How British is That?! , livre ebook

Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited - Smith Archibald St John

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44 pages

English

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Description

A funny take on the eccentric nature of the Brits. An example taken from a British newspaper: "At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)"

Sujets

Reino Unido

Lifestyle

United Kingdom

Great Britain

Royaume-Uni

Humour

Informations

Publié par	Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited
Date de parution	15 juin 2010
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781906051600
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0180€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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INTRODUCTION

A lot of things can be said about the British. Like who or what exactly is British anyway? I’m a Scot, I’m English, Welsh, Irish, Cornish, British Jamaican – yeah well, whatever! Let’s agree to ours being a multicultural society with a large dash of xenophobia – now, get off my land will you?

Traditionally Brits are seen as reserved, polite to a fault, and well-versed in the art of irony. Johnny Foreigner rarely stands a chance, does he? In practice, however, Brits can be rude, boorish, often drunk and rather vulgarly attired. Of course, there’s always that class thing going on and there’s still a world between the penniless aristocracy and the purchased peerage. But, without doubt, there are two things that everyone knows the Brits are good at: talking about the weather and queuing.

Here follows a celebration of all things British – for better, for worse. We hope you enjoy this collection of facts, jokes, true stories and observations!

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BRITISH RULES OK!

Some basic British rules:

Do not stare at people in public.

Do not pick your nose in public.

Do not spit on the pavement.

Do not touch my beer.

Drive on the left.

Euros are not accepted.

Do not kiss me, slap me on the back, hug me or call me by my first name unless I know you.

Eat with both your knife and fork and do not ask for doggie bags.

My personal life is not your business.

How much I earn is not your business.

Women can wear the trousers here and men may be found in skirts with nothing under them.

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT BRITONS

Other nations use ‘force’; we Britons alone use ‘might’
Evelyn Waugh, English writer, 1903-1966

The Britons are quite separated from all the world
Virgil, ancient Roman Latin poet

Rule, Britannia, rule the waves; Britons never will be slaves
James Thomson, Scottish poet, 1700-1748

For a steady self-esteem and indomitable confidence in our own courage, greatness, magnanimity, who can compare with Britons, except their children across the Atlantic?
William Makepeace Thackeray, Indian-born English author, 1811-1863

If I were an American, as I am an Englishman, while a foreign troop was landed in my country I never would lay down my arms. Never! Never! Never!
William Pitt, 1st Earl of Chatham

AND A LITTLE BIT MORE . . .

First, there were the Scots . . .
They kept the Sabbath, and everything else they could lay their hands on.

Then there were the Welsh . . .
They prayed on their knees and their neighbours.

Thirdly there were the Irish . . .
They never knew what they wanted, but were willing to fight for it anyway.

Lastly there were the English . . .
They considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.

A LITTLE GEOGRAPHY AND OTHER USEFUL STUFF

There are no countries in the world less known by the British than these selfsame British Islands
George Borrow, English writer

• The British Empire at one time included approximately a quarter of the world's population and about a quarter of the world's total land area. Not so today, however.

• The British Isles consist of the two large islands known as Great Britain and Ireland along with the many small islands nearby. The countries of the United Kingdom and Ireland occupy the British Isles, which are separated by St. George's Channel.

• The United Kingdom consists of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

• Great Britain is made up of only England, Scotland and Wales.

• The coastline length around mainland Great Britain is 11,072.76 miles.

• Nowhere in the UK is more than 120 km from the sea.

• The south-east region of the UK is actually sinking into the sea at the rate of about 1 cm each year.

• The longest designated road in the UK is the 648 km (403 mile) long A1 from London to Edinburgh.

GREAT BRITONS

In November 2002, the British public voted Sir Winston Churchill the Greatest Briton of all time, following a nationwide poll that attracted over a million votes. In 2006 we erected a new statue of him, too – wearing a straitjacket (just so we wouldn’t forget that he had a few bouts of depression).

The glass fibre sculpture was commissioned by the charity Rethink, and unveiled in The Forum building in Norwich to highlight the stigma of mental health problems. However, Forum managers said the 9ft statue had to go after complaints from tenants and members of the public. The Churchill family condemned the statue as ‘offensive to them and to the people who revered him’. Time for a rethink perhaps?

