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131 pages

English

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When bad sex happens to good people, there is no recourse like full disclosure, is the motto of Worst Laid Plans, a collection of forty probably-too-intimate, but shockingly funny, true-life tales of lust gone wrong. The stories are divided into themed sections including Foreign Affairs (When bad sex goes abroad), Self-Help (Love thyselfbut do it carefully), On the Rebound (The art of getting back in-and-out-there), Mob Mentality (People will do things in groups they would never do alone), and The End of Innocence (A memorial to virginity) among others. The book evolved out of a storytelling event originally staged at Upright Citizen Brigade, the highly influential comedy organization co-founded by Amy Poehler, who along with Janeane Garofalo and SNLs Casey Wilson, performed at the show that continues today. Part Vagina Monologues, part car crash, and wholly hilarious, the volume features contributions from shameless actors, comedians, and writers who will shamelessly spread the word via blogs, on-line videos, tweets, on-going WLP performances, film/TV/media contacts, and further sexual conquests. [A] hilarious testimonial to the vast array of consequences we face afterhaving ignored that little voice inside that says: Dont. This isnt agood idea. Leave now.Laraine Newman (Saturday Night Live, The Groundlings) Irrefutable evidence that one should wait until marriage to have sex.Joel McHale (The Soup, Community) This book will make you laugh, scream, and want to be a lesbian.Whitney Cummings (Chelsea Lately, Comedy Central) This is the best kind of comedy; that which makes you both laugh anderect.Rob Corddry (The Daily Show)

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Humour

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Publié par	ABRAMS BOOKS
Date de parution	26 novembre 2014
Nombre de lectures	0
EAN13	9781613128121
Langue	English
Poids de l'ouvrage	2 Mo

Informations légales : prix de location à la page 0,0622€. Cette information est donnée uniquement à titre indicatif conformément à la législation en vigueur.

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Praise for WORST LAID PLANS
I admit to being attracted to most of the women in this book, so reading it was an embarrassing sexual experience in itself. This is the best kind of comedy; that which makes you both laugh and erect.
-Rob Corddry ( The Daily Show )
Worst Laid Plans is irrefutable evidence that one should wait until marriage to have sex.
-Joel McHale ( The Soup , Community )
This collection of stories will make you scream, blush, wince, cringe, gag, and laugh out loud. Mainly, reading this book will make you feel thankful. Thankful these brave foot soldiers entered battle and lived to tell about it. All you have to do is curl up with a bottle of pinot grigio and a bag of mint milanos and settle in for an evening you won t have to regret later.
-Casey Wilson ( SNL , Bride Wars )
They say that truth is comedy, and it can t get any truthier than people telling stories about bad sex.
-Matt Besser (founding member of the Upright Citizens Brigade)
Hilarious. This is the kind of book you don t take home to meet the parents.
-Teri Polo ( Meet the Parents , Meet the Fockers, Little Fockers )
Good book. Good dames.
-Tony Sirico ( The Sopranos )
These outrageous stories are both hilarious and full of truth. What was great onstage is an even better read from the privacy of your own home!
-Alison Brie ( Community , Mad Men )
This book boldly goes where no book has ever gone before. You know what? It goes boldly where no porn has ever gone before. Where this book goes Tommy Lee hasn t even gone! It will make you laugh, it will make you cry (if you re as emotionally unstable as I am) and it will make you worried about the psychical and mental health of us Worst Laid Plans -ers.
-Whitney Cummings ( Chelsea Lately )

In the interest of maintaining the privacy of the individuals whose stories are dicussed herein, many names, places, and other identifying characteristics have been changed.
Based on the stage show created by Alexandra Lydon and Laura Kindred
ISBN 978-0-8109-8902-3
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Worst laid plans : when bad sex happens to good people : true tales / edited by Alexandra Lydon and Laura Kindred.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-8109-8902-3
1. Sex-Humor. 2. Sex-Miscellanea. I. Lydon, Alexandra. II. Kindred, Laura.
HQ25.W67 2010
306.77-dc22
2009046123
Text copyright 2010 Alexandra Lydon and Laura Kindred Cover photo 2010 Alexis Cassar
Published in 2010 by Abrams Image, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.
Abrams Image books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact specialmarkets@abramsbooks.com, or the address below.

