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243 pages

English

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FOTUS is a political satire that takes place in a futuristic America, in which Alexander Rett, a self-aware talking embryo, defies medical science, runs to become President from within the womb, wins, and during his first few amazing months as leader of the Free World, coins himself the Fetus of the United States (FOTUS). Without even a fully developed brain yet, the fetus embraces the role with an unorthodox sense of humor; he participates in presidential debates, helps pass important national bills, oversees domestic and international affairs, and even runs his own Twitter account where he continually engages in political quarrels-all through a window in his mother's stomach, an intercom to the outside world, and his cell phone. The nuanced storyline, although seemingly inconceivable, touches on conflicting views on various issues-civil rights, gun control, abortion-that are topical in the political climate of modern-day America. FOTUS is joined in his bureaucratic ventures by a myriad of animated characters, including his White House personal secretary, chief of staff, press secretary, chief intern, personal bartender, and, of course, his parents. FOTUS is an outlandish yet relevant take on contemporary politics and what it's like to be President with the entire world watching and criticizing your every move, narrated by the inquisitive, ambitious, anything-but-boring mind of an unborn child.

Sujets

Humour

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Publié par	Bancroft Press
Date de parution	14 janvier 2020
Nombre de lectures	2
EAN13	9781610884914
Langue	English

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Extrait

Kevin Kunundrum
Copyright 2019. All rights reserved.
This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events, people, or institutions is purely coincidental.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by electronic means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote passages in a review.
Cover and Interior design: Tracy Copes
Published by Bancroft Press
“Books that Enlighten”
410-358-0658
P.O. Box 65360, Baltimore,
MD 21209 410-764-1967 (fax)
www. Bancroftpress. Com
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN 978-1-61088-489-1 Hardcover
ISBN 978-1-61088-490-7 Paperback
“The people will not revolt. They will not look up from their screens long enough to notice what’s happening.” —George Orwell, 1984
Sometime in the very near future…
CONTENTS
PART ONE: THE RISE
PART TWO: 94 NOT 95
PART THREE: THE FALL
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PART ONE
THE RISE
“ Cerebro inane gaudium impleatur .” —Alexander Jackson Rett

