Leap Year of Limericks , livre ebook

Troubador Publishing Ltd - Fletcher David

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47 pages

English

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There was a keen lover named Claude Whose technique with women was flawedAnd that's why, you seeHe had turned sixty-threeBy the time he had finally scoredThis book does what it says on the tin - and more. It not only provides 366 original ribald rhymes, but with this armoury of new 21st century limericks, it also fights a rearguard action against the forces of political correctness, wokeness, unwarranted respect - and decency.Ideal for Baby Boomers, A Leap Year in Limericks is not for the faint-hearted...

Sujets

Poetry

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Publié par	Troubador Publishing Ltd
Date de parution	02 avril 2020
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781838595807
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0200€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

Copyright © 2020 David Fletcher

The moral right of the author has been asserted.

Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

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ISBN 978 1838593 599

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Matador is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd
There was a young girl named Simone
Who learnt a new use for her phone
It was lots of fun
But in more ways than one
It did rather bring down the tone
*
There was a young man called De Croix
Who was famed for the length of his bois
It extended so far
It would quite often star
As the lead in a ménage à trois
*
There was a young woman who saw
Her own husband procuring a whore
Well, unlike his grief
The procurement was brief
And so was the punch to his jaw
*
There was a young fellow called Tone
For whom girls were a virtual unknown
He was often attacked
For the sex that he lacked
But he’d learnt how to well hold his own
*
There was a young girl who was taught
That a sailor was worth less than nought
Oh, but strong rating Roy
And the shudder of joy
When his vessel docked in her home port!
*
There was a young girl who had sussed
That her principal draw was her bust
And she soon got to know
How to put it on show
With the help of a bra she could trust
*
There is a young woman called Joan
Who weighs in at eighty-eight stone
She once had a chap
(who went in with a map)
Whose location is now an unknown
*
There once was a man who relied
On a method much trusted and tried
When out on a date
He’d just ask for it straight
And if that didn’t work, he just cried
*
There was a young chappie called Harris
With a warhead the size of Polaris
And one hardly need say
That when brought into play
It would harden like plaster of Paris
*
There was a young girl from Port Rush
Who had grown the most beautiful bush
And just to be clear
What we’re talking ‘bout here
Is the sort that you’d prune and not brush
*
There once was a fellow from Lima
Who was known for the size of his steamer
In fact, I recall
That if measured ‘with ball’
It was almost as long as his femur…
*
There was a young man who suggested
His wife should be much bigger breasted
This advice was ill-thought
And I have to report
The divorce, it will not be contested
*
Young Jason was quite large below
But he knew there was some way to go
So, with infinite care
What he nurtured down there
In the end won the prized ‘best in show’
*
Young Edna liked custard and jelly
And most of the rubbish on telly
But what she liked more
Was to be on the floor
With a man bearing down on her belly
*
There was a young girl called Kincaid
Who took up a job as a maid
Her duties were light
But I hear every night
That her legs ended up widely splayed
*
There was a young fellow called Jake
Whose pride was his single-eyed snake
It was often at rest
But when put to the test
It could rise up and make women quake
*
There once was a lady whose backside
Was a little too much on the slack side
So she joined a small gym
For her bum so to slim
But her zeal was soon swapped for a backslide
*
There was a young lady called Jade
Whose appearance was sober and staid
But under that crust
Was a whole lot of lust
And a G-string of finely rubbed suede
*
There was a young fellow called Bonaparte
Who once tried to take his smart phone apart
But his being a dunce
It exploded at once
And that’s how his balls they were blown apart
*
There was a young man from Dunedin
Who once lost his licence for speedin’
And the losses went on
When his transport had gone
Coz he then lost the pot that he’d peed in
*
There was a young actor from Derby
Who just knew that one day he’d a star be
But his dreams came to nought
When one night he was caught
With a full-size inflatable Barbie
*
There was a young fellow called Porter
Who fancied an alchemist’s daughter
He wanted to hold her
And tightly enfold her
But more so to pestle her mortar
*
There was a young lady called Bess
Who quite simply drank to excess
And when she was tight
She would often invite
Different men to have fun up her dress
*
There was a young yeoman called Paul
Whose codpiece was desperately small
Yes, of room for his stuff
There was not quite enough
…so outside it hung one lonely ball
*
There was a young lady called Nicky
Who, with boyfriends, was not very picky
But much worse than this
Was, instead of a kiss
She’d quite often give them a quickie
*
There was a young tart called Marie
Who wanted more business, you see
So her calling card said
‘If you take me to bed
You can try one and get one for free’
*
There was a young man who would find
That he thought about sex as he dined
And the bigger the meal
Then the more that he’d feel
That he needed a (non-pepper) grind
*
There once was a fellow called Billy
Whose libido was just like Caerphilly
And that is to say
It soon crumbled away
And had little to do with his willy
*
There was a young girl called Atari
Who married a young, rich Qatari
It has to be said
He was piss-poor in bed
But he did own a big red Ferrari
*
There was a young chappie from Dallas
Who was noted for being quite callous
He was also a dick
As in ‘prize-winning prick’
So they called him the ‘mean-minded phallus’
*
There was a young woman called Linda
Who slept with a guy called Mahinder
Well, believe it or not
Our Lin was so hot
That his todger got burnt to a cinder
*
There was a young fellow called Janic
Whose member was truly titanic
And just like that ship
When it ‘went for a dip’
Its sinking could cause quite a panic
*
There was a young fellow called Sawyer
Who worked as a high-flying lawyer
But back on the ground
He just slithered around
In pursuit of his role as a voyeur
*
There was a young lady from Harrow
Who sold fruit and veg from a barrow
She married a man
(who sold from his van)
When she saw the huge size of his marrow
*
There was a young lassie from Lauder
Whose knickers were well out of order
They all failed to hide
What was lying inside
Coz they needed their gussets made broader
*
There was a young girl called Glendower
Who quite often peed in the shower
And over a year
I’ll tell you, my dear
It saved her well over an hour
*
There was a keen lover named Claude
Whose technique with women was flawed
And that’s why, you see
He had turned sixty-three
By the time he had finally scored
*
There was a young lady called Lulu
Who quite often wore a pink tutu
But that’s all she would wear
Which is why, I declare
Its pink matched the pink of her fufu
*
There was a young woman called Jane
Whose knickers were patterned not plain
With shorts that were white
And worn very tight
This choice was quite hard to explain
*
There was a young chappie from Crewe
Who of todgers had no less than two
So for years he looked out
For a girl kitted out
With a rare but compatible flue
*
There was a young chappie from Brighton
Whose balls would his girlfriends quite frighten
They did used to say
That his brother’s were grey
But he had one green an’ one white ‘un
*
There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who was blessed with a sizable schlong
So he took the full blame
For the fall-out that came
When he housed it in just a small thong
*
There once was a woman called Hilda
Who fell for a bloke from St Kilda
She so loved his looks
And his interest in books
And his part that so frequently filled her
*
The true love of Archibald Victor
Was elated when Archie first picked her
But when Archie’s ‘romance’
Sank to ‘take off yer pants’
She began to believe that he’d tricked her
*
There was a young chappie called Howard
Who quite often seriously glowered
The reason he did
Was a geezer called Sid
And the girlfriend who Sid had deflowered
*
There was a young girl from Bombay
Who fancied a pilot called Ray
She loved to be flown
– just the two on their own
And a joystick with which she could play
*
There is an old woman from Bude
Who pays to be slowly shampooed