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Xlibris US - David Monaghan

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36 pages

English

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A fun romp through one man's life's events with a quirky look at what he learned. The facts are pretty comedic and irreverent to the extent that he was constantly being lectured or dressed down for expressing his off the cuff opinion. You know that filter we're supposed to have that prevents us from saying really dumb things? Apparently, the author's filter is broken.

Sujets

Pets

Dogs

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Publié par	Xlibris US
Date de parution	01 février 2023
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781669858997
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0200€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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TWO ARMS AND A HAND

Or What I Learned From Being Stupid

David Monaghan

Copyright © 2023 by David Monaghan.

ISBN:
Softcover
978-1-6698-5900-0

eBook
978-1-6698-5899-7

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.
Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 12/12/2022

Xlibris
844-714-8691
www.Xlibris.com
849366
Contents
Power Tools and Other Injuries
The Circular Saw Story
Two Arms and a Hand
Nathan and Dolly
Nathan’s cosmic time dilemma
Nathan and the gate.
Know When to Ask a Question and When to Shut Up
Christmas Toys
Getting The Parents’ Car Stuck In The Mud
Teaching Pam How To Drive
My First Encounter With Love
Kidnapping a Catholic Priest
Leaving A Dog At a Gas Station Outside of Omaha, Nebraska
Jamie And Her Temper Tantrum
My Hip Replacement
He Who Runs With Chainsaw
Oh, the Fun You Can Have with a 55 caliber Machine Gun.