GREAT ADVENTURERS

Britons Jonny Clayton, Alex Tate and Steve Goodair embarked on a trek of 592 km (368 miles) from Cornwallis Island in northern Canada to the magnetic North Pole in custom-made Elvis-style survival suits, complete with rhinestones. Mr Tate's father, Jonathon Tate, explained, 'This really would be something. Elvis has been seen everywhere but not, we think, at the North Pole.’ How to confuse the polar bears!

JOHN OF THE JUNGLE

When John Gillatt, an English biologist, popped out for a stroll through the Malaysian rainforest, he had no idea he would be gone for five days. Gillatt knew he was in trouble when he could not find his way back to his hotel in the Fraser’s Hill holiday resort, in the Cameron Highlands. Luckily, modern technology was at hand and Gillatt used his mobile phone to call his wife Noelene, who was asleep 6,000 miles away at home in Bolton, near Manchester. She phoned the Smokehouse Hotel, initiating a rescue operation that involved 150 police and volunteers, three helicopters and even the state tourist minister scouring the undergrowth.

‘I tried to light a fire by rubbing two sticks together. I had no food at all by then. I was getting pretty desperate,’ said Mr Gillatt. ‘The noise at night was terrifying with the howls of the monkeys and chatter of insects. I did not realise there are leopards in the jungle, poisonous snakes and tarantulas.’ A biology lesson perhaps?

WE THOUGHT OF IT FIRST

Magnifying glass ● Reflecting telescope ● Steam pump ● Seed drill ● Diving bell ● Stereotyping ● Achromatic lens ● Marine chronometer ● Spinning jenny ● Steam engine ● Steel pen ● Threshing machine ● Power loom ● Gas turbine ● Illuminating gas ● Hydraulic press ● Smallpox vaccination ● Solid-fuel rocket ● Steam locomotive ● Railroad locomotive ● Safety lamp ● Wellington boot ● Difference Engine (computer) ● Electric motor ● Electromagnet ● Mackintosh ● Portland cement ● Friction match ● Dynamo ● Telegraph ● Photography ● Bicycle (with pedals) ● Hypodermic syringe ● Bessemer converter (steel) ● Electric furnace ● Antiseptic surgery ● Telephone ● Cathode ray tube ● Incandescent filament lamp ● Steam turbine ● Air-inflated rubber tire ● Motion picture camera ● Synthetic rubber ● Rayon (viscose) ● Vacuum bottle (Dewar flask) ● Diode rectifier tube (radio) ● Two-colour motion picture camera ● Mass spectrograph ● Television ● Penicillin ● Radar ● Turbojet aircraft engine ● Holography ● Hovercraft ● CAT scanner ● Clockwork Radio ● Ejector Seat . . .
FLYING THE FLAG

FLAG FACTOIDS

• According to the Department for Culture, Media and Sport, you can fly a Union Flag whenever you wish. However, you need planning permission from your local council to erect a flagpole.

• Flying the Union Jack upside-down may be regarded as a distress signal. It is also ‘lese Majeste’ (which means insulting the Crown), and is theoretically still a crime in the UK and the Commonwealth.

• ‘Half mast’ does not mean half way up the flag pole. It’s the height of the flag from the top of the pole.

• The Welsh dragon does not appear on the flag because when the first Union Flag was created in 1606, Wales was already united with England.

LET’S RUN IT UP A FLAGPOLE . . .

When a patriotic British guy living in the city of Victoria, BC, erected a flagpole in his front yard – and proceeded to fly the Union Jack from it – his home proved to be an unexpected tourist draw. Yes, people actually travel to see his flag. Down with those maple leaves.

ROYAL TREATMENT

IN THE WORDS OF PRINCE PHILIP

Prince Philip, AKA the Duke of Edinburgh, Earl of Merioneth and Baron Greenwich, but not a True Brit, hey. Funny, though!

Do you still throw spears at each other?
On meeting Aborigines in Australia

How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them to pass the test?
Addressing a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland

You can't have been here that long, you haven't got a pot belly
As told to a Briton in