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Andrews UK - William Stafford

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85 pages

English

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Description

When American scholar Cassidy Whitlow arrives in a West Midlands town to complete her thesis on the psychology of murder she finds herself caught up in a series of bizarre and grisly deaths. Who is responsible? The proprietors of her Bed & Breakfast hotel seem to know more than they are letting on - and what about the charming but mysterious beer salesman from Norway? Detective Inspector Brough and his sidekick D S Miller are baffled as each killing takes a darker and increasingly inexplicable turn. This comic thriller will keep you guessing and keep you laughing. Skal!

Sujets

Humour

Informations

Publié par	Andrews UK
Date de parution	21 juin 2016
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781782341062
Langue	English
Poids de l'ouvrage	1 Mo

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0150€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

Title Page
BLOOD & BREAKFAST

By
William Stafford

Publisher Information
Blood & Breakfast
Published in 2012 by Andrews UK Limited
www.andrewsuk.com
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
The characters and situations in this book are entirely imaginary and bear no relation to any real person or actual happening.
Copyright © William Stafford 2012
The right of William Stafford to be identified as author of this book has been asserted in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyrights Designs and Patents Act 1988

Dedication
For Jim, a hero and a friend.

Arrivals
“It’s Brough,” Detective Inspector David Brough sighed and shook his head. He was crabby from the long train journey from Southampton, which had been delayed and extended by more things on the line than prizes on a game show conveyor belt. The small woman in a beige raincoat holding the sign looked at it again. Her head bobbed as if held on by a spring.
“That’s what it says,” she smiled. She was holding the hand-written sign like a child showing a finger painting to the rest of the class.
D.I. Brough sighed again.
“It’s B R O U G H,” he snatched the sign from her and tore it in two before thrusting the pieces back into her hands. “Not B R U F F. And you are?”
“B R U F F N U R,” the woman repeated.
“Never mind.”
They stood looking at each other for a few moments.
“Let me guess: you’re from the station.”
“Well, not this station. The police station.” The woman laughed. D.I. Brough scowled. He was not in the mood.
“I’ve come to meet you,” the woman explained, as if he wasn’t a detective and couldn’t work that out for himself. “Take you back to base, as it were, and get you settled in.”
“How nice,” D.I. Brough was willing to gamble half of the contents of his scrotum his sarcasm would be lost on this already infuriating woman.
“This way, sir.” She turned her back and began to trot away along the platform and towards the stairs. Brough extended the handles on his bulky suitcases and, pulling one and pushing the other, hurried to keep up.
“You have a name, do you?” he asked the back of the woman’s neck. She turned and beamed proudly.
“Oh, yes,” she said.
D.I. Brough closed his eyes.
“For fuck’s sake,” he mouthed.
***
Cassidy Whitlow had less in the way of luggage than the newly arrived Detective Inspector but she had more reason to be tired and crotchety having travelled halfway around the world to get to the same railway station. She hitched her backpack onto her shoulder and moved her holdall from one hand to the other. She couldn’t decide if the sunglasses were a little too much for the dull English day but she kept them on. She rather liked the air of glamour they lent her. International Woman of Intrigue arrives in the West Midlands. She wouldn’t be surprised if she was papped at every corner, and dogged at every step.
Of course, no one paid any attention. Even the CCTV cameras appeared to have turned a blind eye. Things would be very different when her task was complete. Oh yeah. She’d have more fame and notoriety than a coach load of minor Royals, footballers’ wives and reality TV stars bursting into flame.
Well, perhaps that was an exaggeration. Her tutor was constantly scrawling notes in the margin about her tendency towards hyperbole. It was something she was trying to rein in. But this piece - her last and most important - her thesis would blow everyone away. She would be proclaimed the new master in the field. They’d probably give her tenure on the spot.
Getting ahead of yourself, Cass. First things first.
She made her way to the taxi rank. No one checked her ticket and there appeared to be no cabs available. Rather there were cars but no drivers in evidence.
What the hell kind of half-assed place had she come to? Nobody ever hear of customer service in this dump?
***
By the time he had stashed his bags in the boot of her car, D.I. Brough had established that his meeter-and-greeter’s name was Miller. Melanie Miller. She had, inexplicably in his view, attained the rank of Detective Sergeant. He guesstimated she was in her early thirties and she told him flat out she had a cat called Jerry (after the cartoon and yes, she did realise that was the mouse’s name) and, all too explicable to D.I. Brough, she was single.
