Open To Doubt , livre ebook

Troubador Publishing Ltd - Marcus Achison

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178 pages

English

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An incredibly humorous book with the power to thrill, shock and inspire the reader whilst they tear with laughter. Open To Doubt is a laugh-out-loud collection of short humorous stories, adventure tales and spoof advertisements covering a wide variety of topics such as heroic behaviour, travel, monkey oil, the diary of Clovis Pumly and buttock maintenance, to name but a few! Compiled in the style of a magazine,Open To Doubt includes a collection of hilarious articles from 'Holiday Choices' by the none-too-bright reporter Barry Android, to 'News for Clowns', the most informative newsletter for the working idiot today. As well as articles on a variety of topics, this book also includes the hallmarks of a traditional magazine including notorious agony aunt Marjorie, recipe tips and advertisements for newly-opened restaurants to local attractions. The tales of high adventure will astound, the crime reports will startle and the informative advertisements will prove handy. Getting straight to the heart of the action,Open To Doubtis based on everyday life which has been tweaked, massaged and turned on its head.This collection is designed to be dipped into by the reader until overcome with laughter. You will be amazed, astonished and bewildered, but above all you won't be able to help but laugh.Open To Doubtis guaranteed to make you laugh and will appeal to readers looking for light comic relief.

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Short story

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Publié par	Troubador Publishing Ltd
Date de parution	28 mars 2017
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781788032322
Langue	English
Poids de l'ouvrage	1 Mo

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0200€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