115 West 18th Street New York, NY 10011 www.abramsbooks.com
The following stories are based on true events. Some names and key details have been changed to protect the guilty.
Except for Raymond.
This one s for you . . . wherever you are.
TABLE OF EXPLICIT CONTENT:
About the Stage Show
Foreword
Introduction
THE END OF INNOCENCE
Confessions of a Teenage Mime AMY RHODES
The Virgin Queen WAITRESS, NYC, 30
Puff the Un-Magic Dragon NICK GARFINKLE
You Bet Your Ass THE FLYING BUTTRESS
SELF-HELP
Caught Dick-Handed ZACH STEEL
A Cushion for the Pushin MICHAEL J. NICE
RELATIONSHIT
How He Became My Number One by Taking Care of My Number Two ERIN PINEDA
My Fast Boyfriend MARY LYNN RAJSKUB
A Bedtime Story LARAINE NEWMAN
Hong Kong Bottom JAY JANSON
Pie in the Sky ADRIA TENNOR BLOTTA
MOB MENTALITY
Whore Next Door WHITNEY CUMMINGS
That Time I Molested a Girl Who Had a Mustache JANE DOE
FOREIGN AFFAIRS
Trapped in the Closet SUZ
The Farting Rapist ALEXANDRA LYDON
An American Alcoholic in London RACHEL F.
A Wilde Night in Paris JACKIE CLARKE
THE SIZE AND SHAPE OF THINGS
Fatty and the Fake Dick DORIEN DAVIES
The M Word JOHN FLYNN
The Way-Too-Personal Assistant EMMY ROWLAND
WORDS OF MOUTH
Face Fucked by an Elephant Man SECURITY GUARD, FEMALE
Cuddlewhore BETH LITTLEFORD
Can t Blow Me Love LAURA KINDRED
GOING AGAINST THE GAY
Coming In WALLY MARZANO-LESNEVICH
Get Your Titty off My Thigh TYMBERLEE HILL
Homosexual Schmomosexual ALISON BRIE
KINK ABOUT IT
Red WILL MCLAUGHLIN
Foot Slave MICHAEL FELDMAN
NEAR-DEATH SEXPERIENCES
Pok -pon BOTI BLISS
I Got Her Number, She Got My Digit DREW DIFONZO MARKS
ON THE REBOUND
Model Behavior ERIC W. PEARSON
Sleeps with Dogs JENNIFER HIRSHLAG
Two Households, One A Lacking Dignity JULIET
A SEXUAL JOURNEY
Rub-a-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the . . . Nub? CASEY WILSON
Here Comes the Late Bloomer KATYA LIDSKY
Unsent Letters MATT MCCONKEY
A Sonnet ERIC W. PEARSON
GLOSSARY
About the Editors
About the Contributors
When bad sex happens to good people, there s no recourse like full disclosure.
ABOUT THE STAGE SHOW
Worst Laid Plans premiered at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Los Angeles in July 2007. It was conceived by Laura Kindred and Alexandra Lydon following a particularly noteworthy coital catastrophe on foreign soil. For the full story, please skip ahead to The Farting Rapist. The next morning, while regrouping and attempting to regain lost dignity, these two friends discovered bad sex s greatest palliative: disclosure.
After sharing this hard-won revelation, they gathered a dream team of performers to create the stage show Worst Laid Plans: True Stories of Terrible Sex . And like a venereal disease, the word spread, creating a surge of graphic co-misery. The show continues to run at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Los Angeles and New York City, and has welcomed such celebrity comediennes as Janeane Garofalo, Amy Poehler, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Laraine Newman, and many more.
Having enjoyed such success in the oral tradition, it has come time for these sexual tragedies to be immortalized in print.
FOREWORD by Laraine Newman
All roads lead to sex. It s the reason we strive. Strive for excellence, piety, beauty, discovery, invention, and conquest.
Don t kid yourself. Do you really think Leonard Susskind, known as the father of string theory, pursued theoretical physics and quantum mechanics in order to satisfy his need for symmetry in the universe? Fuck no. It was for the chicks!
Sex is the motivator. It inspires us to greatness.
Regrettably as you will see in this book, it also takes people of great sensitivity and otherwise inherent dignity and puts a filthy boot on their necks.
In these pages, you will be privy to the experiences of the brave soldiers who have fallen on the swords of sexual folly and its many nasty cousins-so wide-ranging and wondrous, you can bet a pimpled porn star s ass there s something here for everyone.
What s ironic is that it takes considerable objectivity and a, you should excuse the expression (since this condition is so often absent in these escapades), sober eye, to be able to bring these stories to you with such honesty, wit, and perspective.
After seeing the stage show and laughing so hard my lungs hurt, I felt a sense of longing. Is this it? I thought, I want more.
So, here, people, are the keys to the kingdom.
Worst Laid Plans is a hilarious testimonial to the vast array of consequences we face after having ignored that little voice inside that says: Don t. This isn t a good idea. Leave now.
INTRODUCTION
Alex and Laura here. Your editors.
Like the kid who kicked you in the crotch in third grade, we d like to start by saying:
You re welcome.
We ve all been there. We ve all had that moment. You look back and remember when you made that crucial decision and realize why: You just got dumped; you had eight whiskeys; sure, she s batshit insane, but she s also a model. You had your reasons. And then the aftermath. You take in your surroundings and see his sheets are printed with cartoon characters. You sober up with two sets of hands in your nethers and remember you have a boyfriend. Yes, your pap smear is, and now forever will be, abnormal. You re fucked-figuratively and literally.
But you re not alone.
What connects us as human beings are the fundamental needs we all share: to be seen, to be loved, to not have ejaculate thrown in our faces. To be understood. In our quest to find these things we can run up against the unexpected obstacle or the occasional setback: low self-esteem, extreme intoxication, Craigslist.
And that s okay. If this book has any message, any wisdom to dispense at all, it s just that:
It s okay.
So let s hold hands-it doesn t have to go any further than that-and go through this together.
Open your mind, open your heart, turn the page, and just relax, baby. Unlike the high school quarterback when he promised you were gonna like it, we re telling the truth.
CHAPTER 1
THE END OF INNOCENCE
a memorial to virginity
Virginity. What can we say about virginity? It was a good friend; it was with us from day one. We knew we wouldn t have it forever, but we weren t ready to say good-bye. We went everywhere together: camp, classes, weddings, church, bat mitzvahs. It was pure. It was clean. It was innocent. Sure, it could be a little uptight, and yes, there were times when we d pretend we didn t know it because it wasn t cool. But to have it taken from us so suddenly? To lose it like that?
And at the prom no less.
CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE MIME
by Amy Rhodes
In high school I was a mime.
Also, I was a virgin.
These two things were directly related, although I didn t realize it at the time.
As I sat in front of a mirror, carefully applying my white cake makeup, putting on my white gloves, and adjusting my bow tie, it never occurred to me to stop an