One of the important things I have learned is that when you are out in public, NEVER try to pet someone else’s Chihuahua. Those little rat dogs are VICIOUS! I tried to pet one, once and the little bastard bit me on the finger...thank God that was all it was. I admit I was wrong. I should have asked first and not just reached out and try to be nice. You never know how they are going to react unless the owner holds them and allows people to pet their little rats.
I had a dog at one time. Nathan was a German shepherd/Rottweiler mix. He was so smart and I think he tried to outsmart me, but I usually won. I lived in an apartment complex and I had the second floor apartment. There was a sister and a brother that lived nearby. Absolutely adorable kids! The little boy..or little man as he proved to everyone around him, wanted to pet Nathan. I always told him that Nathan needed to sit first. He waited till Nathan was sitting properly and he would lavish love all over that silly dog. One day, his sister came up and while we were walking, she asked if she could pet Nathan. Out of nowhere, the little brother appeared and announced to her that, “ YOU CANNOT PET HIM UNLESS HE IS SITTING! WAIT FOR HIM TO SIT, FIRST!” He looked at me and I told he was correct. The little girl looked at me and waited patiently for Nathan to sit and she, too, lavished him with all the love she could muster. Damn dust in my eye. I had to wipe away the tear that the dust caused. Those two kids were my favorite tenants in the complex. They always waited for me to walk Nathan so they could love all over him. I missed them when I moved. They missed that damn dog and I had to rehome him because where I went, he couldn’t come with me. I found out a few years back that Nathan had passed from old age and the man that owned him showed him as much love as I did when I had him. He was a good dog. I learned that when you own a dog, it’s a question of who owns who. They will love you without question and will always welcome you home. They will never ask where you were. Just greet you with all the happiness they can muster. Love your dog. They will love you back.
Power Tools and Other Injuries
Another lesson that I learned is that no matter how hard you try to be careful, it may not always turn out that the care you took will help. OUCH. It will hurt, but it will teach you to be aware of the things you didn’t see.
I bought a piece of glass that was encased in plastic and cardboard. It was a pane of glass for a picture frame. It was covered in plastic and backed with cardboard. Easy to remove. Uh huh. Sure it is. I then grabbed the left side of the package with my left hand, thumb adjacent to the glass. (This is important to remember). I grabbed the other side with my right hand and YANKED the glass out with my right hand. Little did I know that the glass had an adhesive square holding it in the package. I then yanked again. This time, the glass came loose, thereby slicing a huge gash up the side of my left thumb. It was about a 1/8 th inch deep. When I regained my senses, I realized it was starting to bleed. YIKES. I put the glass down carefully and went into the bathroom to run it under water. When I realized that it was BAAAD, I pulled the band aids out and began to open them one by one and apply “DAVID’S FIRST AID’ to my open wound. It took exactly 5 band aids Well, it was still bleeding, so I figured that clear packing tape would help stop the bleeding. It slowed down and finally stopped, as far as I could see. I waited a few hours and then went next door to the neighbors. I knew from talking to him that he was in the medical care field. I brought the tape and gauze, asking him if he would rewrap my cut.
“You might want to consider some stitches and have that looked at. It looks deep and you could have cut some tendons.” He said.
“It’s a flesh wound and I am going to be fine.” I replied
“I’ll rewrap it, but I really think you should have that looked at. At least!” he wasn’t too happy that I was so nonchalant with my cut.
I went home and went about cleaning up the blood that I had left in the bathroom sink. The next day, I decided to go the VA clinic not too far from where I lived. That visit to the clinic didn’t go as well as I had planned.
The attendant looked at the wound, gave me a concerning look and asked, “..and you didn’t get stitches, why?”
“Cause it’s just a flesh wound? It stopped bleeding and it looks like it’s healing.” Nonchalance, again. The next statements were a repeat of the neighbor’s concern.
“You could have damaged tendons, or messed up some other things. You’re going to need your rabies, distemper tetanus shot. SHAROOOON!!!!” He yelled.
I’m thinking who the hell is Sharon? I found out immediately. A nurse showed up with a look of annoyance and looked directly at me. She had heard the entire exchange. What she said next was not my idea of fun.
“You’re going to need your tetanus, rabies, distemper injection. Nice job.”
Crap. Not what I was expecting. She came back with a HUGE NEEDLE...ok, not that big but it looked HUGE! She gave me the immunization and said that if I did something stupid like that, again, I’m going to need another one. Great! Not something I wanted to experience, again, any time soon.
After she was done torturing me with her needle, the attendant unwrapped my thumb and said that he was going to try and open the wound, scrub it and reapply a covering. When he opened the mess I had there, it looked like it was starting to heal and he wasn’t going to try and open it up. He cleaned it with something antiseptic smelling and applied new gauze and tape. When he was done doing that, he sat down and started to type at his terminal.
I decided to ask, “Are you closing this case out?”
“Yes, why do you ask?”
I decided to make the dumbest statement ever. “Because I haven’t even turned on a power tool, yet. This was just from removing a glass frame from the package.”
Sharon came back into the room and asked if I was doing this for a job.
“Nope, this is my hobby.” I never learn.
They both looked at me and said that I need to find another, SAFER hobby. Sharon rolls her eyes and leaves the room.
Attendant starts typing and says, “Patient states he will be back before the end of the week, and will need to have stitches, another rabies, distemper, tetanus shot, and will be advised to find a safer hobby.”
“Hey, that’s not fair. I won’t be back before the end of the week.” I opened my mouth and proceeded to insert both feet at once.
“OH! He’ll be back this coming weekend and need treatment for severe power tool injuries. Does that sound about right?” He sarcastically stated. (I Liked him!)
“UHHH, no! But thanks for playing. I’ll be more careful this time. Funny guy!” I replied to him.
I left the clinic feeling a bit sore from the shot and decided to start working on etching the glass with my dremel. I had just gotten all the tools out and was going to start, when my phone rang.
It was my sister. “I’ve tried to call you, where ya been?” She asked.
“At the clinic getting my thumb treated and wrapped.” BIG MISTAKE. DO NOT EVER tell Roberta what an idiot I am.
“Ok, genius..what did you do?” She asked. I began to tell her what I did with the glass and how I cut my thumb open. That was it. Here it comes.
“Ok, here’s my recommendation. Have you started any power tools?”
“NO” I said.
“You are NOT to start, turn on or power up any tools without someone else being around. In fact, bring all that stuff to my house and work on it here, so I can keep an eye on you. Jeez, David….what is wrong with you?”
I could list all the things I think is wrong with me but that would take too long and I don’t think she really wanted to hear it.
Last question she had: “ARE YOU WEARING A MASK?”
CRAAAAAP! “UM, NO.”
“Good God. If you’re etching glass you’ll be breathing in that glass dust and do damage to your lungs. Ok, you’re done for the day. DO NOT do anything more. Bring your stuff over to my house, work in the garage and for god’s sake BUY A DAMN MASK!!!! I’m not kidding…if I come over there and you are working on that glass, I’m going to hurt you….BAAAD! Don