Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Park Avenue in mid-December. On the lampposts, Xmas lights sparkle over streets slick with slush and rain. Limousines line up for a public function.

Under black umbrellas, wealthy men and women exit the limos and enter a stately ten-story building. On the facade, a sign reads: TONIGHT - TREASURES OF PRE-CHRISTIAN EUROPE. A SHADOWY FIGURE lurks in an alley near the corner. His features are hidden by a broad-brimmed hat. He watches as- The guests present gleaming, golden invitations to the security people at the door.

(in Elvish, subtitled)

I'll go up first. You'll enter from below- He addresses WINK, an eight-foot tall TROLL with grey skin and a huge scar over his left, empty, eye socket. His right hand is missing and he sports a heavy IRON MACE instead. A plume of breath escapes from his brutish mouth.

And remember Wink-

Pre-Celtic votive sculpture is in granite and has been dated circa 700 B.C. Like the guests, the AUCTIONEER is dressed in formal wear. TV MONITORS display the image of the statue so the bidders can have a closer look.

We'll open the bidding at two hundred thousand dollars. A DISTINGUISHED BUYER raises his hand-

Two hundred and seventy-five, and... we have three hundred, thank you Mr. Van Hausen - Three hundred thousand once- A FEMALE BIDDER raise her hand-

And Three hundred and fifty thousand, thank you Mrs. Bernstein- As the auction carries on, a STEWARD leaves the room and heads down -

What the h- Quick as lightning, the SHADOWY FIGURE covers the steward's mouth. When he withdraws his hand, the steward's mouth has

A silent human- almost as good as a dead one...

And now, for our next item. Lot #777. Two STEWARDS wheel in an oaken box and open it. Nestled in maroon velvet is an eight-inch, ornately decorated arc of gold.

A once-in-lifetime opportunity. For the first time in auction. A piece of the Royal Crown of Bethmoora... A precious artifact dating from the Atrebatean period. Exquisite workmanship in 24 carat gold. The lights flicker briefly, provoking MURMURS from the audience.

Please- please- ladies and gentlemen... may I have your attention. As I was saying, observe the fanciful creatures adorning the outer surface, figures from a lost mythology... The lights go out completely. From the sudden darkness, the Shadowy Figure speaks up.

Lost- ? Not at all. Forgotten by you perhaps, but very much alive.

A few emergency lights come on, revealing The Shadowy Figure, who walks down the aisle to confront the auctioneer.

Sir, would you please identify yourself? I see no badge or-

Shall we just say that I am the rightful owner of this piece? He seizes the artifact. The auctioneer grabs a phone and hits a button.

(to a Steward)

Security- Call Security- This is an outrage- An- The SHADOWY FIGURE reaches into his pockets and throws a handful of seeds at the Auctioneer's feet.

-Outrage of- KRRRRR-K the seeds sprout into massive, thick branches and roots and instantly engulfing the Auctioneer amidst coils of wooden branches, crushing him. They grow and grow until they crack the ceiling!! Soon the Auctioneer disappears, and in its place stands a compact, twisted tree. Tiny creatures emerge from its branches and crawl around the trunk. CRASH!!!!! Four SECURITY GUARDS come flying through the side doors and land in the aisles with a THUD!!! The spectators scream. WINK walks in. He carries two large IRON BOXES on his back. On the sides of the boxes A ROYAL SEAL, embossed in the metal. People cower in the corners, SCREAMING in terror and disbelief. WINK shrugs the iron boxes to the floor with a CLANG!!!! Inside them, little clawed THINGS are scrabbling - mewling, fast and hungry!! At the Shadowy Figure's signal, the troll opens the cages... and the people's SCREAMS redouble.

May this remind you all why you once feared the dark... A multitude of eyes glint in the darkness, rows and rows of tiny teeth shine greedily. They lunge at CAMERA.

Hey, Fishstick- We gotta talk.

Look at that- Each photo costs a fortune to suppress. And then, naturally, they pop up on the net. CAMERA moves in on Abe's breathing apparatus. It's sleek, more modern, fitting snugly to his gills and neck. His goggles are new, too. He examines a photo of Hellboy bounding down a city street, brandishing his mighty, high-caliber Samaritan. He's looking straight at the camera lens.

Oh, Lord- He's smiling in this one.

