Complete Works of Artemus Ward - Part 2: War , livre ebook

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pubOne.info present you this new edition. You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these many dase gone and past. Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the Tomb of the Cappylets, tho I don't know what those is. It's a popler noospaper frase.

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Publié par	Pub One Info
Date de parution	06 novembre 2010
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9782819947189
Langue	English

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0050€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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PART II. WAR.
2.1. THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED.
You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for thesemany dase gone and past. Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the Tombof the Cappylets, tho I don't know what those is. It's a poplernoospaper frase.
Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may hereI've been among the Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by mylegitimit perfeshun, and havn't had no time to weeld my facilequill for “the Grate Komick paper, ” if you'll allow me to kotefrom your troothful advertisement.
My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrerscape of my life. If what I've bin threw is “Suthren hosspitality,” 'bout which we've hearn so much, then I feel bound to obsarvethat they made two much of me. They was altogether two lavish withtheir attenshuns.
I went amung the Seseshers with no feelins ofannermosity. I went in my perfeshernal capacity. I was actooated byone of the most Loftiest desires which can swell the human Buzzum,viz. :— to giv the peeple their money's worth, by showin themSagashus Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to say aironsurpast by any other statoots anywheres. I will not call that manwho sez my statoots is humbugs a lier and a hoss thief, but bringhim be4 me and I'll wither him with one of my scornful frowns.
But to proseed with my tail. In my travels threw theSonny South I heared a heap of talk about Seceshon and bustin upthe Union, but I didn't think it mounted to nothin. The politiciansin all the villages was swearin that Old Abe (sometimes called thePrahayrie flower) shouldn't never be noggerated. They also madefools of theirselves in varis ways, but as they was used to that Ididn't let it worry me much, and the Stars and Stripes continuedfor to wave over my little tent. Moor over, I was a Son of Maltyand a member of several other Temperance Societies, and my wife shewas a Dawter of Malty, an I sposed these fax would secoor me theinfloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. Alas! I wasdispinted. State arter State seseshed and it growed hotter andhotter for the undersined. Things came to a climbmacks in a smalltown in Alabamy, where I was premtorally ordered to haul down theStars & Stripes. A deppytashun of red-faced men cum up to thedoor of my tent ware I was standin takin money (the arternoonexhibishun had commenst, an' my Italyun organist was jerkin hissole-stirrin chimes. ) “We air cum, Sir, ” said a millingtary manin a cockt hat, “upon a hi and holy mishun. The Southern Eagle isscreamin threwout this sunny land— proudly and defiantly screamin,Sir! ”
“What's the matter with him? ” sez I; “don't hisvittles sit well on his stummick? ”
“That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all overthis Brite and tremenjus land! ”
“Wall, let him SCREAM. If your Eagle can amusehisself by screamin, let him went! ” The men anoyed me, for I wasBizzy makin change.
“We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of dooty— ”
“You're right, Capting. It's every man's dooty tovisit my show, ” said I.
“We air cum— ”
“And that's the reason you are here! ” sez I, larfinone of my silvery larfs. I thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv himsum of my sparklin eppygrams.
“Sir, you're inserlent. The plain question is, willyou haul down the Star-Spangled Banner, and hist the Southern flag!”
“Nary hist! ” Those was my reply.
“Your wax works and beests is then confisticated,& you air arrested as a Spy! ”
Sez I, “My fragrant roses of the Southern clime andBloomin daffodils, what's the price of whisky in this town, and howmany cubic feet of that seductive flooid can you individooallyhold? ”
They made no reply to that, but said my wax figgerswas confisticated. I axed them if that was ginerally the stileamong thieves in that country, to which they also made no reply,but said I was arrested as a Spy, and must go to Montgomry in iuns.They was by this time jined by a large crowd of other Southernpatrits, who commenst hollerin “Hang the baldheaded aberlitionist,and bust up his immoral exhibition! ” I was ceased and tied to astump, and the crowd went for my tent— that water-proof pavilion,wherein instruction and amoosment had been so muchly combined, at15 cents per head— and tore it all to pieces. Meanwhile dirty-faced boys was throwin stuns and empty beer bottles at my massivbrow, and takin other improper liberties with my person. Resistancewas useless, for a varity of reasons, as I readily obsarved.