Extrait

Open to Doubt

Copyright © 2017 Marcus Achison
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of research or private study, or criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, this publication may only be reproduced, stored or transmitted, in any form or by any means, with the prior permission in writing of the publishers, or in the case of reprographic reproduction in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency. Enquiries concerning reproduction outside those terms should be sent to the publishers.
Matador
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Wistow Road, Kibworth Beauchamp,
Leicestershire. LE8 0RX
Tel: 0116 279 2299
Email: books@troubador.co.uk
Web: www.troubador.co.uk/matador
Twitter: @matadorbooks
ISBN 978 1788032 322
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Matador is an imprint of Troubador Publishing Ltd
To Anne Wood.
Introduction
It’s the book you can’t put down. I’ve tried to put it down but I couldn’t. That’s why I’m still holding it. There’s a lot of interesting and very odd stuff in it, and I should know because I can’t put it down. There are very strange items about foreign travel, buttock maintenance, baboons, parasitic mind wasps and borstals. Other even more strange items inform us about goblins, unusual medical procedures, Yekky Doris and the truly repugnant Spawn Hog. You will find it hard to believe your very eyes when you read the pages of this truly startling book. You will read and reread the pages to try to comprehend the magnitude of the information contained therein.
Vera Mutance (Miss), Out and About Reporter for The Gubbenstery Examiner.
Contents
Mucky Nesbitt’s Giraffe and Wasp Hire
The Islands of Northern Dakota
Advanced Dentistry Tuition
News for Clowns
Top Band Announce Break Up: Guttural Phlegm Game to Split
Advertisement: Gubbenstery College
Reasonable Breakfast Opportunities
Ask Marjorie!
Community News: New Centre Opens
Aviation News
Exciting New Rabbit Recipes
Advertisement: Monkey Oil
The University of Gubbenstery Department of Advanced Porcine Chaos Theory
The Mystery of The Spawn Hog
Finance and Foreplay Tuition
Important Educational Report Ironball
Borstal News
Classified Rancid Eggs for Sale
Now Open!
Sports News: Calamity at the Gubbenstery Athletics Meeting
The Legend that is Agnes Bowhandle of the Wild West
Women’s Classified Products
World Famous Magician and his Assistant Bob Leopard and Cynthia Pompo
For the greatest day of your life
Outstanding Trouser Facilities
News Report: East Buntyside Pig and Mountain Lion Research Unit
If you enjoy a laugh, you’ll have a great day at The Funny Farm
Activities for the Young at Heart
Advertisement: Now Open to the Public
Football Round Up Gubbenstery and District
This Year’s Pub of the Year Winner The Cat and Dog Home Inn
Underwear Monitoring Equipment
Articles of Interest: Human Physiology: Part 1: The Mind
Special Announcement: Gubbenstery Climbing Team to Tackle Everest
Personal and Confidential Information
The Diary of Clovis Pumly (aged 35)
The Great Entertainers: No.1: Arthur Gallpod
Advertisement: The Reginald Pottage World of Adventure
Very Specific Vacancies
Special Enquiry Report Alleged Barbarity by Gubbenstery Police
Advertisement: Music Direct to You for Money
Amazing Lard-Based Enterprises
An East Buntyside Gazette Exclusive Attack of the Parasitic Mind Wasp
Forthcoming Attraction International Psychic
The story of Gotitty’s
Advertisement: Joobis and Jupty Supermarket
From the Chronicles of Desire and Wishy-washiness Stories of Love and Romance
Hencock and Cockhen Supermarket
Restaurant Reviews
Tales of Wonder and Amazement The Adventures of Pumper the Dog
Automobile and Pastry Events
Advertisement: Captain Kingussie’s Penis Powder!
The Diary of Peter Sensipanties (aged 35)
Items Free to a Good Home
New Album Reviews
Chemical Sanitisation Systems
Film Reviews
New Family Pub Opens The Buttered Nostril
Items of Wonder and Bewilderment
Crime Update: McAfferty Gang Arrested
The Story of Budgerigarfield Thompson
Gubbenstery Theme Pubs Guide
The Lifestyles of Interesting People No.1: Gary Basteroid
Bargains for All
Advertisement: New from Cubbity and Bollyoil
Gubbenstery News in Brief
General Safety Alert! New from Cubbity and Bollyoil
Steam-Powered Tights for Hire
News Alert Goblins Back in Scotland
Classified Starters and Main Courses
Unusual Animal Facts: Vol.1
Crime News Special The Trial of Mavis and Mabel Splemm
Advertisement: Whoopit & Darbox Medical Supplies
The Spanzino Medical Centre
Outdoor and Indoor Bargains
Crime News Update The Hunt for Ron Gasim and Keith Bem
Advertisement: Spizzly and Poheedron Fundament Care
Special Advance Announcement: Exhilarating New Board Games
Gubbenstery Theme Pubs Guide No. 2
Advertisement
Mucky Nesbitt’s Giraffe and Wasp Hire
In these austere days of doom and gloom, a good night out is a great distraction from the problems of everyday life. However, most parties consist of the same tired old acts. If it’s not strippers, it’s magicians or the despicable karaoke. Other acts such as cretin circuses, monkey wrestling, and nose jousting have been tried but proved to be too expensive. Now though, help is at hand with Mucky Nesbitt’s Giraffe and Wasp Hire . Mucky himself has developed special breeds of giraffes and wasps that are completely at home in human company and are nearly almost safe to handle within reason. Indeed, sometimes Mucky will ride home from his laboratory astride his favourite giraffe, Bimly Smith, while wearing a full beard of wasps, many of whom he knows by name. Mucky says this is a very relaxing and eco-friendly mode of transportation despite the abuse he receives from members of the public and the numerous arrests he has had for inappropriate possession of wild beasts in a town centre. Now these giraffes and wasps are available for hire at reasonable prices for birthday parties, leaving dos, bar mitzvahs and all manner of celebrations.
Prices start at £100.02 per giraffe per week and £100.01 per box of 500 raging wasps per day.
Wasps are supplied in a cardboard box (with breathing holes).
Giraffes are supplied in a larger cardboard box (with larger breathing holes).
Creature food is included in the price for an additional one-off payment of £39.
Candy floss and ice cream are supplied for the giraffes.
Flowers, anchovies and cheese puffs are supplied for the wasps.
“A real bargain, I thoroughly endorse Mucky’s products,” Ruth Squalid.
“Never again, I was stung from head to foot and had to use a flame thrower to quell the brutal onslaught of the angry wasps,” Ron Dubious.
“It was a nightmare. About fifty wasps went down my wife’s throat and the giraffe kicked my dog’s head off,” Rear Admiral Norbert (Nobby) Quazy.
“It’s a very odd concept but it worked for me, apart from the trampling and multiple stings,” Sir Quiggly Gramlington (Deceased).
“Don’t do it. I hired three giraffes and a thousand wasps for my son’s birthday. The wasps stung everyone in the house and then set up a nest in my frail great aunt’s mouth. All three giraffes stampeded and ended up in the attic after trampling my next-door neighbour to death. They had to be slaughtered by a passer-by,” Captain Doreen Stupefy (Mr).
“I didn’t know wasps ate cheese puffs,” Oscar de la McMillan.
“I much prefer bees and wildebeest,” Rory Tyrosine.
M. Nesbitt, Supplier of Items Various Ltd, 84 Bewilder Road, Spunley‑on‑Sea.
Holiday Choice
Recommends
The Islands of Northern Dakota
By our none-too-bright reporter Barry Android
This week, Holiday Choice recommends the beautiful Islands of Northern Dakota. This seldom visited vacation location is brimming with treats and things to do for the whole family. A speedy ten hour flight from Heathrow gets you to this delightful holiday destination. You will arrive refreshed at Gangpox International Airport on the dazzling island of Spewmarillow, the largest of the three magical islands of Northern Dakota. The other two islands, Spewmaglando and Spewmadando are nearby. Each island offers a wide range of activities and adventures and our intrepid reporter Barry Android went to find out more.
Spewmarillow
I arrived in Spewmarillow after a delayed 29-hour flight from Heathrow via Tokyo and Madagascar absolutely wrecked and dishevelled. The first thing I noticed on arrival was the intense heat and clouds of biting flies, and that was inside the terminal building. It appears that the airport was also being used as a veterinary clinic and builder’s merchant, which made it very messy and filled with a strange array of yells, squawks and screeches. When I set foot outside the airport the heat became even more intolerable. I checked the temperature gauge on my watch and it read a staggering 79oC, at midnight. I was being boiled alive so I had to immediately strip naked and throw my clothes away. I hailed a taxi and ordered the driver to take me to Wild Baby Cabins Resort, my home for the next two days. I noticed the cab driver was also naked and he told me the weather had cooled down quite a bit from the previous week. I found it hard to believe that it could get any hotter. The driver drove incredibly fast through the night for about sixteen hours before dropping me at my shanty town-style log cabin. It was now four in the afternoon and the intense, bludgeoning heat seemed to affect my eyesight and I couldn’t see properly, so I went straight to bed. When I awoke I was in a hospital bed surrounded by doctors and nurses and was hooked up to all sorts of bleeping machines. My eyesight seemed to be okay now and I noticed that all the doctors and nurses were naked. The consultant in charge, a Profe