 978-1-4412-3611-1
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
The author is represented by MacGregor Literary.
The internet addresses, email addresses, and phone numbers in this book are accurate at the time of publication. They are provided as a resource. Baker Publishing Group does not endorse them or vouch for their content or permanence.
To my wife and son, whose laughter is the most perfect medicine
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Preface
Days 1-30
Days 31-60
Days 61-90
Days 91-120
Days 121-150
Days 151-180
Days 181-210
Days 211-240
Days 241-270
Days 271-300
Days 301-330
Days 331-360
Days 361-365
About the Author
Back Ads
Back Cover
Preface
I am writing this preface in hopes of preventing an avalanche of hate mail. Well, not hate mail, exactly. More like dislike mail. Or indignant mail. And this from a joke book of all things. What’s the matter with us these days?
I’ve been collecting jokes for years, and I’ve pulled together some of my favorites. I hope you enjoy them. Within these pages are jokes that make fun of blondes, Catholics, Baptists, Vikings, Packers, old people, young people, army guys, Jewish people, Canadians, Norwegians, rabbis, preachers, popes, churchgoers, married people, golfers, cowboys, blondes . . . Wait, didn’t I mention blondes before? I think I did. For the record, I used to be a blonde. Not that kind of blonde, though. And I am a churchgoer. And a married person.
So I am not offended by any of the blonde, married-person, churchgoer jokes. Please be assured that these are jokes and are not presumed to accurately portray said blonde or cowboy or blonde married person. Allow me to share an inconvenient truism with you a lot of jokes just don’t work if every stereotype is replaced with “some man” or “some woman.”
So I am encouraging us all to hold our righteous indignation at bay . . . poke fun at each other . . . and laugh a little.
Thanks,
Jim Kraus
And visit my website, www.jimkraus.com . There is no particular reason to do so, but it would make me feel less lonely.
Days 1-30

• Day • 1
Susan was having a lot of problems trying to sell her old car because it had 250,000 miles on it.
One day she told her problem to a friend, who said, “There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” Susan whispered, “if only I can sell the car.”
“Okay,” Susan’s friend said. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he’ll turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car.”
Susan quickly made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later, her friend asked Susan, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” Susan replied, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
Blooper
Pastor Grayson will lead a brown-bag seminar titled “How to Hold Effective One-Hour Meetings” from noon to 1:30 on Wednesday.
Quote
To his dog, every man is Napoleon. Hence the continued popularity of dogs.

• Day • 2
My mother began getting calls from people who misdialed the similar number of a new computer repair business. Mom, who had had her number for years, asked the owner of the company to have the number changed. He refused.
The calls kept coming day and night. At first Mom tried to tell them they had called the wrong number but more calls came. Then she started giving them advice, despite the fact that she knew nothing about computers.
Finally, Mom began telling the people who called that the company had gone out of business. Within a week, the computer repair company voluntarily changed its number.
Blooper
All went well on the adult camping trip last weekend despite the low temperatures in the late 40s and early 50s.
Quote
One good thing about apathy is you don’t have to exert yourself to show you’re sincere about it.

• Day • 3
Every member of the Mensa organization has an IQ in the top 2 percent and has to pass a difficult test of logic and reasoning to be admitted. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members ate dinner at a local café. While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker contained salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling them, using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for these Mensa members.
The group debated and presented ideas and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
“Miss,” they said, “we couldn’t help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker ”
“Oh,” the waitress interrupted. “Sorry about that.” She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
Blooper
Thanks! During our Summer Fest celebration, Mason’s Funeral Home brought cheer to our senior citizens.
Quote
Appeasers believe that if you keep on throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger will turn vegetarian.

• Day • 4
A woman and her husband had to interrupt their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any pain shots or Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just yank out the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
Blooper
The Granite City Men’s Prayer Group will hold an early-riser breakfast. Breakfast will be served until 2:30 p.m.
Quote
A modern artist is one who throws paint on a canvas, wipes it off with a cloth, then sells the cloth.

• Day • 5
At the banquet celebrating Tom and Susan’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a long and successful marriage.
“Tell us, Tom,” someone said, “just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
Blooper
Company representative Chip Wallingsford spoke to the seniors at Gary Methodist Church and offered a free trial of the Miracle Ear hearing aid. “It’s an unheard-of 60-day risk-free trial,” he said.
Quote
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.

• Day • 6
While leading a tour of kindergarten students through the hospital, an X-ray technician was showing X-rays of broken bones.
“Have any of you ever broken a bone?” he asked.
A pretty little girl in pink raised her hand and replied, “I did.”
“Did it hurt?” he asked.
“No,” the little girl replied.
“Really? You must be a brave little girl. Which bone did you break?”
“My sister’s arm.”
Blooper
Associate Pastor Brian Husenut once again offered his guests smoked moose steak “It’s my own specialty of the horse.”
Quote
A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on.

• Day • 7
An eighty-five-year-old widow went on a blind date with a ninety-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.
“What happened, Mother?” her daughter asked.
“I had to slap his face three times!”
“You mean he got fresh?” her daughter exclaimed, shocked and indignant.
“No,” she answered, “I thought he was dead.”
Blooper
The Swallow Falls Bible Church Monday night Bible study meets every Tuesday morning in the community room, except during July, when it meets on Wednesday night.
Quote
Show me a twin birth and I will show you an infant replay.

• Day • 8
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public-address system say, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta flight 570 will board from gate 41.” So I picked up my luggage and hauled it over to gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public-address voice told us that flight 570 would, in fact, be boarding from gate 35. So again I picked up my carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as I was settling down, the public-address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.”
Blooper
Our Eden Valley Baptist Church softball team increased their record to 0-3.
Quote
Before you drink at a brook, it is well to know its source.

• Day • 9
A man’s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” the cow said.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story.
“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” the farmer asked.
“Yes, yes,” the man replied.
“Oh, I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” the farmer said. “She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
Blooper
The Edisons are renting out their “cute as a button” honeymoon cottage on Fishers Lake. Sleeps three.
Quote
Cheap things are not good; good things are not c