This is 40

Oh Pete! Oh my god! This is crazy!

Oh my god. So incredible. Want to know a secret? I took a Viagra.

What?

I took a Viagra. Those things totally work. This is awesome. Why don't I use this every day?

What? What did you do? Wait. Stop.

What's the matter?

You just took a Viagra to have sex with me?

I thought it would make it better. It was better. It takes some of the pressure off.

Because you can't get hard without a Viagra? Is it because you don't think I'm sexy?

I thought you'd think it was fun for me to supersize it for once.

That is the worst birthday present you could ever give someone.

I was just trying to go turbo for your birthday. (MORE) 2.

My hard-ons are still in analog. This shit's digital.

I don't want a turbo penis. I like your medium soft one.

Look, I can get it up. Just not that far up.

Where did you get this?

I got it from Barry.

What? You got it from Barry?

Why do you care? This is my dick we're talking about, not yours.

We are young people. We don't need medication to have sex.

I only took it because it's your birthday. I thought you'd like it. Happy fucking fortieth birthday.

I am not forty! And I don't want to have a husband who has to take Viagra to get a hard-on.

I don't have to take it every time, but once in a while...

Fuck forty! Forty can suck my dick.

Your breath smells weird.

Wake up, wake up. Time to get up.

We're ready!

Make a wish!

Can I watch Lost?

You can't handle Lost. It's too violent, and you won't understand.

If I don't understand it, why can't I handle it?

Because you're eight.

I can handle it. I've seen a shark eat a guy on Shark Week.

Shark Week is fake.

No, it's not.

All of it is reenactments.

I know but they--

That's scary! You shouldn't be allowed to watch that.

--they show the reenactments but they actually happened.

It's going to give you nightmares.

I can handle a nightmare. You're a nightmare every day for me.

Hey. Don't eat that cupcake. 5.

What?

The one you just put into the sink. I saw you were hiding that.

This cupcake? You think I'm going to eat this cupcake?

Yeah.

I so don't want this cupcake. Look.

You're still going to eat it.

I'm going to eat this cupcake?

Just put it in the trash.

What would you like to do today? Your choice.

Anything?

Yeah, anything.

Just hang out with you guys.

Don't you want to get a massage? Or do something fun? Forty's huge.

I'm turning thirty-eight.

Okay. Thirty-eight. We'll move on. Isn't it weird that our birthday is the same week and that we're going to have a party, and it's just for me? 6.

No. I don't think it's weird at all. Because you're turning forty and I'm turning thirty-eight.

Come on. Do you really want to be one of those ladies who's just so insecure about their age and they lie and then they've got to remember.

You don't get it. You don't understand how it works. I don't want to shop at old lady stores. I don't want to go to J. Jill and Chicos and Ann Taylor Loft. I'm not ready yet. I need two more years.

That is so insane, it kind of makes sense.

What did you get me for my birthday?

I thought you said that we shouldn't get each other gifts this year?

What do you mean? You're supposed to get me a surprise gift. This is a big birthday. I'm turning forty!

Mom!!

Mom! Why can't I get new clothes?! Nothing fits me!! God damn it!! 7.

I am going to work out. I'll be back in about an hour.

Hey, did your father call to wish you a happy birthday?

No. That's no surprise.

Come on.

Coming.

You've got to keep up with us, sweetheart. That's why your body looks like your body and her body looks like her body. Before, after. Before, after.

You guys just go on without me. I'm just gonna... fuck.

Hey, thanks for letting me join this team. 8.

It's not really a team, it's just a bunch of guys who get together and ride.

I know, I know.

Bike lane, asshole! It's always the guy in the fucking Infiniti.

So why on earth is Pete taking Viagra? What's going on?

I don't know. I think maybe he just isn't attracted to me anymore.

That is ridiculous. If you were my girlfriend, I would not need a Viagra. I would need an anti-Viagra pill. To try not to get a boner.

But everyone gives you a boner.

Don't sell yourself short like that. You give me a boner. (whispers) Barb doesn't give me a boner.

Maybe things are just getting stale. That's why maybe I work out really hard. Maybe he'll be able to get a boner again.

Why do you need to have sex, Deb? Sex is the number one thing people fight about. (MORE) 9.

You stop having sex, there will be no more fights. I am living proof. I have no sex, and I am the happiest I've ever been.

I knew it. I knew you were not having sex. I can see it on your face. It's all puckered and pained.

I'm enjoying our non-sex period, that's all I'm saying.

Don't you miss it?

Well, I wouldn't know, because I don't have any feeling down there anymore. I have nerve damage from my C-section so everything is just kinda-

She's numb down there.

I could sit down hard on a fire hydrant, and I wouldn't even know that I was sitting. I could get stung by a hornet down there, and I would not feel it. You could put anything in there, and I would not know what the object was. I used to pee in a nice stream, and now it just kind of goes like a shower head.

That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

I think you need a family. Don't you want a family?

No, I think I want to Clooney it.

Clooney it? 10.

Yup.

He doesn't seem happy.

Yeah, he is.

No. He's lonely.

No, he's not.

See, I think he has sad eyes.

Aw, you sweet little thing. He's doing sad, lonely eyes. To get the next lady. I can do it too, watch.

I bet George Clooney is really lonely. Just him and his pig.

You'd fuck him.

I wouldn't.

So would you.

I would. I wouldn't feel it but-

You'd fuck him with your numb vagina. Yes, you would. Ocean's thirteen inches, that's what you'd find out.

Do you think? 11.

I mean that was idiotic. You have to understand. That's like the one thing you don't do is tell her you used Viagra. I think that's even on the warning label.

We're in one of those phases where everything the other person says just annoys the shit out of each other. All the time. It's a blast.

Don't worry about it. You just gotta ride that out.

This sounds terrible but do you ever wonder what it would be like if, say, you were separated by something bigger, like death. Like her death?

I have given it a fair amount of thought.

Not in a painful way. Just quietly slid into death. Like a gas leak.

Absolutely. It has got to be peaceful. I mean this is the mother of your children.

I'd want it to be a peaceful -- just like, drift, into a coma, from which she never awakens.

Then you move on. Then you're a widower.

That's just it. People love widowers. 12.

They love widowers. It's like the polar opposite of divorced guys.

It's the best.

It's like, oh, that poor widower. You know. If I could only--

Somehow...

...make him happy.