Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 100, January 24, 1891
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| Publié par | soos |
| Publié le | 08 décembre 2010 |
| Nombre de lectures | 23 |
| Langue | English |
| Poids de l'ouvrage | 1 Mo |
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The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., Jan. 24, 1891., by Various This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.net Title: Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 100., Jan. 24, 1891. Author: Various Release Date: July 10, 2004 [EBook #12872] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
Produced by Malcolm Farmer, William Flis, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Vol. 100.
January 24, 1891.
MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS. No. XII.—THE MATE OF THE MARLINSPIKE. (BySHARK MUSSELL;Author of "Erect with a Stove in Her," "My Gyp made to wheeze," "The Romance of a Penny Parlour," "A Hook for the Bannock," "Found the Gal on Fire," "The Mystery of the Lotion Jar," "The Jokes o' Lead," &c., &c., &c.)
["Here you are, my hearty," writes the Author, "this is a regular briny ocean story, all storms and thunderclaps and sails and rigging and soaring masts and bellying sails. How about 'avast heaving' and 'shiver my timbers,' and 'son of a sea-cook,' and all that? No, thank you; that kind of thing's played out. MARRYAT was all very wellin h i s day, aboutbut that day's gone. The public requires stories merchant ships, and, by Neptune, the public shall have them, with all kinds of hairy villains and tempest-tossed wrecks and human interest and no end of humour, likewise word-pictures of ships and
storms. That's me. So clear the decks, and here goes."]
CHAPTER I.
We were in mid-ocean. Over the vast expanses of the oily sea no ripple was to be seen although Captain BABBIJAM kept his binoculars levelled at the silent horizon for three-quarters of an hour by the saloon clock. Far away in the murky distance of the mysterious empyrean, a single star flashed with a weird brilliance down upon the death-like stillness of the immemorial ocean. Yet the good oldMarlinspikewas rolling from side to side and rising and falling as if the liquid expanse were stirred by the rush of a tempest instead of lying as motionless as a country congregation during the rector's sermon. Suddenly Captain BABBIJAM closed his binoculars with an angry snap, and turned to me. His face showed of a dark purple under his white cotton night-cap. "The silly old ship," he muttered, half to himself and half to me, "is trying to make heavy weather of it; but I'll be even with her. I'll be even with her." "You'll find it a veryoddthing to do," I said to him, jocosely. He sprang at me like a seahorse, and reared himself to his full height before me. "Come, Mr. TUGLEY," he continued, speaking in a low, me a n i n g voice, "can you take a star?" "Sometimes, I answered, " humouring his strange fancy; "but there's only one about, and it seems a deuce of a long way off—however, I'll try;" and, with that, I reached my arm up in the direction of the solitary planet, which lay in the vast obscure like a small silver candlestick, with a greenish tinge in its icy sparkling, mirrored far below in the indigo flood of the abysmal sea, while a grey scud came sweeping up, no one quite knew whence, and hung about the glossy face of the silent luminary like the shreds of a wedding veil, scattered by a honey-moon quarrel across the deep spaces far beyond the hairy coamings of the booby-hatch. "Fool!" said the Captain, softly, "I don't mean that. If you can't take a star, can you keep a watch?" "Well, as to that, Captain," said I, half shocked and half amused at his strange questionings, "I never take my own out in a crowd. It's one of DENT's best, given me by my aunt, and I've had it for nigh upon—" But the Captain had left me, and was at that moment engaged on his after-supper occupation of jockeying a lee yard-arm, while the first mate, Mr.
SOWSTER, was doing his best to keep up with his rough commanding officer by dangling to windward on the flemish horse, which, as it was touched in the wind and gone in the forelegs, stumbled violently over the buttery hatchway and hurled its venturesome rider into the hold.
CHAPTER II.
