Jest Book The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings , livre ebook

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pubOne.info present you this wonderfully illustrated edition. The Compiler of this new Jest Book is desirous to make known that it is composed mainly of old jokes, - some older than Joe Miller himself, - with a liberal sprinkling of new jests gathered from books and hearsay. In the course of his researches he has been surprised to find how many Jests, Impromptus, and Repartees have passed current, century after century, until their original utterer is lost in the "mist of ages"; a Good Joke being transferred from one reputed Wit to another, thus resembling certain rare Wines which are continually being rebottled but are never consumed. Dr. Darwin and Sir Charles Lyell, when they have satisfied themselves as to the Origin of Species and the Antiquity of Man, could not better employ their speculative minds than in determining the origin and antiquity of the venerable "joes" which have been in circulation beyond the remembrance of that mythical personage, "the Oldest Inhabitant.

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Publié par	Pub One Info
Date de parution	06 novembre 2010
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9782819940098
Langue	English
Poids de l'ouvrage	1 Mo

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The Jest Book

University Press: Welch, Bigelow, & Co.
The Jest Book
THE CHOICEST ANECDOTES AND SAYINGS
SELECTED AND ARRANGED BY
MARK LEMON

CAMBRIDGE
SEVER AND FRANCIS
1865
PREFACE.
The Compiler of this new Jest Book is desirous tomake known that it is composed mainly of old jokes, — some olderthan Joe Miller himself, — with a liberal sprinkling of new jestsgathered from books and hearsay. In the course of his researches hehas been surprised to find how many Jests, Impromptus, andRepartees have passed current, century after century, until theiroriginal utterer is lost in the “mist of ages”; a Good Joke beingtransferred from one reputed Wit to another, thus resemblingcertain rare Wines which are continually being rebottled but arenever consumed. Dr. Darwin and Sir Charles Lyell, when they havesatisfied themselves as to the Origin of Species and the Antiquity of Man , could not better employ their speculativeminds than in determining the origin and antiquity of the venerable“joes” which have been in circulation beyond the remembrance ofthat mythical personage, “the Oldest Inhabitant. ”
A true Briton loves a good joke, and regards it like“a thing of beauty, ” “a joy forever, ” therefore we may opine thatYorick's “flashes of merriment, which were wont to set the table ina roar, ” when Hamlet was king in Denmark, were transported hitherby our Danish invaders, and [Pg vi] descended toWamba, Will Somers, Killigrew, and other accredited jesters, untilMr. Joseph Miller reiterated many of them over his pipe andtankard, when seated with his delighted auditory at the BlackJack in Clare Market.
Modern Research has been busy with honest Joe'sfame, decreeing the collection of his jests to Captain Motley, whowrote short-lived plays in the time of the First and SecondGeorges; but the same false Medium has affected to discover thatDick Whittington did not come to London City at the tail of a roadwagon, neither was he be-ladled by a cross cook, and driven forthto Highgate, when Bow Bells invited him to return and make ventureof his Cat, marry Fitzalwyn's daughter, and be thrice Lord Mayor ofLondon, albeit it is written in City chronicles, that Whittington'sstatue and the effigy of his gold-compelling Grimalkin long stoodover the door of New Gate prison-house. We would not have destroyedthe faith of the Rising Generation and those who are to succeed itin that Golden Legend, to have been thought as wise as thePtolemies, or to have been made president of all the Dryasdusts inEurope. No. Let us not part with our old belief in honest JoeMiller, but trust rather to Mr. Morley, the historian of BartlemyFair, and visit the Great Theatrical Booth over against theHospital gate of St. Bartholomew, where Joe, probably, is to dance“the English Maggot dance, ” and after the appearance of “twoHarlequins, conclude with a Grand Dance and Chorus, accompaniedwith Kettledrums- and Trumpets. ” And when the Fair is over, and weare no longer invited to “walk up, ” let us march in the train ofthe great Mime, until he takes his ease in his inn, — the BlackJack aforesaid, — and laugh at his jibes and flashes of [Pg vii] merriment, before the Mad Wag shall besilenced by the great killjoy, Death, and the jester's booncompanions shall lay him in the graveyard in Portugal Fields,placing over him a friendly record of his social virtues.
Joe Miller was a fact, and Modern Research shall notrob us of that conviction!
The compiler of this volume has felt the importanceof his task, and diligently sought how to distinguish true wit fromfalse, — the pure gold from Brummagem brass. He has carefullyperused the Eight learned chapters on “Thoughts on Jesting, ” byFrederick Meier, Professor of Philosophy at Halle, and Member ofthe Royal Academy of Berlin, wherein it is declared that a jest “isan extreme fine Thought, the result of a great Wit and Acumen,which are eminent Perfections of the Soul. ” . . . “Hypocrites,with the appearance but without the reality of virtue, condemn fromthe teeth outwardly the Laughter and Jesting which they sincerelyapprove in their hearts; and many sincere virtuous Persons alsoaccount them criminal, either from Temperament, Melancholy, orerroneous Principles of Morality. As the Censure of such Personsgives me pain, so their Approbation would give me great pleasure.But as long as they consider the suggestions of their Temperament,deep Melancholy, and erroneous Principles as so many Dictates ofreal Virtue, so long they must not take it amiss if, while I reveretheir Virtue, I despise their Judgment. ”
