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83 pages

English

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The Punch and Judy puppet show is a somewhat odd European tradition that dates back to the sixteenth century. Despite consisting largely of male protagonist Punch's violent killing spree, these puppet shows have long been regarded as classic children's entertainment. This strange ritual forms the thematic centerpiece of Puppets at Large, a knee-slappingly hilarious collection of short essays, stories, and vignettes from acclaimed British humor writer F. Antsey.

Sujets

Short story

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Publié par	The Floating Press
Date de parution	01 juillet 2012
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781775458111
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0134€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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PUPPETS AT LARGE
SCENES AND SUBJECTS FROM MR PUNCH'S SHOW
* * *
F. ANSTEY

*
Puppets at Large Scenes and Subjects from Mr Punch's Show First published in 1897 ISBN 978-1-77545-811-1 © 2012 The Floating Press and its licensors. All rights reserved. While every effort has been used to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information contained in The Floating Press edition of this book, The Floating Press does not assume liability or responsibility for any errors or omissions in this book. The Floating Press does not accept responsibility for loss suffered as a result of reliance upon the accuracy or currency of information contained in this book. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Many suitcases look alike. Visit www.thefloatingpress.com
Contents
*
Doing a Cathedral The Instantaneous Process; In the Cause of Charity The Classical Scholar in Reduced Circumstances Rus in Urbe Catching the Early Boat Society's Next Craze An Ideal Interviewer Saturday Night in the Edgware Road The "Model Husband" Contest The Courier of the Hague Feeling Their Way A Testimonial Manque The Model Democracy By Parliamentary The Farming of the Future A Dialogue on Art The Old Love and the New A Doll's Diary Elevating the Masses Bookmakers on the Beach 'Igher Up! At a Highland Cattle Auction The Country of Cockaigne
Doing a Cathedral
*
(A SKETCH FROM THE PROVINCES.)
The interior of Dulchester Cathedral. TIME— About 12.30. The Marchsunshine slants in pale shafts through the clerestory windows, leavingthe aisles in shadow. From without, the cawing of rooks and shouts ofchildren at play are faintly audible. By the West Door, a party ofIntending Sightseers have collected, and the several groups, feelingthat it would be a waste of time to observe anything in the buildinguntil officially instructed to do so, are engaged in eyeing one anotherwith all the genial antipathy and suspicion of true-born Britons.
A Stodgy Sightseer ( to his friend ). Disgraceful, keeping us standingabout like this! If I'd only known, I'd have told the head-waiter at the"Mitre" to keep back those chops till—
[ He breaks off abruptly, finding that the chops are reverberating from column to column with disproportionate solemnity; a white-haired and apple-faced verger rustles down from the choir and beckons the party forward benignantly, whereupon they advance with a secret satisfaction at the prospect of "getting the cathedral 'done' and having the rest of the day to themselves;" they are conducted to a desk and requested, as a preliminary, to put sixpence apiece in the Restoration Fund box and inscribe their names in a book.
Confused Murmurs. Would you put "Portico Lodge, Camden Road, or onlyLondon?"... Here, I'd better sign for the lot of you, eh?... They might provide a better pen—in a cathedral , I do think!... Hemight have given all our names in full instead of just "And party!"...Oh, I've been and made a blot—will it matter , should you think?... Inever can write my name with people looking on, can you ?... I'm sureyou've done it beautifully, dear!... Just hold my umbrella while I takeoff my glove, Maria.... Oh, why don't they make haste? &c., &c.
[ The STODGY SIGHTSEER fumes, feeling that, while they are fiddling, his chops are burning.
The VERGER. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will please to follow me,the portion of the building where we now are is part of the originalhedifice founded by Ealfrytha, wife of Earl Baldric, in the year height'undred heighty-height, though we 'ave reason to believe that an evenhearlier church was in existence 'ere so far back as the Romanoccupation, as is proved by a hancient stone receptacle recentlydiscovered under the crypt and hevidently used for baptismal purposes.
A SPECTACLED S. ( who feels it due to herself to put an intelligentquestion at intervals. ) What was the method of baptism among theEarly Christians?
The VERGER. We believe it to 'ave been by total immersion, Ma'am.
The SPECT. S. Oh? Baptists!
[ She sets down the Early Christians as Dissenters, and takes no further interest in them.