On the following morning we were all sitting in the palatial saloon of the Marlinspike. We were all there, all the characters, that is to say, necessary for the completion of a first class three-volume ocean novel. On my right sat the cayenne-peppery Indian Colonel, a small man with a fierce face and a tight collar, who roars like a bull and says, "Zounds, Sir," on the slightest provocation. Opposite to him was his wife, a Roman-nosed lady, with an imperious manner, and a Colonel-subduing way of curling her lip. On my left was the funny man. As usual he was of a sea-green colour, and might be expected at any moment to stagger to a porthole and call faintly for the steward. Further down the table sat two young nincompoops, brought on board specially in order that they might fulfil their destiny, and fill out my story, by falling in love with the fluffy-haired English girl who was sitting between them, and pouting equally and simultaneously at both. There was also the stout German who talks about "de sturm und der vafes." And beside him was the statuesque English beauty, whose eyes are of the rich blackness of the tropic sky, whose voice has a large assortment of sudden notes of haughtiness, while the studied insolence of her manner first freezes her victims and then incontinently and inconsistently scorches them. Eventually her proud spirit will be tamed, probably by a storm, or a ship-wreck, or by ten days in an open boat. I shall then secure your love, my peerless ARAMINTA, and you will marry me and turn out as soft and gentle as the moss-rose which now nestles in your raven tresses. The Colonel was speaking. "Zounds, Sir!" he was saying. "I don't know what you mean by effects. All mine are on board. What do you say, Mr. TUGLEY?" he went on, looking at me with a look full of corkscrews and broken glass, while his choleric face showed of a purple hue under the effort of utterance. "Well, Colonel," I replied, in an off-hand way, so as not to irritate him, "I keep my best effects here;" and, so saying, I produced my note-book, and tapped it significantly. "What, for instance, do you say to this?" But, what follows, needs another chapter.
CHAPTER III.
I found the place in my notebook, cleared my voice, and began. "The ship was sailing gloriously under a press of canvas. Her foretopgallant-sail swelled to its cotton-like hue out of the black shadow of its incurving. High aloft, the swelling squares of her studding-sails gleamed in the misty sheen of the pale luminary, flinging her frosty light from point to point of the tapering masts, which rose, rose, rose into the morning air, as though with intent to pierce the glowing orb of day, poised in the heavens like one vast ball of liquid fire. Through the wind-hushed spaces of the canvas, where the foretopmaststay-sail—"
"I know that foretopmaststay-sail," said the funny man, suddenly. I withered him with a look, and turned over the page. "Here," I said, "is another tip-topper. What do you think of this for a storm? —'The liquid acclivities were rising taller, and more threatening. With a scream of passion the tortured ship hurled itself at their deep-green crests. Cascades of rain, and hail, and snow, were dashing down upon her unprotected bulwarks. The inky sky was one vast thunder-clap, out of which the steely shaft of an electric flash pierced its dazzling path into the heart of the raving deep. The scud—' "I know that scud," said a hateful voice. But, before I could annihilate its owner, the pale face of Mr. SPILKINGS, with his dead-eyes turned in, dashed breathlessly into the saloon. "By all that's holy," he shouted, "the Captain's gone mad, and the crew have thrown off all disguise. We are manned by ourang-outangs!"
CHAPTER IV.
Never shall I forget the horrors of the scene that ensued. We clewed up the mizzen royal, we lashed the foretop to make it spin upon its heels. The second dog watch barked his shins to the bone, and a tail of men hauled upon the halliards to mast-head the yard. Nothing availed. We had to be wrecked and wrecked we were, and as I clasped ARAMINTA's trustful head to my breast, the pale luminary sailing through the angry wrack glittered in phantasmal splendour on the scud which— [Here the MS. ends unaccountably.—ED.Punch.]
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AN INTERESTED PARTY.
St. Bernard's Dog (confidentially to Mr. Chaplin). "NEVER MIND THE OLD WOMAN; LET'S KEEP THE MUZZLE ON FOR A YEAR, AND HAVE DONE WITH IT!"
CANINE CONFIDENCES.