Nor has he disregarded Mr. Locke, who asserts that“Wit lies in an assemblage of ideas, and putting them together withquickness and vivacity, whenever can be found any resemblance andcongruity whereby to make up pleasant pictures and agreeablevisions of fancy. ”
Neither has Mr. Addison been overlooked, who limitshis definition by observing that “an assemblage of Ideas [Pgviii] productive merely of pleasure does not constituteWit, but of those only which to delight add surprise. ”
Nor has he forgotten Mr. Pope, who declares Wit “toconsist in a quick conception of Thought and an easy Delivery”; northe many other definitions by Inferior hands, “too numerous tomention. ”
The result of an anxious consideration of thesevarious Opinions, was a conviction that to define Wit was like theattempt to define Beauty, “which, ” said the Philosopher, “was thequestion of a Blind man”; and despairing, therefore, of finding aStandard of value, the Compiler of the following pages has gatheredfrom every available source the Odd sayings of all Times, carefullyeschewing, however, the Coarse and the Irreverent, so that of theSeventeen Hundred Jests here collected, not one need be excludedfrom Family utterance. Of course, every one will miss some pet Jestfrom this Collection, and, as a consequence, declare it to bemiserably incomplete. The Compiler mentions this probability toshow that he has not been among the Critics for nothing.
" The gravest beast is an ass; the gravest bird isan owl;
The gravest fish is an oyster; and the gravestman is a fool ! "
says honest Joe Miller; and with that Apophthegm theCompiler doffs his Cap and Bells, and leaves you, Gentle Reader, inthe Merry Company he has brought together.
M. L.
THE JEST BOOK.
I.—THE RISING SON.
Pope dining once with Frederic, Prince of Wales,paid the prince many compliments. “I wonder, Pope, ” said theprince, “that you, who are so severe on kings, should be socomplaisant to me. ”— “It is, ” said the wily bard, “because I likethe lion before his claws are grown. ”
II.—SOMETHING FOR DR. DARWIN.
Sir Watkin Williams Wynne talking to a friend aboutthe antiquity of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was toldthat he was a mere mushroom of yesterday. “How so, pray? ” said thebaronet. “Why, ” continued the other, “when I was in Wales, apedigree of a particular family was shown to me: it filled fivelarge skins of parchment, and near the middle of it was a note inthe margin: ' About this time the world was created . '”
III.—A BAD EXAMPLE.
A certain noble lord being in his early years muchaddicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example bya gentleman, whose food was herbs and his drink water. “What!madam, ” said he, “would you have me to imitate a man who eatslike a beast, and drinks like a fish ? ”
IV.—A CONFIRMED INVALID.
A poor woman, who had attended severalconfirmations, was at length recognized by the bishop. “Pray, haveI not seen you here before? ” said his lordship. “Yes, ” repliedthe woman, “I get me conform'd as often as I can; they tell me itis good for the rheumatis . ”
V.—COMPARISONS ARE ODIOUS.
Lord Chancellor Hardwick's bailiff, having beenordered by his lady to procure a sow of a particular description,came one day into the dining-room when full of company, proclaimingwith a burst of joy he could not suppress, “I have been at Roystonfair, my lady, and I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship'ssize . ”
VI.—AN INSCRIPTION ON INSCRIPTIONS.
The following lines were written on seeing a farragoof rhymes that had been scribbled with a diamond on the window ofan inn:—
"Ye who on windows thus prolong your shames,
And to such arrant nonsense sign your names,
The diamond quit— with me the pencil take,
So shall your shame but short durationmake;
For lo, the housemaid comes, in dreadful pet,
With red right hand, and with a dishclout wet,
Dashes out all, nor leaves a wreck to tell
Who 't was that wrote so ill! — and loved sowell ! "
VII.—NO HARM DONE.
A man of sagacity, being informed of a seriousquarrel between two of his female relations, asked the persons ifin their quarrels either had called the other ugly? On receiving ananswer in the negative, “O, then, I shall soon make up the quarrel.”
VIII.—BEARDING A BARBER.
A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber'sshop in Glasgow to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms,and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. “Tippence, ”said the Highlander. “No, no, ” says the shaver; “I'll give you apenny, and if that does not satisfy you, take your broom again. ”The Highlander took it, and asked what he had to pay. “A penny, ”says Strap. “I'll gie ye a baubee, ” says Duncan, “and if thatdinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again. ”
IX.—CHANGING HIS COAT.
A wealthy merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting toa confidential friend that his daughter had eloped with one of hisfootmen, concluded, by saying, “Yet I wish to forgive the girl, andreceive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But thenhis condition; how can I introduce him? ”— “Nonsense, ” replied hiscompanion; “introduce him as a Liveryman of the city ofLondon . What is more honorable? ”
X.—GOOD ADVICE.
Lady — — spoke to the butler to be saving of anexcellent cask of small beer, and asked him how it might be bestpreserved. “I know no method so effectual, my lady, ” replied thebutler, “as placing a barrel