1
I saw how it is out there. Out there it’s a mess, a nightmare, a disaster.
But in here, inside, it’s safe. It’s the safest place on Earth.
2
Of course I didn’t see , not at first. It’s not like the womb is well-lit. Okay, some backtracking is in order. Consider this my memoir, from me to you via the minuscule keyboard display on my minusculer (is that a word?) smartphone. I thought about getting a laptop, but being a fetus in the womb, I don’t have much of a lap. And since I’m not going to exit this personal Nirvana anytime soon, the smartphone is just fine. And not surprisingly, having tiny prenatal hands with even tinier prenatal fingers, I can race over the keyboard like an Olympian, like Usain Freakin’ Bolt, my fingers a veritable blur! So I guess we’ve reached the point in human evolution where being “all thumbs” is a good thing, and where the most perfect, indisputable, unassailable, infallible leader to ever occupy the once unsullied office of President of the United States has been realized. The fetus. Yours truly.
And yeah, my parents did give me a name, although technically it’s unofficial, since I’m stubbornly prenatal. And sure, the only reason I got elected was because I’m a fetus. Duh! I played that “fetus card” every chance I got. Wouldn’t you? Because Americans love the fetus. Hell, they even amended the ol’ Constitution on its behalf! Never underestimate Republicans. They’ll do whatever it takes. And they knew that a good chunk of God-fearing Americans from that infamous basket of deplorables hate Mallory Blitzen, as in passionately detest, and they’d vote for anyone, including a fetus, instead of her. So, lucky me!
And being born is overrated. It’s no wonder babies cry their everlovin’ heads off once they open their eyes and see what fresh hell they’ve emerged into. Paradise Lost (no shit!), because allvusudden you have to do things, like walk and talk and go to college and get a job and be like everybody else. Arrgghh! And for those of you grammar Nazis or whiny liberals who bristled at me ending one of the above sentences in a preposition… well, guess who’s the President? Moi! That’s right, muthafucka! Guess who can publicly Tweet yer ass into submission and have the IRS audit you and have Homeland Security deport your family and have a drone send an MX missile up your butt… Moi as well. So don’t fuck with the Big Cheese. Besides, I’m unstable. I mean, by definition. They say a woman’s brain isn’t fully developed until her early twenties, and a man’s brain, like fifty-seven or something. Me? I’m a freaking fetus! (And a white male fetus at that.) So when I’m a bit, how shall I say, impulsive, what do you expect?
[The intercom buzzes…]
“Mr. President…”
It’s Gladiola Gaze, my trusty personal secretary.
“Yes Gladdy?”
“Sir, your intern is here.”
“Intern?”
“You know, Brayden Carter…”
“Who?”
“You know, that thin young Black fellow…”
“Hmm?”
The next part she whispers: “Tall Skinny Sad-Sack…”
“Oh yes! Send him in.”
Tall Skinny Sad-Sack, otherwise known as Brayden Carter, is my pet project. He was first in his class from kindergarten through high school, but he was dirt poor and scholarships only go so far, and anomalously, he possessed no athletic ability whatsoever. But he wrote some op-ed about our educational system from an African-American Millennial’s POV and the frickin’ Washington Post printed it. Of course I never read the Post . But this Congressman to whom I owed a favor said he thought he’d make a good intern and it would be nice to give the kid a break. So we had all these photo ops and it was great PR and I got on the cover of Time or Newsweek (I always get them confused) with Tall Skinny Sad-Sack. And now the Black Caucus owes me a favor and my approval rating went up four points.
“Mr. President,” he says, as he looms above me like a lanky African-American flagpole.
“Um…”
“Brayden, sir.”
“Yes, Brayden!” I smile. “What have you got for me today?”
“Well, sir, there’s that thing with Todd-Krank.”
“Todd who?”
“Todd-Krank, sir. The banking bill …”
“Oh yes. Don’t worry about that one.”
“Oh?” He’s momentarily taken aback. “Okay, sir.”
“Anything else?”
“Well, sir, as per your request, I’ve been liaising with the Secretary of Education regarding the proposed cuts in funding, vis-à-vis teacher’s salaries conflicting with the Dafoe bill.”
I love this kid!
“Okay. Sounds good,” I say.
The Dafoe bill is named for that actor who I appointed Secretary of Education, Willem Dafoe, who I loved in Platoon and whose bill is now before Congress. The bill wants to condense the twelve years of first grade through high school into a solid seven-year block of continuous schooling, 52 weeks a year, with no summer vacations, so students will be finished by the time they’re 12 or 13. This way they can either apply to college or go directly to work in one of the many factories or “labor camps” that have opened up, thanks to my “ Buy America ” initiative. Either that or the revitalized Coal Industry. The bill has many detractors, but in its defense, it keeps kindergarten intact!
“Anything else, Brandon?”
“Brayden, sir.”
“Yes of course.”
“Well, um, I guess not.”
“Excellent, Brendan. Keep up the good work.”
“Yes sir.”
I love that kid. So where was I? Oh yes! Speaking of impulsive, I gotta attend some important cabinet meeting or something where the fate of millions of poor bastards rests on my capricious, uninformed decision. But first , time for some Tweets!
Alexander Jackson Rett @realAlexRett
Mallory Blitzen, you lost fare and square. I got the Electrical College! You stole 3 mill pop votes but I won it anyway! The hole enchillata plus a taco! Eat it! Loser!!!
Alexander Jackson Rett @realAlexRett
The Dafoe Bill will make America grater again by consintrating all the nolledge into all the students brains so we can be competitiv agian on world stage!!!
Alexander Jackson Rett @realAlexRett
Anybody who apposes Dafoe Bill is a dummy who wants to keep America dummer! Dont you care about are children and the futur of America? Dummies!!!
Alexander Jackson Rett @realAlexRett
And Secretary of Education Dafoe is also a grate actor and if you dont like it hell go all Sargent Barns on your a#@ so sapport the Dafoe Bill. Ya big DUMMY!!!
Alexander Jackson Rett @realAlexRett
Speaking of Platoon which is a tremendus movie I recommend it, support my Automatic Weapons in Schools Bill unless your a terorist and you want are kids 2 die!!!
3
Later that day at the televised White House press conference …
[White House Press Secretary Wiley DeSembler stands behind the podium before a throng of journalists as they clamor for his attention…]
Journalists: [en masse] Wiley! Wiley! Wiley!
Wiley: [points to one up front…]
Lyle: [stands up…] Albert Lyle, USA Tomorrow …
Wiley: Yes…
Lyle: With the President getting his way today with the destruction of Todd-Krank, isn’t this giving a big green light to the same reprehensible practices that brought about the financial collapse of ’08 that devastated millions and had worldwide repercussions?
Wiley: One is not related to the other.
Lyle: [incredulous] What ?! The sole purpose of Todd-Krank was to…
Wiley: Listen, Sparky, in the words of that great President, Woodrow Coolidge, the business of America is business .
Crowd: Yes! Yes!
Lyle: Don’t you mean, Calvin …
Wiley: Woodrow Calvin ? I don’t think so. Next… [points…]
Raditz: [stands…] Richard Raditz, Guns & Grenades …
Wiley: Yes, Dick…
Raditz: Isn’t it true that Todd-Krank was getting in the way of financial progress by handcuffing the bankers, which severely limited their…
Lyle: [irate] They should be put in handcuffs!
Crowd: Boo!
Wiley: Yes, Todd-Krank was a gross impediment to financial progress. I mean, do you want the Chinese to come over here and buy up our country right out from under our noses?
Raditz: They already are!
Wiley: See what I mean?
Crowd: Yes! Yes!
Wiley: [points to another…]
Gossage: [stands…] Richard Gossage, High-Powered Rifle Magazine …
Wiley: Good to see you, Rich.
Gossage: You too. [smiles] So with the dismantling of Todd-Krank… and might I say, good riddance!
Crowd: Amen!
Wiley: Yes, Rich…
Gossage: My question is, will this free up the President to focus on his Automatic Weapons in Schools bill?
Wiley: Yes indeed! [cheers from the crowd…] And we can get back to the important issues! [more cheers…]
Hoffman: Trevor Hoffman, Breitbart …
Wiley: Trevor… Nice to see you.
Hoffman: You too, Wiley. So what’s the hold-up with the AWS ?
Wiley: What do you think? The left-wing knuckle-draggers who don’t care about the safety of our kids.
Crowd: Yes!
Quisenberry: Preposterous! How can you speak of safety when you want to bring AK-47s into our schools?
Crowd: [resounding boos…]
Wiley: Who are you again?
Quisenberry: Dana Quisenberry, Modern Vegan .
Wiley: Modern Vegan ? Ha!