Clever Dog, to the Minister of Agriculture, loquitur—
POTTERER, put the muzzle on! Potterer, take it off again! Thatis not the way, my friend, cruelrabiesto restrain. Take my tip! As to self-styled "friends of dogs," too preposterous by half, Who object to all restraint, they deserve on seat or calf
One sharp nip. It isdoggishinterest hydrophobia to stamp out; 'Tis a curse to us canines; that no person well can doubt Who has sense. They who think we doggies share old maid's sentimental fad, Just as though it really were a dog'sprivilegeto go mad, Must be dense. Muzzles are a bore, of course, rather troublesome at times, But I'd rather have my nose made incapable of crimes, Than go free, With the chance of "going off," giving friend or foe a bite. And be clubbed to death or shot, murdered in my master's sight, Don't suitme! Never mind the fussy frumps, the old women of each sex; Better raise their ready wrath than the prudent public vex With crass rules. Muzzles now and collars then, partial orders soon relaxed; Men rebel when with caprice they are tied, or teased, or taxed, Else they're fools. Keep the muzzles on a year, regularly, andall round, Every doggy of high breed, mongrel puppy, whelp or hound, Will give thanks To the Minister who tries hydrophobia to stamp out Once for all o'er all the land, with consistency, and without Pottering pranks! Mr. CHAPLIN, take my tip! Science speaks in the same sense, So does true philanthropy. Ought to have effect immense, What they say. Heed not that old woman there, with her spoilt and yelping pet; I for every dog ofnousin the country speak, you bet. Try!Good-day! [Trots out, comfortably muzzled.
MOST APPROPRIATE.—We see, from some recently-reported proceedings, that the present Inspector appointed under the Infant Life Protection Act is "Mr. BABEY."
THE SECRETS OF LITERARY COMPOSITION. The Fair Authoress of "Passionate Pauline," gazing fondly at her own reflection, writes as follows:— "I look into the glass, Reader. What do I see? "I see a pair of laughing,espiègle, forget-me-not blue eyes, saucy and defiant; amutine little rose-bud of a mouth, with its ever-mockingmoue; a tiny shell-like ear, trying to play hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold; while, from underneath the satin folds of arose-thé a dainty foot peeps dressing-gown, coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper," &c., &c. (Vide "Passionate Pauline," by Parbleu.)
A COMING MEETING.
(Reported from the Railway Intelligence of 1892.)
The Chairman, who on opening the proceedings was received with a feeble chorus of melancholy groans, said that he feared he had no better Report to make to the shareholders. ("Oh! oh!") It is true that he had one fact to mention, which was a matter of supreme congratulation, and he needn't say that that was that they hadn't yielded a single inch to the men. ("Oh! oh!" and a Voice, "Oh! we've had enough of 'that'!") front is also true that this firm and unflinching It had necessitated some sacrifice, and had involved the Company in no little difficulty. (Prolonged groans.He was sorry to note these manifestations, for he) had not only to announce to that meeting the non-payment of any dividend, even to the holders of the Company's Debenture Stock, but he had further to inform them, that, owing to some difficulty in settling the account of their coal contractors, these last had taken proceedings against them, and had seized not
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only all the contents of their refreshment-rooms, but also the whole of their rolling-stock. (Prolonged wailing. that the last two engines say) He grieved to that the Company possessed, and which they had up to now hidden in the cloak-room at the Edinburgh terminus, were unfortunately discovered and seized last night. (Groans. able to of being) Still, the Company did not despair carry on, at least, a portion of the Passenger Traffic (Feeble laughter.) They might meet the statement with a manifestation of ridicule—but such was the case. It was with a sense of pride in their method of triumphing over difficulties, that he announced to the meeting, that a train of cattle-trucks would be started for the North daily at twelve o'clock, the motive power of which would be the Directors themselves. ("Oh! oh!") about could not say anything Theythe pace at which the train would travel, but that,with time, it would do the distance he had little, if any doubt. It is true that in a similar experiment on a neighbouring line the train came to a dead halt in the first tunnel, and the passengers had to descend in the dark and grope their way out to the nearest station as well as they could, but this unsatisfactory experience would in no way deter them from making the experiment on their own behalf. (Jeers.) He was sorry to see that the ordinary stock of the Company, which, a twelvemonth since, had touched 128-3/8,—could not now find purchasers in the Market at 7-1/2. (Groans.) But he hoped for better times. ("Oh! oh!") But, come what would, he would hold fast by his principles, which were, "N o Compromise, No Meeting Halfway, No Arbitration, No Concession!" Men might starve, Trade collapse, the Country come to ruin, the Company disappear in Bankruptcy, but he cared not. The Directors had put their foot down, and, whether right or wrong, whatever happened,there good meant, with a they down-right national and pig-headed obstinacy, to keep it. The Chairman was continuing in this strain, but, being interrupted by a shower of inkstands, was compelled to close his remarks, the proceedings coming to a somewhat abrupt conclusion, in a scene of considerable confusion.
