His Needs, Her Needs , livre ebook

Baker Publishing Group - Jr. Harley Willard F.

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150 pages

English

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Time after time, His Needs, Her Needs has topped the charts as the bestselling marriage book available. In this classic book, Willard F. Harley, Jr., identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to make their marriage sizzle by satisfying those needs in their spouses. He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to conflict and even extramarital affairs.Join those who have seen spectacular changes in their marriages by following Dr. Harley's tried-and-proven counsel. You will discover that an outstanding marriage can be more than a dream--it can be your reality.

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Publié par	Baker Publishing Group
Date de parution	08 février 2022
Nombre de lectures	1
EAN13	9781493434374
Langue	English
Poids de l'ouvrage	2 Mo

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,1150€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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Half Title Page
Other Books by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Love Busters
Five Steps to Romantic Love
Draw Close
Fall in Love, Stay in Love
Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders
Effective Marriage Counseling
His Needs, Her Needs for Parents
Defending Traditional Marriage
Four Gifts of Love
I Promise You
I Cherish You
Your Love and Marriage
Marriage Insurance
Give and Take
He Wins, She Wins
Surviving an Affair
Title Page
Copyright Page
© 1986, 1994, 2001, 2011, 2020, 2022 by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com
Ebook edition created 2022
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
ISBN 978-1-4934-3437-4
Scripture quotations are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
The names and details of the people and situations described in this book have been changed or presented in composite form in order to ensure the privacy of those with whom the author has worked.
Baker Publishing Group publications use paper produced from sustainable forestry practices and post-consumer waste whenever possible.
Contents
Cover
Half Title Page 1
Other Books by Willard F. Harley, Jr. 2
Title Page 3
Copyright Page 4
Preface 7
Introduction 13
1. Your Love Bank Never Closes 19
2. Romantic Relationships 101 27
3. Affection 39
4. Intimate Conversation 50
5. Sexual Fulfillment 64
6. Recreational Companionship 80
7. Honesty and Openness 94
8. Physical Attractiveness 109
9. Financial Support 117
10. Domestic Support 127
11. Family Commitment 142
12. Admiration and Appreciation 154
13. Protect Your Love Bank from Outside Threats 169
14. How to Survive an Affair 178
15. From Incompatible to Irresistible 192
Appendix A: The Ten Most Important Emotional Needs 199
Appendix B: Emotional Needs Questionnaire 207
Appendix C: Recreational Enjoyment Inventory 219
Appendix D: Financial Support Inventory 224
About the Author 229
Back Ads 230
Flaps 235
Back Cover 236
Preface
I n 1978, I was asked to teach a thirteen-week course on marriage at the church I attended. The topic was “What must a couple do to stay happily married?” The Christian education director tape-recorded the course for me.
Over the next few years, I used those tapes in my counseling practice to support the advice that I gave couples. One couple volunteered to transcribe the tapes so that I could give them to other couples in written form.
In 1984, that rough transcription made its way into the hands of an employee of the Fleming H. Revell Publishing Company, that person passed it on to the acquisitions editor, and the rest is history. It was published in 1986 with the title His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage .
Within two years of its first printing, the book became a bestseller, and it continues to be one of the most popular books on marriage right up to this year. It’s been translated into twenty-two languages, and more than three million copies have been sold worldwide.
Finding a publisher for this book was the easy part—it almost fell into my lap. The hard part had been finding the answer to the question “What must a couple do to stay happily married?” which was the topic of the thirteen-week course I taught at my church.
Learning What Makes Marriages Succeed
When I was nineteen, a married acquaintance in college told me his marriage was in trouble and asked for my advice. The advice I gave did not help—his marriage ended in divorce. But my friend’s marital failure started me thinking: What was wrong with the advice I gave? What makes some marriages succeed and others, like my friend’s, fail?
It was 1960, and I was about to witness something that few expected—the beginning of the end of the traditional nuclear family in America. Evidence of this social disaster accumulated over the next twenty years. The divorce rate climbed from about 10 percent to over 50 percent, and the percentage of single adults increased from 6.5 percent to 20 percent. While the divorce rate finally stabilized at about 45 percent in 1980, the percentage of single adults has continued to increase right up to the present. It is currently at about 50 percent and climbing because fewer and fewer people are willing to commit themselves to one partner for life.