The VERGER. At the back of the choir, and immediately in front of you,is the shrine, formerly containing the bones of St. Chasuble, withrelics of St. Alb. ( An EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER snorts in disapproval. )The 'ollow depressions in the steps leading up to the shrine, which arestill visible, were worn away, as you see, by the pilgrims ascending ontheir knees. ( The party verify the depressions conscientiously, andclick their tongues to express indulgent contempt. ) The spaces betweenthe harches of the shrine were originally enriched by valuable gems andmosaics, all of which 'ave now long since disappeared, 'aving beenremoved by the more devout parties who came 'ere on pilgrimages. In thechapel to your left a monument with recumbent heffigies of BishopButtress and Dean Gurgoyle, represented laying side by side with clasped'ands, in token of the lifelong affection between them. The late Bishopused to make a rather facetious remark about this tomb. He was in the'abit of observing that it was the honly instance in his experience ofa Bishop being on friendly terms with his Dean. ( He glances round forappreciation of this instance of episcopal humour, but is pained to findthat it has produced a general gloom; the EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER, indeed, conveys by another and a louder snort, his sense that a Bishopought to set a better example. ) In the harched recess to your right, amonument in painted halibarster to Sir Ralph Ringdove and his lady,erected immediately after her decease by the disconsolate widower, witha touching inscription in Latin, stating that their ashes would shortlybe commingled in the tomb. ( He pauses, to allow the ladies of the partyto express a becoming sympathy—which they do, by clicks. ) Sir Ralphhimself, however, is interred in Ficklebury Parish Church, forty milefrom this spot, along with his third wife, who survived him.
[ The ladies regard the image of Sir Ralph with indignation, and pass on; the VERGER chuckles faintly at having produced his effect.
The EVANGELICAL S. ( snuffing the air suspiciously ). I'm sorry toperceive that you are in the habit of burning incense here!
[ He looks sternly at the VERGER, as though to imply that it is useless to impose upon him.
The VERGER. No, Sir, what you smell ain't incense—on'y the vaults afterthe damp weather we've bin 'aving.
[ The EVANGELICAL SIGHTSEER drops behind, divided between relief and disappointment.
A PLASTIC S. ( to the VERGER). What a perfectly exquisite rose-windowthat is! For all the world like a kaleidoscope. I suppose it dates fromthe Norman period, at least ?
The VERGER ( coldly ). No, Ma'am, it was only put up about thirty yearago. We consider it the poorest glass we 'ave.
The PLAST. S. Oh, the glass, yes; that's hideous, certainly. I meantthe—the other part.
The VERGER. The tracery, Ma'am? That was restored at the same time by alocal man—and a shocking job he made of it, too!
The PLAST. S. Yes, it quite spoils the Cathedral, doesn't it?Couldn't it be taken down?
The VERGER ( in answer to another Inquirer ). Crowborough Cathedralfiner than this, Sir? Oh, dear me, no. I went over a-purpose to 'ave alook at it the last 'oliday I took, and I was quite surprised to find'ow very inferior it was. The spire? I don't say that mayn't be 'igheras a mere matter of feet, but our lantern-tower is so 'appilyproportioned as to give the effect of being by far the 'ighest inexistence.
A TRAVELLED S. Ah, you should see the continental cathedrals. Why, our towers would hardly come up to the top of the naves of some ofthem!
The VERGER ( loftily ). I don't take no notice of foreign cathedrals,Ma'am. If foreigners like to build so ostentatious, all I can say is,I'm sorry for them.
A LADY ( who has provided herself with a "Manual of Architecture" and anunsympathetic COMPANION). Do notice the excessive use of theball-flower as a decoration, dear. Parker says it is especiallycharacteristic of this cathedral.
UNSYMPATHETIC COMPANION. I don't see any flowers myself. And if theylike to decorate for festivals and that, where's the harm?
[ The LADY WITH THE MANUAL perceives that it is hopeless to explain .
The VERGER. The dog-tooth mouldings round the triforium harches isconsidered to belong to the best period of Norman work—
The LADY WITH THE MANUAL. Surely not Norman ? Dog-tooth is Saxon, I always understood.
The VERGER ( indulgently ). You'll excuse me , Ma'am, but I fancy it's'erringbone as is running in your 'ed.
The LADY WITH THE M. ( after consulting "Parker" for corroboration, invain ). Well, I'm sure dog-tooth is quite Early English , anyway. ( Toher COMPANION.) Did you know it was the interlacing of the round archesthat gave the first idea of the pointed arch, dear?
Her COMP. No. But I shouldn't have thought there was so very much in the idea .
The LADY WITH THE M. I do wish you took more interest , dear. Look atthose two young men who have just come in. They don't look as ifthey'd care for carving; but they've been studying every one of theMiserere seats in the choir-stalls. That's what I like to see!
The VERGER. That concludes my dooties, ladies and gentlemen. You can goout by the South Transept door, and that'll take you through theCloisters. ( The Party go out, with the exception of the two 'ARRIES, who linger, expectantly, and cough in embarrassment. ) Was thereanything you wished to know?
FIRST 'ARRY. Well, Mister, it's on'y—er—'aven't you got some oldcarving or other 'ere of a rather—well, funny kind—sorter thing youon'y show to gentlemen , if you know what I mean?
The VERGER ( austerely ). There's nothing in this Cathedral forgentlemen o' your sort, and I'm surprised at your expecting of it.
[ He turns on his heel.
FIRST 'ARRY ( to Second ). I spoke civil enough to 'im , didn't I? Whatdid 'e want to go and git the fair 'ump about?
SECOND 'ARRY. Oh, I dunno. But you don't ketch me