Perhaps he was being unfair. His bad mood, caused ostensibly by the tiresome train trip but due, when you got down to it, to his unwilling displacement to this backwater borough, was undoubtedly causing him to regard D.S. Miller through shit-tinted spectacles.
As she reversed from the parking space and took the speed bumps too quickly for comfort, Brough reappraised his new underling. She had a broad, pleasant face with even teeth she liked to show off in her constant smiling, like a child’s drawing of the sun. The smiling, he surmised, was from a keenness to please and the nervous wish to be liked. Her honey blonde hair was neatly bobbed and, he was pleased to note, she hadn’t overdone her make-up. There was no orange tide-mark beneath her jaw. When she spoke, her voice betrayed her status as a born and bred Black Country native, although her education and training had taken the corners off it.
Brough shuddered. The town would be crawling with people speaking in that ridiculous sing-song tone. He could bang them all up for torturing vowels.
That the town seemed so far from a railway station did not bode well. What other trappings of modern life was it lacking? Would there be indoor plumbing? Electricity? Votes for women?
“I’m sorry?” he was jolted out of his gloomy contemplations by another sleeping policeman.
“Conurbation,” D.I. Miller repeated the word carefully. “It’s not rude.”
“No -“
“Only all the places is joined up. You can’t tell where one place ends and another one begins. You think you’re in Wolverhampton but it might be Walsall. Or Birmingham. It don’t make no difference most of the time. You’ll get used to it. Get your bearings.”
“I know what a conurbation is, thank you.”
D.S. Miller was smiling, but her lips were thinner and tighter this time. She put her foot down with just a little more pressure as the front wheels approached another speed bump.
***
An apologetic man in polyester trousers and a patterned shirt rushed from the coffee kiosk. Nodding and grinning he opened the door of his taxi and indicated that she should get inside. Oh, no, thought Cassidy Whitlow. I’m not riding shotgun. Not with you, you weirdo.
She opened instead the rear door and got in there. The cab that had taken her from Heathrow to Euston had been a proper taxi. Black and puttering like you see in the movies. And a proper Cockney driver prepared to deliver a monologue on current events at the drop of a hat. When he’d learned she was from the States, he’d mentioned a relative in Texas but Cassidy had had to admit she didn’t know him. Then he’d rattled off a list of movie stars in various states of sobriety that had graced or disgraced that very same back seat on which her ‘arris’ was now seated. Cassidy hadn’t known what her ‘arris’ was exactly but she had a good idea. How lovely, she’d thought as the cab took the most circuitous and expensive route possible, and gee, look, proper double-decker buses!
But, it was increasingly apparent to her, the further you got from the Queen’s residence, the less picturesque and clichéd Britain became. The red brick and concrete angularity of the railway station confirmed this. It could have been anywhere. And now this guy, whose car looked like any other, well, he could be anybody. The registration plaque on his dashboard did little to assuage her misgivings.
“Where to, Miss?” he leered at her via the rear-view mirror.
“My bags,” she jerked her head in the direction of her luggage.
“And where is that adjacent to?” the driver prompted.
“Right there,” she pointed at the sidewalk. “Aren’t you going to put them in the trunk or something?”
The driver cottoned on. Murmuring a thousand apologies, he got out and saw to her luggage.
The country of Hardy, Wordsworth and Shakespeare! Cassidy marvelled at the ineptitude of the man. But then, she reasoned, she could hardly expect Doctor Johnson to be driving a cab, could she?
When he had strapped himself back in and had turned the ignition key, Cassidy leaned forwards and showed him a leaflet. It was an advertisement for a guest house, a whaddyacallem “bed and breakfast” place.
“That is where you wish to go?” said the driver, unwilling to take the leaflet as if there might be some kind of catch.
“Please,” Cassidy flashed him her teeth. He flashed his in return.
“Belt up,” he told her. Then, reading her affronted expression correctly, he added, “Seat belt. It is the law in my country. Now, how much do you usually pay?”
Cassidy sat back and buckled herself in. She watched buildings passing by, a hodgepodge of architectural styles, most of them post-war. This was not the quaint, chocolate box England of Miss Marple and PG Wodehouse. She looked at the cover illustration of the leaflet yet again, and was heartened a little by the black beams in the white walls of her destination. Things might not be so...so ugly when she got there.
***
“Here we am,” D.S. Miller announced. She decided against making a fanfare sound. The new bloke didn’t seem the type for that kind of behaviour. He was probab