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305 pages

English

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In a style that one reviewer has likened to 'Monty Python meets Terry Pratchett', the author continues his chronicles of the history of the Dogsbreath family with the exploits of the earliest known ancestor of the current Ivor Dogsbreath. Ivor the Dogsbreath, so called because of his rampant halitosis which he contracted at the age of five is an itinerant tinker who with the aid of a manky old cart, which is a family heirloom, plies his trade between the settlements of the plains. 'Persuaded' to team up with a giant barbarian warrior, a foul-mouthed little dwarf and a gay elf he sets off on a quest of vengeance and to rescue the Princess Poolipong from the clutches of the Dark Lord of Cumquat.Contains strong language and adult humour.'Keven Shevels introduced us to Ivor Dogsbreath in his contemporary comedy novel 'The Haddock Flies at Midnight'. Now in 'A Song of Ice and Haddock' he delves back into the anals (sic) of the family's history to bring us an epically hilarious fantasy tale of derring-do (or derring-don't in the case of the ancestor also called Ivor) a la Tolkien and George R. R. Martin.The book recounts the story of a group of brave, eclectic though sometimes rather inept warriors who set out to kill the Dark Lord of Cumquat and his crony, the formidable Red Witch, to help Colon the Barbarian avenge his brother's death. The company consists of a dwarf, an elf, three princesses, several Wildmen, a number of Wikings, various other assorted folk and Ivor, who isn't sure why he's there, doesn't want to be there and does his all to avoid doing anything that looks remotely brave. Will they eventually achieve their goal without the aid of a satnav in the face of such powerful magic or will the witch's love of a drop of the hard stuff on the side prove to be the Dark Lord's undoing. I'll leave you to find out.The author's zany style lends itself admirably to fantasy writing and I look forward to reading his forays into the other genres that he's promised us in the future, especially the crime thriller. If you too are a fan of the sublime and the ridiculous, you will probably love anything the author throws at you!'Love Reading.co.uk - the UK's No.1 book review website.The novel was granted the Love Reading 'Indie Books We Love' logo.

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Fantasy (canción de Mariah Carey)

Fantasy

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Publié par	Distributed by eBookpartnership
Date de parution	01 mars 2022
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781839784347
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0100€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