The "Strait" Tip. Oh, Mister BLAINE, we don't complain That for your country's weal you're caring; But, clever Yankee,Punchwould thank 'ee Not to be quite soover-Behring!
NEW VERSION.—Every dog must have his—year(of muzzling).
THE GAME OF PEACE.
April.—Grand informal meeting of the Crowned Heads of Europe (with the CZAR in the chair) to discuss a scheme of general disarmament, at which the Emperor of GERMANY creates a profound sensation by the announcement that, as a hint to his brother Monarchs, he has himself gone on to t h e retired list, burnt his cocked-hat, disbanded the
Pomeranian Grenadiers, and confined Herr KRUPP for ten years in a second-class fortress. May.—By arrangement, all the great powers call in the uniforms of all their troops and present them to the King of the BELGIANS, on the understanding that, as the Emperor of the Congo, he shall forthwith transport them to Africa, and instantly commence the clothing of seven millions of the naked native population. June.—One hundred and eighty thousand horses, with military training, coming suddenly on to the market, four-in-hand Hansoms at a penny an hour, become common in all the great European capitals, and the Derby, for which there are 1371 entries, is won by a Cossack pony, trained in Siberia. July down, and recast, utilised melted.—The barrels of all the magazine rifles for the production of type-writers, which, being produced in large quantities, are supplied with instruction gratis to all the children attending the establishments of the London School Board, the stocks of the rifles being utilised for the manufacture of billiard-cues, walking-sticks, and umbrella-handles. August without delay, a.—It being resolved to use up all the gunpowder perpetual display of fireworks is inaugurated at Vienna, St. Petersburg, Berlin, Paris, and London, the show in the last-named capital including a gigantic set-piece of the Fifteen Decisive Battles of the World, which is given five times successively every evening at the Crystal Palace for three months, Piccadilly being illuminated from 6 P.M. to 3 A.M. by the continuous discharge of coloured rockets. September.—The last 101-ton gun having been melted down for the forging of the metal piles for one of the four newly-projected Channel bridges, a nasty international feeling, fermented by General Officers who are obliged to sweep crossings and drive four-wheeled cabs for a livelihood,—and who do not like it, —begins to manifest itself, and diplomacy intervening irritably only to make matters worse, several ultimatums are dispatched from some of the Great Powers to others, but owing to the want of soldiers, the matter is put into the hands of International Solicitors, who, arranging a stand-up fight for the President of the French Republic and the CZAR against the Emperors of GERMANY and AUSTRIA, and the KING of ITALY, the matter somehow falls through for the moment, and the public excitement subsides. October to.—General note from all the Great Powers each other announcing their secession from the "League of Peace," and declaring their intention of resorting again to "Protective Armament" as soon as possible. War declared all round before the end of the month.
VOCES POPULI.
AT THE GUELPH EXHIBITION.
IN THE CENTRAL HALL.
