Notting Hill

Of course, I've seen her films and always thought she was, well, fabulous -- but, you know, million miles from the world I live in.Which is here -- Notting Hill -- not a bad place to be...

There's the market on weekdays, selling every fruit and vegetable known to man...

The tattoo parlour -- with a guy outside who got drunk and now can't remember why he chose 'I Love Ken'...

The racial hair-dressers where everyone comes out looking like the Cookie Monster, whether they like it or not...

Then suddenly it's the weekend, and from break of day, hundreds of stalls appears out of nowhere, filling Portobello Road right up to Notting Hill Gate...

... and thousands of people buy millions of antiques, some genuine...

... and some not so genuine.

And what's great is that lots of friends have ended up in this part of London -- that's Tony, architect turned chef, who recently invested all the money he ever earned in a new restaurant...

So this is where I spend my days and years -- in this small village in the middle of a city -- in a house with a blue door that my wife and I bought together... before she left me for a man who looked like Harrison Ford, only even handsomer...

... and where I now lead a strange half-life with a lodger called...

Spike!

Even he.Hey, you couldn't help me with an incredibly important decision, could you?

This is important in comparison to, let's say, whether they should cancel third world debt?

That's right -- I'm at last going out on a date with the great Janine and I just want to be sure I've picked the right t-shirt.

What are the choices?

Well... wait for it... (He pulls on a t-shirt) First there's this one...

Yes -- might make it hard to strike a really romantic note.

Point taken.

I suspect you'll prefer the next one.

Cool, huh?

Yes -- she might think you don't have true love on your mind.

Wouldn't want that... (and back up he goes) Okay -- just one more.

Well, yes, that's perfect. Well done.

Thanks.Great.Wish me luck.

Good luck.

And so it was just another hopeless Wednesday, as I set off through the market to work, little suspecting that this was the day which would change my life forever.This is work, by the way, my little travel book shop...

... which, well, sells travel books -- and, to be frank with you, doesn't always sell many of those.

Classic.Absolutely classic. Profit from major sales push -- minus $B!r(J347.

Shall I go get a cappuccino?Ease the pain.

Yes, better get me a half.All I can afford.

I get your logic.Demi-capu coming up.

Can I help you?

No, thanks.I'll just look around.

Fine.

That book's really not good -- just in case, you know, browsing turned to buying.You'd be wasting your money.

Really?

Yes.This one though is... very good.

I think the man who wrote it has actually been to Turkey, which helps. There's also a very amusing incident with a kebab.

Thanks.I'll think about it.

If you could just give me a second.

Excuse me.

Yes.

Bad news.

What?

We've got a security camera in this bit of the shop.

So?

So, I saw you put that book down your trousers.

What book?

The one down your trousers.

I haven't got a book down my trousers.

Right -- well, then we have something of an impasse.I tell you what -- I'll call the police -- and,what can I say? -- If I'm wrong about the whole book-down-the-trousers scenario, I really apologize.

Okay -- what if I did have a book down my trousers?

Well, ideally, when I went back to the desk, you'd remove the Cadogan guide to Bali from your trousers, and either wipe it and put it back, or buy it.See you in a sec.

Sorry about that...

No, that's fine.I was going to steal one myself but now I've changed my mind.Signed by the author, I see.

Yes, we couldn't stop him.If you can find an unsigned copy, it's worth an absolute fortune.

Excuse me.

Yes.

Can I have your autograph?

What's your name?

Rufus.

What does it say?

Well, that's the signature -- and above, it says 'Dear Rufus -- you belong in jail.'

Nice one.Would you like my phone number?

Tempting but... no, thank you.

I think I will try this one.

Oh -- right -- on second thoughts maybe it wasn't that bad.Actually -- it's a sort of masterpiece really. None of those childish kebab stories you get in so many travel books these days.And I'll throw in one of these for free.

Very useful for lighting fires, wrapping fish, that sort of things.

Thanks.

Cappuccino as ordered.

Thanks.I don't think you'll believe who was just in here.

Who?Someone famous?

No. No-one -- no-one.

Would be exciting if someone famous did come into the shop though, wouldn't it?Do you know -- this is pretty incredible actually -- I once saw Ringo Starr.Or at least I think it was Ringo.It might have been that broke from 'Fiddler On The Roof,' Toppy.

Topol.

That's right -- Topol.

But Ringo Starr doesn't look anything like Topol.

No, well... he was quite a long way away.

So it could have been neither of them?

I suppose so.

Right.It's not a classic anecdotes, is it?

Not classic, no.

Right -- want another one?

Yes.No, wait -- let's go crazy -- I'll have an orange juice.

Oh Jesus.

Here, let me help.

What are you doing?!

Nothing, nothing... Look, I live just over the street -- you could get cleaned up.

No thank you.I need to get my car back.

I also have a phone.I'm confident that in five minutes we can have you spick and span and back on the street again... in the non-prostitute sense obviously.

Okay.So what does 'just over the street' mean -- give it to me in yards.

Eighteen yards.That's my house there.

Come on in.I'll just...

It's not that tidy, I fear.

The bathroom is right at the top of the stairs and there's a phone on the desk up there.