A Song Of Ice And Haddock
By
Keven Shevels
The right of Keven Shevels to be identified as the author of this book has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the written permission of Keven Shevels.
ISBN: 9781839784347
Copyright 2021 Keven Shevels
For Lyn
In a style that one reviewer has likened to Monty Python meets Terry Pratchett , the author continues his chronicles of the history of the Dogsbreath family with the exploits of the earliest known ancestor of the current Ivor Dogsbreath.
Ivor the Dogsbreath, so called because of his rampant halitosis which he contracted at the age of five is an itinerant tinker who with the aid of a manky old cart, which is a family heirloom, plies his trade between the settlements of the plains. Persuaded to team up with a giant barbarian warrior, a foul-mouthed little dwarf and a gay elf he sets off on a quest of vengeance and to rescue the Princess Poolipong from the clutches of the Dark Lord of Cumquat.
Contains strong language and adult humour.
Keven Shevels introduced us to Ivor Dogsbreath in his contemporary comedy novel 'The Haddock Flies at Midnight'. Now in 'A Song of Ice and Haddock' he delves back into the anals (sic) of the family's history to bring us an epically hilarious fantasy tale of derring-do (or derring-don't in the case of the ancestor also called Ivor) a la Tolkien and George R. R. Martin.
The book recounts the story of a group of brave, eclectic though sometimes rather inept warriors who set out to kill the Dark Lord of Cumquat and his crony, the formidable Red Witch, to help Colon the Barbarian avenge his brother's death. The company consists of a dwarf, an elf, three princesses, several Wildmen, a number of Wikings, various other assorted folk and Ivor, who isn't sure why he's there, doesn't want to be there and does his all to avoid doing anything that looks remotely brave. Will they eventually achieve their goal without the aid of a satnav in the face of such powerful magic or will the witch's love of a drop of the hard stuff on the side prove to be the Dark Lord's undoing. I'll leave you to find out.
The author's zany style lends itself admirably to fantasy writing and I look forward to reading his forays into the other genres that he's promised us in the future, especially the crime thriller. If you too are a fan of the sublime and the ridiculous, you will probably love anything the author throws at you!
Love Reading.co.uk - the UK s No.1 book review website.
The novel was granted the Love Reading Indie Books We Love logo.
Contents.
Chapter
Prologue.
1 The Prisoner In The Castle.
2 Memories.
3 An Elf By Another Name.
4 A Foul Mouthed Little Dwarf.
5 A Ragged Man.
6 Oops.
7 The Brief Pelican.
8 But Gran
9 A Little Bit Of Persuasion.
10 Dirty Goings On In A Dirty Cave.
11 A Village Called Arse End.
12 Gran Rides Again.
13 The Red Witch.
14 Gran Rides Once More.
15 That s An Awful Lot Of Dead Bodies.
16 Caught By The Wikings And It Didn t Half Make His Eyes Water.
17 The Wikings Get A Bum Deal.
18 The Road To Fell Down.
19 Mordor.
20 Spoilt Trifle.
21 Dogsbreath Meets A Dead Dog.
22 Parting Of The Ways.
23 The Wastes Of Eck.
24 Nepotism.
25 Shit, That Kid Is Ugly.
26 A Parrot Called Parrot.
27 A Pisspot On The Head Is Worth Two In The Bush.
28 The Sad Fate Of Mrs Clutterbuck s Vest.
29 What Tunnel?
30 Beneath The Castle.
31 In The Cage.
32 The Escape.
33 The Rescue.
34 Sometimes All You Want Is A Desert Warrior.
35 It Isn t Just Fishermen Who Dip Their Tackle In The Water.
36 Into The Woods With You.
37 If Bears Can Do It In The Woods Then Why Not Elves.
38 The Field Of The Dead.
39 The Battle That Never Was.
40 Everything Kicks Off.
41 What A Jolly Good War.
42 Aftermath.
About The Author.
What s Next.
Pricing.
Prologue.
It was a time when the world was still wild and young. A time when heroes and warriors walked the land and many were the songs sung about their mighty deeds. But above them all strode one colossus. A hero famed for his cunning and intelligence as well as his bravery and fighting ability. A hero the mention of whose name would silence the most raucous of taverns, but that would also bring hope to the downtrodden. A hero whose song would be sung throughout all time.
This is the song of that hero.
This is the song of Anal the Barbarian.
1.
The Prisoner In The Castle.
The two guards dragged the barely conscious warrior through the cold, stone corridors of the castle before throwing him down in front of the Dark Lord as he sat on the throne.
What is this interruption? bellowed the Dark Lord glancing up from the scroll in his hand.
Milord, said the taller of the two guards, we captured this warrior while he was attacking the castle.
How many attacked the castle and how many of them did you kill? snarled the Dark Lord.
Err well he was on his own milord, said the taller guard.
One man attacked the castle on his own? was the incredulous response from the Dark Lord. Either he was totally foolish or lift his head so that I can see his face, he said as he leaned forward. Grabbing the warrior s hair, the taller guard forced the captive s head back. Well, well. Anal the Barbarian, exclaimed the Dark Lord.
The two guards looked at each other. I m sorry Lord, but what did you say? asked the taller guard.
I said Anal the Barbarian , was the boomed response.
Both guards gulped then looked at each other before the taller guard gave a vicious nod to the shorter. Slowly and ever-so reluctantly the smaller guard dropped his britches while the taller guard struggled to raise the prisoner to his knees.
What the shit are you doing? screamed the Dark Lord.
Err what you ordered Lord, answered the shorter guard who at six foot six was only two inches shorter than the taller guard s six foot eight.
And what exactly did I order you to do? asked the Dark Lord sarcastically.
Well, err you said that I should anal the barbarian, stammered the shorter guard.
Anal the Barbarian is his name you stupid shits, yelled the Dark Lord.
Oh, that s a relief, replied the shorter guard with a visible sigh. He lifted his britches and the taller guard dropped the prisoner with a low thud. I ve never really been into that side of my sexuality and to be honest; from this angle he s not exactly pretty continued the shorter guard with a relieved look on his face.
Do you not recognise him? exclaimed the exasperated Dark Lord.
Sorry, no we didn t, apologised the shorter guard looking at his feet.
We don t get out much, exclaimed the taller guard thinking that some excuse was needed. What with all the guard duty and the rampaging
And the pillaging, interrupted the shorter guard.
Yes, and the pillaging, continued the taller guard. Well we don t get much chance of a social life and it s very difficult to keep up to date with current affairs.
Are you complaining? hissed the Dark Lord.
No milord. Certainly not milord, in fact we were only saying earlier this morning weren t we, and he nodded to the shorter guard, that we were very grateful to you for the wonderful employment opportunity that you ve given us.
And the on the job training is excellent, added the shorter guard.
Not to mention the pension scheme, said the taller guard.
Humph, snorted the Dark Lord, and turned his attention back to the pitiful prisoner.
Well, Anal, I see your much vaunted cunning hasn t deserted you even though it has become rather repetitive. I would hazard a guess that the master plan was to approach the castle, surrender yourself so that you would be imprisoned in the dungeon and then overnight you would break free and slaughter us all as we slept. A very clever plan, but having a superior brain to you I see right through it. And let s be honest it s not that difficult, after all you did exactly the same thing when you assassinated the Prince of Kamar and then again when you killed the Warlock of Bollux.
Where s Bollux? whispered the shorter guard.
Somewhere to the south, I think, whispered back the taller guard.
But as I say, continued the Dark Lord, somewhat repetitive. I would hazard that when confronted by you and your men he meekly gave himself up and surrendered, the last remark being aimed at the taller guard.
Err well err not exactly milord, stammered the taller guard. He killed fifty-seven of the castle guards.
Oh, said the Dark Lord a bit nonplussed. So how did you capture him?
Well his spear broke over the skull of Rork the Rampager then his sword got stuck between the ribs of Conan the Cun ..
Yes, interrupted the Dark Lord, I know Conan and yes he is. So when he had no weapon that s when he meekly surrendered.
Err urm no Lord. He ripped the arm off Ivan the Impaler and beat him to death with the bloody stump. He then pulled Dork the Destroyer limb from limb.
After that, added the shorter guard, he garrotted Colin the Considerate with Colin s own thong.
I thought that it was Colin the Contrary, whispered the taller guard.
It was. He changed it this morning, was the whispered reply.
Silence, bellowed the Dark Lord. So what did you do?
We err broke both his arms milord, answered the taller guard.
And I suppose that he then meekly surrendered, said the Dark Lord.
Um err no milord. He then kicked Tordid the Terrible and Blood Thirsty Dave to death.
Sorry milord, said the shorter guard shuffling his feet, but we never noticed the steel toecaps in his sandals.
I see, said the Dark Lord through gritted teeth. And what did you do then?
We broke both of his legs, said the taller guard, feeling that the conversation was rapidly catching the next coach to Bollux.