A Thrifty Visitor(on entering No. What's the use of a Catalogue?). Catalogue? Miserable thing, the size of a tract, that tells you nothing you don't know! His Wife(indicating a pile of Catalogues on table). Aren'tthesebig enough for you? The Thr. V.Those? Why, they're big enough for theLondon Directory! Think I'm going to drag a thing like that about the place? You don't really want a Catalogue—it's all your fancy! Mr. Prattler (to Miss AMMERSON). Oh,do and look at these stopsweet goldfish! Pets! Don't youlovethem?Aren'tthey tame? Miss Ammerson. Wouldn't do to have themwild—might jump out andbite people, you know! Mr. P.It'stooof you to make fun of my poor little enthusiasms! But really,horrid —couldn't we get something and feed them?—Dolet's! Miss A. Restaurant—or I daresay you could get ham-sandwiches in the chocolates. Mr. P.How unkind you are (to me! But I don't care.Wilfully.) I shall come here all by myself, and bring biscuits. Great big ones! Are you determined to take me into that big room with all the Portraits? Well, you must tell me who they all are then, and which are the Guelphiest ones.
IN THE ROYAL ROOM.
Considerate Niece (to here. You're sure Portraits They seem mostly Uncle). you don'tmind them, at looking Uncle? I know so many peopledo object to Portraits. Uncle (with the air of a Christian Martyr my dear, no: No,) .I don't mind 'em. Stay here as long as you like, I'll sit down and look at the people, till you've done. First Critical Visitor(examining a View of St. James's Park). I wonder where that was taken. In Scotland, I expect—there's two Highlanders there, you see. Second C.V. those different colours, Shouldn't wonder—lot o' work in that, all and so many dresses. [Admires, thoughtfully. A Well-read Woman THE GEORGE. That's Queen CHARLOTTE, that is. THIRD's wife, you know—her that was sodomestic. Her Companion in the Tower, or. Wasn't that the one that was shut up something? The W.W.the Tower? Lor, my dear, no,In Inever 'eard of it. You're thinking of the TUDORS, or some o' that lot, I expect!
Her Comp.Am I? I daresay. I nevercouldremember 'Istry. Why, if you'll believe me, I always have to stop and think which of the GEORGES came first! More Critical Visitors(before Portraits rather pleasant-looking, don't you). He's think? Idon'tlikeherface at all. So peculiar. And what a hideous dress—like a tea-gown without any upper part—frightful! A Sceptical V. in those days. lipsseem to have had such thin all They Somehow, Ican'tmyself to believe in such very thin lips—canbring you, dear? Her Friend. I always think it's a sign of meanness, myself. The S.V.No; but I mean—I can't believeeveryonehad them in the eighteenth century. Her Friend. Oh, I don't know. If it was the fashion!
ABOUT THE CASES.
Visitor ( of timeadmiring an embroidered waistcoat of the THE GEORGE SECOND—a highly popular exhibit). What lovely work! Why, it looks as if it was done yesterday! Her Companion (who is not in the habit of allowing enthusiasm to run his away with him). Um—yes, it's bad. notBut, of course, they wouldn't send a thing like that here without having it washed and done up first! An Old Ladyused by the Duke of WELLINGTON. "Tea-pot his during campaigns." So he dranktea, did he? Dear me! Do you know, my dear, I think I must havemy old tea-pot engraved. It will make it so much more interesting some day!
IN THE SOUTH GALLERY.
Mr. Prattler(before a Portrait of Lady HAMILTON,by ROMNEY). There! Isn't she too charming? I do call her a perfectduck.' Miss Ammersonforget her when you bring those biscuits.. Yes, you mustn't An Amurrcan Girl Did you erver see BYRON.. Father, see up there; there's such a purrfectly beautiful face? Her Father(solemnly). He was a beautifulMan—a beautiful Poet. The A.G.I know—but theexpression, it's real saint-like! Father(slowly). Well, I guess if he'd had any different kind of expression, he wouldn't have written the things hedidwrite, and that's a fact! A Moralising Old Lady (at Case O of Worsted wound by). No. 1260. "Ball WILLIAM COWPER, the poet, for Mrs. UNWIN." NO. 1261. "Netting done by WILLIAM COWPER, the poet." How very nice, and what a difference in the habit of literary personsnowadays, my dear!
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