I know- It's not just the money. It's the provocation. This is asking for trouble. His ego- Manning leans close to a voice-recognition security mike.

"Man-ning..." He enunciates each syllable perfectly, then turns to Abe.

-is out of control. And I think it's all deliberate on his part.

No, he doesn't. He's just- enthusiastic. As they approach HB's room...

How are things between him and Liz?

Oh, you know. The usual. Since they moved in together- Good days and bad. On cue, the concrete wall explodes!'.! A massive BALL OF FIRE swings the final steel door open, almost tearing it off its hinges.

Then again, there are the really bad days- Manning and Abe cower behind a pillar. Once the explosion dies away- Hellboy's revealed, lying on the floor, his back smoking and in flames.

Oh, hi Blue- Manning- He puts out a small flame on his forearm and steps into the room.

(yelling at Liz)

Well- I'm not afraid of you! You hear?? Abe and Manning peek inside-

(yelling at Liz)

Look- I have one rule! One- "Don't touch my stuff -" Liz appears, shimmering in a halo of blue flame. HB's pulls a few LP albums out of the garbage bin.

You have the same album on CD, LP and an 8 track- An 8 track!!!

You can't listen to Al Green on a CD!! You just can't!! Oh, and 8 track was the way to go- one day mankind will realize its mistake.

What about me? I need some space! Not much, but just enough to find- to find- my- toothbrush. She flares up, losing control...

Is that what this is about?? Your toothbrush's right there, behind you- (Liz turns) There- there- with the cat food!! Wrinkling her nose in disgust, Liz plucks a toothbrush from a heap of spilled cat kibble.

Damn it, Red- there's no room for me here. You can't just act like- Suddenly, the alarm SOUNDS. Hellboy is elated.

Oh, heavenly bells are ringing!

Oh, Jeez- did you see the crowds? He offers HB a couple of cigars and lights one for him.

This is midtown Manhattan... Will you promise to be careful? You'll use discretion?

Piece of cake. In and out... no one will see me. You have my word- A sarcastic guffaw from Liz.

A BPRD agent (AGENT MUDD), Abe and Liz move into the big, dark sales room, past a jumble of overturned chairs. They use plasma-screen night-vision scanners to survey the devastation.

No one here. No survivors. No bodies.

Two agents lead the way down the adjacent hallway. Hellboy follows, a few feet behind. HB trains his flashlight on a fallen display case. Broken glass glitters.

Same story here, babe-

(on the intercom)

Don't call me babe-

I said "Abe"- I'm sorry- wrong channel- Hellboy falls back to talk privately on the intercom.

Liz- UM-?

(on the intercom)

Yes?

That's not the problem and you know it.

No. That's not the problem either-

Not now, for God's sake!

Red- I'm afraid I do detect some activity- As the agent and Liz inspect the other iron cages, he extends his webbed fingers.

What kind of creature?

There's more than one-? He hears a scratching noise.

(on the intercom)

More- Many more-

How many- ten-?

No. Maybe a hundred- or two-

As HB nears a wall, it bulges and splits open!! The ceiling cracks, too. He hurriedly loads a pair of lever-action

They're all around us- Sounds of MOVEMENT from burrowing, unseen creatures-

What are they???

Uh- If I'm right, we should leave now and ask for backup.

The situation is completely under control. Earlier tonight, customs agents discovered a few illegally imported items. This caused a minor confrontation. The reporters go wild with questions.

Federal agents have now taken over the premises. We ask that you all step back- Manning basks in the flashbulb glow and acknowledges a pretty young REPORTER.

Plaster spills from widening cracks in the wall. Hellboy shoots, blowing open a massive hole. He peeks inside- Small bodies burrow away like moles.

What are they-? Abe?

Ah, I knew it.

Have you noticed the floor??

(looking around)

Uh- thick rug, deep pile, light brown-

Red- there is no rug- Hellboy lifts his foot, realizing he's been walking on an inch-thick layer of- ahem- poo.

Aw, crap-

Precisely...

Spit it out, brother blue. What are they?

Alright, but-

Damn it Abe, just tell us!

Okay, then- They're- um- tooth fairies.

Abe, c'mon- cut the crap. She checks her boots, sticky with poo-

Third century, the Teutoburg forest. Famished. They feed on calcium-