At the time, I didn’t know that my friend’s marital failure was part of a trend that was about to overwhelm nuclear families. I was unaware of new cultural forces that would threaten marriages as never before. Marriage counselors had it easy prior to that time because people simply didn’t want to divorce, regardless of how unhappy they were. But now, they were unwilling to tolerate an unfulfilling marriage. So if a marriage was to be saved, a counselor had to know what made marriages fulfilling for both spouses. At the age of nineteen, I certainly did not have that answer.
Over the next few years, couples continued asking for my advice regarding marriage—especially after I earned a PhD in psychology. But I wasn’t any more successful with them than I had been with my friend years earlier.
So I decided to become a marriage “expert.” I read books written by the most prominent marital theorists and practitioners. I learned the latest techniques in helping spouses communicate with respect and understanding. I enrolled in a two-year internship at a clinic that had one of the best reputations for marital therapy and was supervised by the chairman of the University of Minnesota’s Department of Family Social Science. But even after helping couples learn to communicate effectively, I was still unable to save their marriages. Almost everyone who came to me for help either ended up like my college friend—divorced—or simply continued to be in an unfulfilling marriage. I knew about my failure because I was doing something that very few other counselors did: I followed up on everyone I counseled long after they had made their last appointment.
I followed up not only with the couples I counseled but also with the couples of other counselors in the clinic where I interned. To my utter surprise, almost everyone else working with me in the clinic was failing as well! My supervisor was failing, the director of the clinic was failing, and so were the other marriage counselors who worked with me.
And then I made the most astonishing discovery of all. Most of the marriage experts in America were also failing. It was very difficult to find anyone willing to admit their failure, but when I had access to actual cases, I couldn’t find any therapist who could prove that the counseling provided was any better than no counseling at all.
Many of these “experts” didn’t even know how to make their own marriages work. The clinic director divorced while I was working there. Many others had been divorced themselves—several times.
Marital therapy had the lowest success rate of any form of therapy at that time. In one 1965 study I read, less than 25 percent of those surveyed felt that marriage counseling did them any good whatsoever, and a higher percentage felt that it did them more harm than good. It seemed that marriage counseling made couples more likely to divorce.
By 1975, I finally began to discover why I and so many other marital therapists were having trouble saving marriages: we did not understand what made a marriage work. We were all so preoccupied with what caused them to fail that we overlooked what helped them succeed. Many marriage counselors, myself included, thought that a lack of communication and problem-solving skills was causing these marriages to fail. So my goal had been to teach these couples how to communicate, to stop fighting, and to resolve conflicts.
But when I asked spouses why they had married in the first place, it wasn’t because of great problem-solving skills. It was because they were in love. And over the years, they had somehow lost their love for each other. In fact, some had even come to hate each other.
When I asked spouses what it would take for them to be happily married again, most couldn’t imagine that ever happening. But I persisted, and as the spouses reflected on it, they came to the realization that they would need to be in love again.
The poor communication that was apparent in many of these failed marriages had contributed to their loss of love, but it was also a symptom of their lost love. Spouses who fall out of love tend to fight instead of resolving their conflicts the right way—with care and respect. So if I wanted to save marriages, I would have to go beyond improving communication—I would have to learn how to restore love.
With this insight, I began to attack emotional issues rather than rational issues. My primary goal in marital therapy changed from resolving conflicts to restoring the feeling of love—romantic love. If I could help restore romantic love, I reasoned, then conflicts might not be as great an issue.
My background as a psychologist taught me that learned associations trigger most of our emotional reactions. Whenever something is presented repeatedly with a physically induced emotion, it tends to trigger that emotion all by itself. For example, if you are flashed the color blue along with an electric shock, and the color red along with a soothing back rub, eventually the color blue will tend to upset you and the color red will tend to relax you.
Applying the same principle to the feeling of love, I theorized that romantic love might be nothing more than a learne