The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smashinthem to attums. They then went to my money box and confisticatedall the loose change therein contaned. They then went and bust inmy cages, lettin all the animils loose, a small but helthy tigeramong the rest. This tiger has a excentric way of tearin dogs topeaces, and I allers sposed from his gineral conduck that he'd havno hesitashun in servin human beins in the same way if he could getat them. Excuse me if I was crooil, but I larfed boysterrusly whenI see that tiger spring in among the people. “Go it, my sweet cuss!” I inardly exclaimed. “I forgive you for bitin off my left thumwith all my heart! Rip 'em up like a bully tiger whose Lare has bininwaded by Seseshers! ”
I can't say for certain that the tiger serislyinjured any of them, but as he was seen a few days after, sum milesdistant, with a large and well selected assortment of seats oftrowsis in his mouth, and as he lookt as tho he'd been havin sumvilent exercise, I rayther guess he did. You will thereforeperceive that they didn't confisticate him much.
I was carried to Montgomry in iuns and placed indurans vial. The jail was a ornery edifiss, but the table waslibrally surplied with Bakin an Cabbidge. This was a good variety,for when I didn't hanker after Bakin I could help myself to thecabbige.
I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about,howsever, and I was very lonely, specially on the first day; sowhen the jailer parst my lonely sell I put the few stray hairs onthe back part of my hed (I'm bald now, but thare was a time when Iwore sweet auburn ringlets) into as dish-hevild a state aspossible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I cride: “Stay,jaler, stay! I am not mad, but soon shall be if you don't bring mesuthin to Talk! ” He brung me sum noospapers, for which I thankedhim kindly.
At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, thePresident of the Southern Conthieveracy. He was quite perlite, andaxed me to sit down and state my case. I did it, when he larfed andsaid his gallunt men had been a little 2 enthoosiastic inconfisticatin my show.
“Yes, ” sez I, “they confisticated me too muchly. Ihad sum hosses confisticated in the same way onct, but theconfisticaters air now poundin stun in the States Prison inInjinnapylus. ”
“Wall, wall Mister Ward, you air at liberty todepart; you air friendly to the South, I know. Even now we hav manyfrens in the North, who sympathize with us, and won't mingle withthis fight. ”
“J. Davis, there's your grate mistaik. Many of uswas your sincere frends, and thought certin parties amung us wasfussin about you and meddlin with your consarns intirely too much.But J. Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the piece of dry- goodscalled the Star-Spangled Banner, the North gits up and rises enmassy, in defence of that banner. Not agin you as individooals, —not agin the South even— but to save the flag. We should indeed beweak in the knees, unsound in the heart, milk-white in the liver,and soft in the hed, if we stood quietly by, and saw this glorusGovyment smashed to pieces, either by a furrin or a intestine foe.The gentle-harted mother hates to take her naughty child across herknee, but she knows it is her dooty to do it. So we shall hate towhip the naughty South, but we must do it if you don't make backtracks at onct, and we shall wallup you out of your boots! J.Davis, it is my decided opinion that the Sonny South is makin aegrejus mutton-hed of herself! ”
“Go on, sir, you're safe enuff. You're two smallpowder for me! ” sed the President of the SouthernConthieveracy.
“Wait till I go home and start out the BaldinsvilleMounted Hoss Cavalry! I'm Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J.Davis, beware! Jefferson D. , I now leave you! Farewell my gaySaler Boy! Good-bye, my bold buccaneer! Pirut of the deep blue sea,adoo! adoo! ”
My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on my wayhome was thrillin enuff for yeller covers. It will form the subjeckof my next. Betsy Jane and the projeny air well.
Yours respectively,
A. Ward.
2.2. THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE.
I had a narrer scape from the sonny South. “Theswings and arrers of outrajus fortin, ” alluded to by Hamlick,warn't nothin in comparison to my trubles. I come pesky nearswearin sum profane oaths more'n onct, but I hope I didn't do it,for I've promist she whose name shall be nameless (except that herinitials is Betsy J. ) that I'll jine the Meetin House atBaldinsville, jest as soon as I can scrape money enuff together soI can 'ford to be piuss in good stile, like my welthy nabers. Butif I'm confisticated agin I'm fraid I shall continner on in mypresent benited state for sum time.
I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes inmy tower from Montgomry to my humsted, and on sevril occasions Ithought “the grate komick paper” wouldn't be inriched no more withmy lubrications. Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson D. I started forthe depot. I saw a nigger sittin on a fence a playin on a banjo,“My Afrikan Brother, ” sed I, coting from a Track I onct red, “youbelong to a very interestin race. Your masters is goin to warexcloosively on your account. ”
“Yes, boss, ” he replied, “an' I wish 'em honorablegraves! ” and he went on playin the banjo, larfin all over andopenin his mouth wide enuff to drive in an old-fashioned 2 wheeledchaise.
The train of cars in which I was to trust mywallerable life, was the scaliest, rickytiest lookin lot ofconsarns that I ever saw on wheels afore. “What time does thisstring of second-hand coffins leave? ” I inquired of the depotmaster. He sed direckly, and I went in & sot down. I